The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Obama Tortures Me Every Day

April 25, 2009

 Let me see if I can understand the liberal view of so called torture. I really am trying to understand why the left, especially the ones that work near downtown Los Angeles, have their shorts so far up their behinds. As I see it there are two questions: What is torture? Does it work?

 Let me take the second question first. Yes, enhanced interrogation techniques work. If you don’t think so then come by my house, sign the release form and I guarantee I will have your computer password, your ATM PIN and your wife’s safe word for the bedroom in an hour. The memos which Obama released last week in order to placate his far left base say so. It’s hard to accept one part of the memo and say the rest is a lie. Yet, for some strange reason he refuses to show the memo’s which the dreaded Chaney say further support the claim that enhanced interrogation worked and saved American lives. Even the guy from the right lefties love to point to as an expert on torture, John McCain says that everyone breaks. Just for the record, Mr. McCain believes all of the enhanced interrogation techniques, except for water boarding are acceptable.

So what is torture? There is no definition of torture anywhere that I can find that says what is and isn’t torture. Is playing loud music torture? Then the kid next door to me needs to get a visit from the Attorney General so I can get some sleep. Bugs where you sleep? I always knew camping was torture! Cold and naked, that was my four years in college. Someone puts underpants on your head? Ever been to a kegger? Annoying voices saying things you find offensive, then Obama and Pelosi torture me every day.

How would the left extract information from terrorists? Sit down a well lit room with some nice Lazy-E-Boys and a cold soda, lean in close and say, “Do you have something to tell me?” Then lean back and wait until they are ready to open up? Maybe we could put them in therapy and in six or seven years they would have a breakthrough!

All this “torture” crap is really just the Daily KOS and Move On trying to get back at Bush and Chaney for starting a war they don’t like. They presented a petition with 250,000 names on it to Obama demanded he go after the previous administration. 250,000 people supporting something, where have I heard that number lately? Tea, anyone? Obama, they say, has promised to get us back to being a nation of laws. Does that include our immigration laws? Doubt it!

Mr. Obama must realize that this witch hunting is a dangerous game. Someday, and let us hope it is three years and a half years or less in the future, he will leave office and someone from the right will sit behind the big desk. Maybe they won’t be crazy about something he had done in good faith, under the legal advice of his team. Does he really want that to be his legacy, ongoing investigations of the last guy? I heard some moron left wing talking head say that the decision to investigate this matter is not under the President’s authority that it is up to the Attorney General. That may be the stupidest thing I have ever heard on a political talk show and keep in mind I have seen both Keith Olbermann and Jeanane Garafolo. Trust me, if Mr. Obama called the Justice Department and said, “Drop this.” Move On, Code Pink and The Daily Crock could send over 20,000,000 Astroturf petitions and it would still be dropped. News flash to the left, once you are the President nothing is below your pay grade.


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Breaking Down Barack

February 26, 2009


Ever since Bill Clinton gave us the greatest insight into the modern political mind with the words, “it depends on what the meaning of “is” is.” it has become important for the intelligent citizen to closely parse all political speech. I didn’t listen to President Obama’s speech to congress live because I was busy watching a “Maude” marathon on some obscure cable network. I recorded the speech so I could fast forward through all of the obligatory applause breaks and got his hour and ten minute speech down to forty five minutes. I pulled out a few quotes from the speech so I could break them down and share their deeper meaning. Mr. Obama’s words will be in bold and my explanation will follow. I may have missed your favorite quote, or your take on these may be a little different than mine so feel free to add it when you comment.



Let the socialism begin!

Let the socialism begin!


“Nor did all of our problems begin when the housing market collapsed or the stock market sank. We have known for decades that our survival depends on finding new sources of energy.”


So your theory, Mr. President, is that if we would have given out a wind turbine or a solar panel with every bad loan we would be ok today?  

“And though all these challenges went unsolved, we still managed to spend more money and pile up more debt, both as individuals and through our government, than ever before”

So the new plan is to pile up another trillion or two in debt? That’s our bold new strategy?

.“People bought homes they knew they couldn’t afford from banks and lenders who pushed those bad loans anyway.”

Encouraged, some may say forced, to do so by a liberal congress which tried to enact yet another piece of social engineering with no regard to the unforeseen consequences.  

“Not because I believe in bigger government — I don’t.”

… and to prove this, for the rest of this speech all I will talk about is new government programs with big budgets and more bureaucrats.

“Because of this plan, 95 percent of working households in America will receive a tax cut — a tax cut that you will see in your paychecks beginning on April 1st.

Enjoy your eight dollars a week! Have a pound of hard salami on me!

“And that’s why I’ve asked Vice President Biden to lead a tough, unprecedented oversight effort — because nobody messes with Joe.”

Except that scam artist Stanford who took him and his family for 22 million.

 “…this time, CEOs won’t be able to use taxpayer money to pad their paychecks, or buy fancy drapes, or disappear on a private jet. Those days are over.”

In the private sector! From now on those privileges are reserved to those in government service

“But while the cost of action will be great, I can assure you that the cost of inaction will be far greater.”

How do we know? Unfortunately for the taxpayers the government is always in action.

“But to truly transform our economy, to protect our security, and save our planet from the ravages of climate change…”

Coldest winter in 30 years and thickest polar ice since 1979, are you sure about that whole global warming thing?

“… we need to ultimately make clean, renewable energy the profitable kind of energy. So I ask this Congress to send me legislation that places a market-based cap on carbon pollution and drives the production of more renewable energy in America. That’s what we need.”

More taxes on the wealthy! More government regulation! Happy days are here again comrades! But I don’t believe in bigger government!

. We’ve also made the largest investment in basic research funding in American history — an investment that will spur not only new discoveries in energy, but breakthroughs in medicine and science and technology.”

More taxes! More Bureaucrats! But I don’t believe in bigger government

“This budget builds on these reforms. It includes a historic commitment to comprehensive health care reform — a down payment on the principle that we must have quality, affordable health care for every American.”

More taxes! More Government in your life! But I don’t believe in bigger government.

Now, there will be many different opinions and ideas about how to achieve reform, and that’s why I’m bringing together businesses and workers, doctors and health care providers, Democrats and Republicans to begin work on this issue next week.

…and the genii says, “Let me see that map of the Middle East again!”

“Now, I’m proud that we passed a recovery plan free of earmarks…”

Of course there is still plenty of pork and pet projects we just aren’t calling them earmarks. What the meaning of “is” is, Excellent! Hehehehe!

“And yesterday, I held a fiscal summit where I pledged to cut the deficit in half by the end of my first term in office.

If you spend $800 billion you don’t have in the first three weeks of your administration and cut that down to just $400 billion in four years haven’t you cut the deficit by 50%?

“And that is why I can stand here tonight and say without exception or equivocation that the United States of America does not torture.”

Really? Then why is this speech so long?