The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy; We Give Thanks as Atheists Celebrate Random Chance Day

November 25, 2008

If you are truly an atheist and believe in life as a result of random chance then what do you do this Thursday? It seems that if you are giving thanks then there must be someone or something you are giving thanks to, n’est-ce pas? I have always felt sorry for non-believers on Thanksgiving and when they need to utter a good expletive.  I feel this is why F*** Y** has become so popular in our time, so many folks are missing out on more basic curses because they don’t fit their world view. “Go to hell!” How can you if hell doesn’t exist? “God D***”? Not for you Mr. Science.  What does an atheist say when he drops a cinder block on his toe? Curse you randomness!

   So The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy would like to take a moment give thanks for all we have been given in the past year.

A big thanks to George Bush for finally finding the gumption to grant clemency to Campean and Ramos. They deserve a full pardon but don’t get me started on the Greatest Democrat President ever.

Thanks for Sarah Palin. Love her or hate her The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy likes anything that sends the far left into apoplectic fits.

Thanks for Joe Wurzelbacher AKA Joe the Plumber. Because of him the true nature of the leftists here in Ohio has been shown. Right to privacy? For abortions, of course, but not for simple guys who dare to question He Who Is. There are so many upsides to this story, chaos in Columbus for Governor Strickland who stood by the toady who used state time and computers to violate Joe’s civil rights. A huge settlement is coming Joe’s way thanks to a lawsuit about to be filed. At least one middle class person will be helped by a Democrat this year.

Thanks for John McCain. Maybe his defeat will finally teach conservatives that trying to please the media and the left is an exercise in futility. They will turn on you as soon as it suits their purpose. That should be a warning for you too, Barack.

Thanks to all of the Black and Latino voters in California who voted for Proposition 8.  Gay activist are stirring things up against the Mormon Church but they have withstood worse. Why aren’t gay leftists out protesting in Black and Latino neighborhoods or at Black and Latino Churches? Because they know they would get their asses handed to them on a platter. Leftists think the Black and Latino votes were “fooled” into voting for Prop 8, another sign of their racist and condescending attitudes. The fact is that a gay man has exactly the same rights as I have when it comes to marriage; he’s free to marry any woman he wants.  You don’t want to marry a woman? Hey, I don’t want to drive a Ford but that doesn’t give me the right to a Ferrari.

Thanks to the Clintons for not going quietly. Who knows what kind of fun they will dredge up for us over the next four years?

Finally and maybe most of all, thanks for every man and woman who is standing a post tonight. I will sleep easier knowing you are out there. I will try to think of you with every bite of pumpkin pie and turkey I take.


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: The Clinton’s are Lurking

October 9, 2008

I had to miss the big non-debate the other night because my son broke his arm at football practice. Some kids will do anything for their parents! I think there are many things that we Right Wing Conspirators and you Enlightened Progressives disagree on but can we get some bipartisan support for saying that this alleged debate was the most boring ninety minutes of television since TBS ran a “She’s The Sherriff” marathon. I said in my previous blog that McCain needed to give Obama a verbal “beat down” which his campaign may have taken for “bed down”. Maybe their strategy is to put the left to sleep for the next four weeks and when they wake up McCain will be President.

I said that McCain had to step up in the economic crisis. What he stepped up with was more socialism. Right now I don’t think he could win his Senate seat if it was up for grabs. Where is Duncan Hunter now that we need him?

Since the Republican Party seems to have no interest in winning the White House the last hope for conservatives may be the Clintons. I don’t think that Hillary has gone back to New York and told herself that being a U.S. Senator is pretty good and she can do a lot of good work in the Senate. I think that this is a woman who feels like she was owed the nomination and that Obama and Move On have done her wrong. She wants to be President and if Obama wins she is McCain’s age before she gets another chance. I don’t think Bill Clinton is too happy going from “first black president” to racist good old boy. Even if it’s not true (let’s not forget one of Bill’s early mentors was segregationist and anti-Semite, J. William Fulbright) it makes him look bad and there is nothing an ego the size of Vermont hates more than looking bad. The Clinton’s are seething in their separate bedrooms and know how to get even. They are like Michael Corleone, quietly going about their business while their minions have been sent out and all scores will be settled before Election Day.   

I had to run this idea by someone to make sure I was on the right track so I called my ultra liberal older brother. He’s the kind of guy that is the heart and soul of the Obama Nation. Upper middle class white guy who for some reason feels like he is part of the oppressed masses. I called and ran my idea by him and he started into a laundry list of reason why it wouldn’t happen. I knew I was on to something. He then reminded me that several weeks ago I had written that the “lipstick” comment would be the seminal moment of the campaign and it was all but forgotten. I hate when that happens.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: A Little Irony in My Diet

August 28, 2008


I’ve been watching a bit of the Obamathon from Denver over the last few days. The usual stuff has been going on; hack speeches, call and answer audience participation, a boo and hissy fit every time the name Bush, Chaney or Halliburton is mentioned and blaming the right for everything from global warming to the common cold.  I expect the same next week when the Republicans get together so I don’t want anyone getting their shorts up their crack telling me that I’m not fair. Here’s a shocker for you, I’m not trying to be fair. If you want fair try  baggage claim, it’s the only thing I have ever found in life that is fair. Baggage claim treats all people with equal distain without regard to race, gender, sexual preference, age, national origin, or handicap. I’m sorry, should I have said “otherabled”?

So here are a few of my favorite moments from Denver. The first is actually from the day before the convention officially kicked off. The Democrats need the votes of centrist Christians and since they are politicians they are not above pandering. In 2004 when Bush had a headlock on that voting block the Democrats held one luncheon for people of faith, this year a whole day before the convention and four meetings during.

The “Faith in Action Interfaith Gathering” was headlined by Sister Helen Prejean. It’s difficult for me to “dis” a nun. There’s all that residual Catholic guilt and a fear of being cracked across the knuckles with a yardstick. Not the wimpy paint store kind but an industrial one with a strip of brass inset in the edge favored by sadist and Franciscans everywhere.

Sister Prejean is big on stopping the death penalty. I could get into a long and very boring rebuttal of her statistics and logic but I find it ironic that a Christian is against the death penalty because without the death penalty Christianity doesn’t exist. I also find it odd that a Catholic nun would rail against the deaths of 1120 criminals and never mention the deaths of millions children to the party which advocates the abortions laws which are responsible for ending those lives.

The next night the real show got underway and they started trotting out the dinosaurs of liberalism. After awhile the floor of the Pepsi Center began to look like the Jurassic Park of socialism. Look, there’s a Cartersaurus Rex, king of the anti-Semite appeasers, known for his inaction in the face of Islamic extremism. There goes a Kerryatops, a lumbering beast whose head is so large its vision is distorted so that it sees only its own self-interest. Under that Illinois sign over there is the Jacksonsaur, rumored to soon be extinct or even worse irrelevant. There is the rarest dinosaur of them all, seen only once every four years, known for its huge overbite, little teeth, bushy brow and delusional behavior, the Dukakisoraptor. Generally, the ignoramus Dukakisoraptor is seen running around screaming about how he got screwed and how much better things would be if he had been elected.  The only dinosaur missing thus far is the Goreodactyl but he is expected to be seen as soon as he sells himself some carbon offsets so he can fly out on his private jet.


Finally, nothing warms the heart of a member of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy more than seeing a Clinton take it on the chin. I really wanted Hillary to win the nomination for a lot of reasons not the least of which was seeing a 527 group to trot out all of the dalliances the former President has had since leaving office. I was hoping against hope that they had some underhanded machinations to throw the convention into turmoil but alas the only thing the Clintons like more than power is money and with a 24 million dollar bribe on the table they played ball…sort of. Hillary could be sentenced to thirty days in county for non-support after the tepid speech she made on Tuesday, followed by more of the same on Wednesday by Billy Boy. The Clintons are great at a lot of things but grace in defeat isn’t among them. Bill Clinton has such great ability to fake sincerity that he could have been one of the greatest agents in the history of Hollywood.