The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Super Ads 2011

February 7, 2011

Before I get started on my review of this year’s Super Bowl commercials I want to come to the aid of a lady in distress. Can we lay off of Christina Aguilera and her muffed line in the National Anthem? Look, she was nervous, under pressure, and out of her element. The NFL asked her to sing fully clothed and without a stripper pole to hang onto! While I’m on the subject of the Nation Anthem why can’t the football players show a little respect when the country is being honored?  Their sideline slouching was shameful! Roger Goodell, get out your paddle and take some of those guys to the woodshed!

Once again the folks who think this is a good way to spend their investors dollars spent slightly more than the gross national product of Niger and Ethiopia combined with, in most cases, very mediocre results. With so many ads it’s hard in a short piece to hit them all so I am skipping all the promos and movie trailers although the CBS/House parody of the 1980 Mean Joe Green was one of my favorites.

I think I have finally figured out that is run by a horny fifteen year old boy out of his parents’ basement. What in the world trying to make me think Joan Rivers is hot has to do with getting a domain name is beyond me? Joan is a safe distance from “hot” no matter how many body doubles they used. I don’t know how much money Danica Patrick and Jillian Michaels are paid to debase themselves in what year after years have been the unsexiest and unfunniest ads but it isn’t nearly enough! The ads beg us to go to their website to see the “uncensored” ending to the ads. I wonder how many frustrated high school boys went to Go Daddy thinking they were going to see Ms. Patrick and Ms. Michaels in the buff but only found a lame joke/dance number instead. Can someone tell me the name of Go Daddy’s biggest competitor is because I am moving my domain names!

The Groupon ads with Timothy Hutton and Cuba Gooding Jr. were clever and as a conservative I liked how tweaked liberal causes. This series was among my favorites until I had to explain to my 12 year old boy what a “Brazilian Wax” was after the Elizabeth Hurley ad. Do we really need to be making jokes about crotch waxing during a sports event that is watched by families?

Pepsi Max/Doritos continued their series of homemade ads which this year fell woefully short of the high standard that had been set in previous years. Cans to the groin, spousal abuse and felony assault: hilarious! The finger licker and pants sniffer guy was just creepy and made me wonder how the HR person at this company still has a job. I must admit I did like the “tiny dog through the door” ad and if I were picking the winner “house sitter who revives grandpa” would get the money.

Some brief takes some of the other ads. Eminem doesn’t do commercials but had two on during the super bowl. Anyone convinced the rap star is pimping down Woodward Ave. in his Chrysler 200?  Coke Dragon ad: predictable. Faith Hill Teleflora: Nice “rack” joke, please refer to Elizabeth Hurley comment. Richard Lewis and Roseanne Barr of Snickers: not bad for variations on a theme. Motorola Xoom: Let me see if I have this right; if you have a Xoom you are a rule breaker and unlike all the zombies using that other Smartphone, you know the one who did the original 1984-ish ad years ago. So let’s all run out and get a Xoom so we can all be the different again. Do I have it?

Chevy Truck/Lassie, I chuckled! Bud Light/ Home Improvement: weak. Bud Light/Dogs: weaker! forgettable. Mercedes Benz/Diddy: Look who we spent too much money to get in our ad! Chevy Cruse/Old Folks: Oops I think you missed a cliché! Career Builders: Monkeys are always funny! E Trade/babies: Apparently as babies get older they lose their sense of humor!

The cream of the crop for this year were very good! The Bud Light “product placement” ad was an example of taking a joke and running it into the ground until you can’t help but laugh!  When the Bud Light truck comes screaming into the frame I was LMAO! Both Bridgestone Tire ads were clever and well done. The “reply all” ad was my runner-up favorite of the evening. Is there anybody under the age of 90 who hasn’t sent an e mail they wish they could pull back? The other Bridgestone ad had a high cute factor with the beaver repaying the driver who swerved to avoid hitting him.

I liked Kia “Epic Ride” but my overall favorite for the day was the CarMax, “I Feel Like…” ad.  Though both ads followed a series of connected vignettes the quirky similes of the CarMax ad made it my big winner! Agree, disagree or maybe I missed your favorite, let me hear from you!


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy; How is That Bailout Working?

December 2, 2008


The CEOs of the big three auto makers are back in Washington today. They were sent home two weeks ago by Sister Nancy after showing up for their bailout without their book reports. Later it was disclosed that, GASP! HORROR! SHOCKING! They flew to D.C. on corporate jets. Those horrible morons! Of course no member of Congress has ever taken a private jet anywhere while lecturing the American people on global warming or the need to conserve energy. I am sure Sister Nancy takes her covered wagon when traveling between her West Coast villa and the capital. Maybe she roughs it in the middle seat in coach with the screaming baby on one side of her and the over-served won’t shut up guy on the other.

I am not exactly sure why the members of congress got so uppity about loaning the relatively paltry sum of twenty five billion to Detroit while throwing somewhere between three and four trillion to Wall Street grifters.  At least if the automakers default or go belly up we can call the repo man and get three or four hundred thousand cars for the new national used car lot. What do we get if AIG goes out of business, some nifty 2009 desk calendars?

During the election, before He Who Is got the right to his own corporate jet for the next four years, this whole bailout thing got started. Remember what the bailout was going to do? Free up credit and stabilize the markets. We needed to do it right now or the whole economy was going down the disposal. Without the bailout the Dow was going down to seven thousand, thousands more houses would go into foreclosure and unemployment might hit seven percent. Since the bailout the housing market has continued in free fall and markets have been swinging more wildly that Hef in the sixties and houses are emptying out faster than Paul Brown Stadium.  The people who are actually getting the money from Uncle Sugar are sticking it away to shore up their balance sheets. So what did we get for our money?  We got a line of folks with their hands out that now stretches from Wall Street to Detroit, to California with no end in sight. So how is that bailout working out for us?

It’s a shame that the folks who are running things now weren’t around to bailout United Buggy Whip and Amalgamated Starched Collars in the beginning of the last century.  Everyone keeps pointing to our bailout of Chrysler back in 1980 as some success story but I believe they are one of the corporations in line with hat in hand again.