The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Ok, Ok I Admit It! We’re all Racists!

October 8, 2009

Fellow conservatives, the time has come to drop the façade and come clean with the American public! Let’s admit that Carter, Clinton, Maher, Garafolo and a host of other are all right and we are just a bunch of low IQ, knuckle dragging, mouth breathing, inbred, sheet wearing racists!

There I said it! I feel better already. It’s time to fess up that it isn’t about our beliefs or principles. It isn’t about morality or the Constitution.  It’s all about race! We Conservatives have feigned are approval for Michael Steel, Condi Rice, Clarence Thomas, Walter Williams, Thomas Sowell, Larry Elder and a host of other Black conservatives for far too long.  We reject Ward Connerly, Niger Innis, Shelby Steel, Armstrong Williams and Kenneth Blackwell. Who needs them!

The leftist are correct:

If Obama were just a White guy we would all be in favor of a government takeover of our Healthcare system. If he were White we would be happy to stand in the government line and take whatever they deemed sufficient to dole out to us. 

If Obama were just a White guy we would favor Cap and Trade and be happy to kick in a bunch more dough for our heating oil to keep our kids warm in the winter. We would believe in global warming and wouldn’t mind that Al Gore has made more money off of carbon than all of the coal mine in West Virginia.

If Obama were just a White guy we would be all for folks like Van Jones and Kevin Jennings. We would accept the loose logic of Jones on 9/11 and loose morality of Jennings when counseling school kids.

If Obama were only a white guy we would be all for the government takeover of GM and regulating private sector pay checks.

If Obama were only a white guy we would be happy to walk away from the war on terror.

If only Obama were a White guy we would all support getting the Gitmo detainees into this country.

If Obama were only a White guy we would be in favor of making all illegal aliens citizens tomorrow.

If Obama were only a white guy we would all be happy Marxist too!


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Janeane is Off Her Meds Again

October 4, 2009

I happened to see some clips of alleged comedienne Janeane Garafalo on the Bill Maher show the other night. I have a warning for anyone who sees her in person or is near her: Janeane is off her meds again and the voices in her head have taken control.

She is already on record as believing that anyone who does not worship at the Church of Radical Leftism is a “straight up racist.” Beside not understanding the English translation of her argot “straight up” I am sure that anyone who is even a little bit clear-headed can imagine a world where people who thought Condi was dandy and helped Michael Steel get to the helm of the GOP might not take race as the deciding factor with Obama. Be that as it may, Ms. Garafolo assured us that not only were right wingers racists but that the  GOP has been the bastion of White Supremacy since the 1950’s.

keeping in mind one of the favorite saying of my friend Larry Elder that, “Facts are like kryptonite to toe tag liberals.” (Mr. Elder define them as liberals who believe in government intrusion in our lives from birth until they put the tag on your toe in the morgue) I will present a few facts to try to put Janeane back in the real world.

President Eisenhower, backed and signed the first two pieces of signifigant civil rights legislation in America in 1956 and 1960. He also appointed Republican judges in the south who mover Brown vs. The Board of Education to the Supreme Court. President Eisenhower was…say it with me…A Republican .

The landmark 1964 Civil Rights Act was back by 82% of Republicans in Congress while only 62 % of Democrats. Opposition to the bill was led by Robert Byrd..Democrat! These other well know Senators also voted against the bill, Albert Gore Sr, William J Fulbright, Richard Russell, and James Eastland all democrats!  Two other well know historical figures were prominate in the segregation movement George Wallace and Orval Faubus, Both tried to block black students from attending “white” schools, both were also Democrats.  It is also interesting to note that both Faubus and Fulbright were counted as mentors by…anyone? William J. Clinton, who I believe was also a Democrat.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Snake on the Plane!

August 5, 2009

I don’t want to seem too preoccupied with the past.  I don’t want to dwell on old wrongs. I know we have all moved into the age of Obama where we will all cooperate, have bipartisan government and hold hands with Islamic terrorists, (I’m sorry, I meant to say with Islamic manufacturers of man-made disasters), and the past is forgiven. Unless your name is Bush or Chaney in which case you need to be made to pay for screwing up the reputation for weakness and capitulation Bill Clinton took eight long years to build.

Come on in girls, get comfortable while I slip into something comfortable

Come on in girls, grab a seat while I slip into something comfortable

Which brings me to my subject; did anyone besides me see the irony in sending Bill Clinton, perhaps the most famous serial philanderer of the past two centuries, to pick up two hot Asian girls in North Korea? It was the ultimate in Asian carry out!

How did that go down? Was Bill sitting in his Laze-E-Boy while Hillary was talking on the phone to the North Koreans? She hangs up and says, “I got the release all worked out now if I could just find someone who wouldn’t mind sitting on a private jet for twelve hours with two hot Asian women.” Before you can say Paula Flowers, Bill is on his way to the airport with a blue suit and a bottle of Viagra.

Did the women know the ride home was going to be with the biggest snake of them all on the plane? I wonder how the North Koreans broke the news.  “Listen ladies, you can go home with Bill Clinton or stay here for ten years of hard labor.” They look at each other and say, “How many years was that?”

Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy for Ms. Laura Ling and Ms. Euna Lee. There are some questions that need to be answered. Why were two employees of Al Gore hanging on the China/North Korea border? Why didn’t Big Al hop on one of his carbon neutral personal jets and go pick up these two women? What were they doing there to begin with? Did the Chinese government know they were there?  What did we give the North Koreans for the release of these two women? Call me cynical but I don’t think a few pictures with Bill Clinton and some carbon credits from Al Gore would do the trick. Once again the Obama Administration has shown that it is business as usual in Washington where the same old people get all the good gigs.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: A Limited Recount in Tehran

June 18, 2009

Q. How many young Iranian voters does it take to oust Ahmadinejad?

A. More than they have, apparently!

Remember student council elections in high school. You took it so seriously, as if … Like if you just elected the right person you’d get rock music over the PA in the morning and no final exams. When I look at things like the beauty contest election in Iran for President, an office with about the same amount of  power, I wonder how afraid the puppeteers on the council of twelve high muckity-mucks must be that they won’t allow someone who they had to approve to run for office actually win.

In a statement the Guardian Council said they might be willing to have a limited recount of some ballot boxes. Remind you of anything? That is exactly what the Al Goristas wanted to do in Florida a few years back. Fortunately for us, and yes I mean you Progressives too, we let the lawyers handle it while we had a cookout and a few beers and when it was over we traded snide comments rather than bullets in the streets.

Here is the thing about the election, the Guardian Council and Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, said that Ahmadinejad won 63 % of the vote. I think if you are going to tell a lie you should at least make it a believable lie. Like folks who listened to Wilt Chamberlin claim how many women he had slept with or Clinton saying he smoked but didn’t inhale I think the average Iranian just has a problem thinking his guy got beat that badly. I think the over/ under was only 55%.

Another problem is that the Supreme Leader, (What a great title!), has already said that the election results were a “divine verdict.”  That’s a tough position to back away from when you are not only the political leader of a country but its religious one as well. A Mr. Abbasali Kadkhodai, who is a spokesman for the Guardian Council said there might be some changes to the vote tally. So you see, maybe the current puppet president won by only getting 61%. Our Bad!

The Iranian government has termed the protests “unauthorized gathering” and Janet Napolitano wishes she would have thought of that term before the Tea Parties!

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Breaking Down Barack

February 26, 2009


Ever since Bill Clinton gave us the greatest insight into the modern political mind with the words, “it depends on what the meaning of “is” is.” it has become important for the intelligent citizen to closely parse all political speech. I didn’t listen to President Obama’s speech to congress live because I was busy watching a “Maude” marathon on some obscure cable network. I recorded the speech so I could fast forward through all of the obligatory applause breaks and got his hour and ten minute speech down to forty five minutes. I pulled out a few quotes from the speech so I could break them down and share their deeper meaning. Mr. Obama’s words will be in bold and my explanation will follow. I may have missed your favorite quote, or your take on these may be a little different than mine so feel free to add it when you comment.



Let the socialism begin!

Let the socialism begin!


“Nor did all of our problems begin when the housing market collapsed or the stock market sank. We have known for decades that our survival depends on finding new sources of energy.”


So your theory, Mr. President, is that if we would have given out a wind turbine or a solar panel with every bad loan we would be ok today?  

“And though all these challenges went unsolved, we still managed to spend more money and pile up more debt, both as individuals and through our government, than ever before”

So the new plan is to pile up another trillion or two in debt? That’s our bold new strategy?

.“People bought homes they knew they couldn’t afford from banks and lenders who pushed those bad loans anyway.”

Encouraged, some may say forced, to do so by a liberal congress which tried to enact yet another piece of social engineering with no regard to the unforeseen consequences.  

“Not because I believe in bigger government — I don’t.”

… and to prove this, for the rest of this speech all I will talk about is new government programs with big budgets and more bureaucrats.

“Because of this plan, 95 percent of working households in America will receive a tax cut — a tax cut that you will see in your paychecks beginning on April 1st.

Enjoy your eight dollars a week! Have a pound of hard salami on me!

“And that’s why I’ve asked Vice President Biden to lead a tough, unprecedented oversight effort — because nobody messes with Joe.”

Except that scam artist Stanford who took him and his family for 22 million.

 “…this time, CEOs won’t be able to use taxpayer money to pad their paychecks, or buy fancy drapes, or disappear on a private jet. Those days are over.”

In the private sector! From now on those privileges are reserved to those in government service

“But while the cost of action will be great, I can assure you that the cost of inaction will be far greater.”

How do we know? Unfortunately for the taxpayers the government is always in action.

“But to truly transform our economy, to protect our security, and save our planet from the ravages of climate change…”

Coldest winter in 30 years and thickest polar ice since 1979, are you sure about that whole global warming thing?

“… we need to ultimately make clean, renewable energy the profitable kind of energy. So I ask this Congress to send me legislation that places a market-based cap on carbon pollution and drives the production of more renewable energy in America. That’s what we need.”

More taxes on the wealthy! More government regulation! Happy days are here again comrades! But I don’t believe in bigger government!

. We’ve also made the largest investment in basic research funding in American history — an investment that will spur not only new discoveries in energy, but breakthroughs in medicine and science and technology.”

More taxes! More Bureaucrats! But I don’t believe in bigger government

“This budget builds on these reforms. It includes a historic commitment to comprehensive health care reform — a down payment on the principle that we must have quality, affordable health care for every American.”

More taxes! More Government in your life! But I don’t believe in bigger government.

Now, there will be many different opinions and ideas about how to achieve reform, and that’s why I’m bringing together businesses and workers, doctors and health care providers, Democrats and Republicans to begin work on this issue next week.

…and the genii says, “Let me see that map of the Middle East again!”

“Now, I’m proud that we passed a recovery plan free of earmarks…”

Of course there is still plenty of pork and pet projects we just aren’t calling them earmarks. What the meaning of “is” is, Excellent! Hehehehe!

“And yesterday, I held a fiscal summit where I pledged to cut the deficit in half by the end of my first term in office.

If you spend $800 billion you don’t have in the first three weeks of your administration and cut that down to just $400 billion in four years haven’t you cut the deficit by 50%?

“And that is why I can stand here tonight and say without exception or equivocation that the United States of America does not torture.”

Really? Then why is this speech so long?

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: The Return of Bill Hicks

February 3, 2009

I did a short interview yesterday with talk show host Marc Germain at about my old friend the late, great comic Bill Hicks. You can hear the interview on Marc’s Web Site

The Late Great Bill Hicks

The Late Great Bill Hicks

Bill died at age 31 fifteen years ago but is still a cult celebrity among comedy mavens. His last national television appearance was on the Letterman show. The set was cut due to controversial content. It was aired last Friday by CBS with Bill’s mom making an appearance on the show. Letterman was profusely apologetic about the censorship of the material fifteen years ago. You can watch the set at the link below or find it all over the internet.


Before I get into this next bit let me say I was a huge fan of Bill’s. I was honored to have been a friend and of having had the chance to watch him develop as an artist from the Comic’s Annex in Houston to being a major force in comedy both here and in Great Britain. This set, even though it has some very funny bits is not Hicks at his best.  

I am not sure why Letterman cut the segment back in 1993. Some thought it was because of his roasting of gays or pro lifers. Other thought it was his attack on Christians for wearing crosses I think it was the opening minute where he called for, in a comic way, the killing of some celebrities he didn’t like. I’m still of the opinion that the opening minute is unacceptable for broadcast television. I am sure that many find Bill’s take on the Pro Life movement offensive. I am sure other would find his ribbing of gay children’s books homophobic and his take on smoking in heaven a little over the line but comedy is supposed to be offensive and irreverent. However, it should never advocate violence against individuals even in a comic way.

If Hicks had gone on TV and said he had a new show called “Let’s Hunt Down and Kill Bill Clinton.” instead of Billy Ray Cyrus he could have been arrested. When Alec Baldwin was on Conan and “joked” about killing Henry Hyde and his family I was outraged. It wasn’t funny when Alec Baldwin did it; it’s a crime if you name the wrong person and even though we may not like Billy Ray Cyrus or the others Bill named at the top of his monologue calling for violence against anyone on national TV is morally objectionable.

I think Dave was right to use his good judgment back in 1993. Maybe he’s been in New York too long but the opening minute of this set still isn’t funny and shouldn’t be shown on the public airwaves.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Why Sean Penn Can Be Gay.

January 28, 2009

I do a bit in my nightclub act about how hard it is to make a suspense thriller in Hollywood today because of political correctness. You can’t make a black man or an Arab the bad guy; that’s racial prejudice. You can’t make a woman the villain or you’re a sexist. If a gay man or woman is the heavy then you are a homophobe and in today’s Hollywood there is no more dangerous career move than going up against La Cosa Finocchio. In the perfect politically correct world of Hollywood there are no Latino gang members, no Arab terrorists, no Black mobsters, no bad gay men or women, or evil straight women. There is only that diabolic oppressor, the middle aged white guy.  So when you go to see a movie like the recent hit “Iron Man” as soon as fat bald middle aged white Jeff Bridges walks on the screen its dollars to donuts that he’s Mr. Big, the head of all evil doings and the one pulling all the strings.

There has also been another interesting movement in Hollywood over the last twenty years. It’s the politically correct movement against acting. There has been a call from inside the acting unions and from activist groups to only cast perfect ethnic and physical matches for roles in film and on television. For example if the script calls for a hearing impaired character you should cast a person who is hearing impaired, no acting required. If you have a role for a Mexican character you should cast an actor who is ethnically Mexican. You should not cast an Italian guy who is a better actor and still looks the part because there is no way that he could “act” Mexican as well as the authentic item. When Tom Hanks and Antonio Banderas were cast in the movie “Philadelphia” to play gay men there was some controversy about straight men playing gay. How could they possibly understand the gay experience under the oppressive straight white man?

So why when Sean Penn was cast to play the iconic gay politician Harvey Milk was there not even a murmur from the gay activist community? I believe it is the same reason that woman’s groups said nothing about the various sexual shenanigans of Bill Clinton; the politics of the offender were so perfectly leftist no foul was called. Bill Clinton was for unfettered abortion and appointed a women to be Surgeon General, Attorney General and Secretary of State, how could he possibly be a sexual harasser? Sean Penn is a leftist’s leftist and leftist do not eat other leftist for breakfast, it just isn’t done.

A final piece of political correctness in Hollywood that drives me up the wall is how the term “actress” is seen as politically incorrect. In the beautiful world of the Screen Actors Guild we are all equal and all known simply as “actors”. Until it comes to handing out the SAG Awards then there is a category for “female actor”. If we are all equal why not just one award for best actor? I think a lot of “female actors” are afraid that too many fat bald middle aged white guys would win, you know how they are!