The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Barack the Obamedian

May 11, 2009

Barack Obama is getting ready for his next career. The other night he was the opening act for comedian Wanda Sykes at the White House Correspondents dinner. Soon he could be featuring at Funny Bones across America. It was interesting to watch a room full of allegedly unbiased journalists cheer for the President. It was obvious that their enthusiasm was not for the semi-flat jokes at times but for the underlying left wing politics.

The economy must be worse that the administration is letting on. I saw Warren Buffet and Richard Belzer in the house. Who are they writing for these days? In both the President’s and Wanda’s sets there seemed to be a lack of jokes about the Administration. Since I have a few years of experience at stand-up and teaching comedy writing at undisclosed locations I thought might give a review of his work and offer some suggestions.

Tonight I want to speak from the heart. I’m going to speak off the cuff. (Teleprompters rise.) Good evening.  Pause for laughter.

I am not a big fan of prop gags but this one worked alright even though he telegraphed the punch line.

I am Barack Obama. Most of you covered me…

 It’s always good to introduce yourself. Don’t assume that everybody is informed! If they were you would still be the junior senator from Illinois. 

…All of you voted for me…Apologies to the Fox table…

This is a construction I would deem “true story” comedy. No embellishment needed, just the facts as they happened are funny. This was the first point where I noticed the applause was too strong for the joke. Most of them did vote for him.

I would like to welcome you all to the 10-day anniversary of my first 100 days.

Having a healthy ego and a high sense of self worth is important to stand-up.

I do have to say, though, that this is a tough holiday for Rahm Emanuel because he’s not used to saying the word “day” after “mother.”  That’s true.  

Again just a nice “true story” gag. Then he broke one of the cardinal rules of stand up and politics which is never admit you are just making it up. By saying “That’s true,” it lets the audience know everything else is a lie.

Now Sasha and Malia aren’t here tonight because they’re grounded. You can’t just take Air Force One on a joy ride to Manhattan. I don’t care whose kids you are. We’ve been setting some ground rules here. They’re starting to get a little carried away.

Hey, lay off the kids! If you don’t want right wing nut jobs like me making fun of them in a few years then don’t use them for public props when it suits your purposes. Besides, making fun of your kids is almost as tricky as props and ethnic jokes. Why not do this as a mother-in-law joke. How about, “Michelle’s mother told us she wanted to take the train up to New York for a day and see the sights. I said, why not just fly?  I have to be careful what I say when the Pentagon Liaison is in the room!”   

…And he (David Axelrod) said to me the same thing that partners all across America are saying to one another right now: Let’s go to Iowa and make it official.

Gay jokes, really?  

Dick Cheney was supposed to be here but he is very busy working on his memoirs, tentatively titled, “How to Shoot Friends and Interrogate People.”

This is a good joke, but he fumbled the delivery!

… whirlwind of activity these first hundred days. We’ve enacted a major economic recovery package, we passed a budget, we forged a new path in Iraq, and no President in history has ever named three Commerce Secretaries this quickly.

Not a bad joke but you should have only used two examples in your set up. Remember, set the pattern, reinforce the pattern, and then break the pattern.

… Which reminds me, if Judd Gregg is here; your business cards are ready now.

Not a bad tag, but you fumbled this delivery too.

…Larry Summers asked if he could chair the White House Council on Women and Girls.

Another risky topic for liberal comics, did you hear the groans and small boos from the feminists in the crowd. Barack needs to remember that radical feminist have had their sense of humor surgically removed.

And I do appreciate that Larry is here tonight because it is seven hours past his bedtime.

Weak tag.

Gibbs liked that one.

Weaker tag.

…You know, we (Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Obama) had been rivals during the campaign, but these days we could not be closer. In fact, the second she got back from Mexico she pulled into a hug and gave me a big kiss.

Would he be making Swine Flu jokes if he  really thought it was all that big of a danger?

…So I’d like to talk a little bit about what my administration plans to achieve in the next hundred days.

Hey! Hey! This is my bit from a blog I wrote a week ago! Somebody in the White House writer’s room is reading Big Hollywood!

During the second hundred days, we will design, build and open a library dedicated to my first hundred days. It’s going to be big, folks.  In the next hundred days, I will learn to go off the prompter and Joe Biden will learn to stay on the prompter.

Finally some self-deprecation! Here is my theory on comedy about the Obama Administration: Obama, off limits, Biden whipping boy!


I realize that the President didn’t write any of his own material but that is just keeping with his established style. 


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Sour Grapes and a Little Whine

November 5, 2008

Members of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy send their official congratulations to our “Enlightened Progressive” friends.  As a right wing nut jobs I am going to bed early. As soon as Pennsylvania went down I knew it was over. I am starting a new drinking game, every time a liberal uses the word “mandate” you do a shot.  I hope you aren’t too hung over tomorrow morning to realize that this isn’t over. That whole campaign thing was actually the easy part, now you are the power party and I say best of luck to you. You now own the whole financial mess, the war in Iraq, the war in Afghanistan, bloated government, and the rest of the things you have been able to lay at the feet of George Bush.

I truly hope the next four years will prove me to be as wrong Obama as I was about my first wife.  I am, however going out tomorrow and buying a couple of new guns, some gold, a trunk full of ammo and a cellar full of canned good just in case my worst fears are realized. If I were an Iraqi I would be moving my family to the north which will within weeks of our troops leaving become the new Kurdish republic.

On the right we will be eagerly awaiting to see Mr. Obama’s hand reaching across the aisle without his middle finger extended. Perhaps it wasn’t him who ordered three reporters from papers that didn’t endorse him off of his plane last week. I don’t hold out much hope for having any conservative voice in his cabinet if we can’t even have a lift to the next adoration site.

If Obama tries to govern from the center I am just wondering how long it will be until you real far lefties start dogging him. If he governs from the left how long will it be until his job performance numbers drop below Nancy Pelosi’s. As a blogger I get to go on the offensive. You lefties are about to find out it is easier to attack than to defend. Enjoy your last few weeks of kicking Bush around because as it says in the country song, “You’re gonna miss this.” As a comic you did give me Biden to have fun with and maybe even Al Franken, so thanks for that. I’m gonna rest up for a few days and then it’s back to throwing bricks your way. So enjoy the parties and the elation of the victory like new love that gooey feeling doesn’t last too long. I think Robert Redford said it best at the end of the movie, The Candidate, “Now what?”

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Joltin’ Joe Gaffes Again

September 26, 2008

Congress is like a slick Vegas magician. While our attention is on its fiddling with the Wall Street mess they slip a quick 25 billion in welfare to the auto industry and hope nobody was noticing. That means this month’s bailouts are already over a hundred billion with a proposed 700 billion more to come. This is without looking down the road to bigger problems. If the Government is going to give away money I’d just as soon they do a giant lottery and make 800,000 instant millionaires out of people who filed a tax return last year. I’d even settle for $100,000 dollars in school choice vouchers for eight million inner city families. While everyone seems to think you can’t get credit just this week my mailbox was filled with four credit card offers, two refi come ons, several debt consolidation schemes and a home equity proposal.

Barack of course was right on top of the whole deal. He looked firmly into the cameras and let the America public know that if there was anything he could do he was just a phone call away. Mr. Obama was busy trying to memorize his stock answers and rehearsed adlibs for the debate in Mississippi. If McCain stays in Washington maybe PBS could borrow Larry King for a night and have him ask Barack about his kids like he did Ahmadinejad.

Not to be outdone, the Obama Campaign is doing a little misdirection of its own. All the while they and their minions are screaming for the Moron Media to give Sarah Palin a wedgie Joe Biden is banging his head against the wall and getting almost no coverage. Poor Joe is like the step child who has been sent to live in the basement, ignored and now acting out to try to get some attention. 

I’m not going to list Joe’s recent gaffes because I have a life to get back to and really don’t have the time. If any of my Enlightened Progressive friends out there have any intellectual honesty left they’ll admit if Governor Palin had committed any of these boners there would be a posse of east coast media elitists with torches and pitchforks gathering up feathers and heating the oil right now. 

In another of his grand illusions Obama is out screaming about how McCain has all these “evil lobbyists” running things at Camp Johnny at the same time his staff and advisors are packed with folks who ripped millions out of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Of course they aren’t registered lobbyist so I guess they don’t count. I always love it when a politician says the other side is counting on the stupidity of the American people all the while they are waving shiny objects and hoping the people don’t notice the smoke and mirrors.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Slap a Little Pig on That Lipstick Comment

September 10, 2008

There are two rules for making jokes. The first is that a joke isn’t funny until laughed at by a second person. Second is that a joke unintended is a joke none the less. Barack Obama is finding out today that the second rule can bite you in the gluteus maximus really hard. I think the fact there was a derogatory lipstick reference in both his and Biden’s public appearances yesterday is no coincidence. My own opinion is that both were intended as direct slaps at soon to be Vice President Sarah Palin. I say “soon to be” because that may end up being the Mike Dukakis in a tank moment of this election. I could be totally wrong about the intent of the reference but I have a hard time believing guys as smart as David Axelrod and Barack Obama didn’t see how it might be taken that way.

More important that Barack’s intent with the line is the way the audience in the hall and in the Midwestern battleground states took the joke. I admit he line was very funny in an edgy night club comic sort of way but Barack isn’t competing on Last Comic Standing. What every voter in those states heard was a guy who wants to be President of the United States calling a woman a pig. What he needs to do now is slap on a little lipstick and start kissing some behind. If he tries to defend this remark in any way what he can kiss is the goodbye to the election.

Barack’s line was funnier that anything Russell Brand had to say on Sunday at the MTV VMA awards.  Do you know the difference between Russell Brand and a pit bull? The pit bull has had some original thoughts.  Alleged comedian Russell Brand is the kind of guy who spends more time on his hairdo that anything else. On Sunday night the host of the MTV video awards show launched a lowlife and lowbrow attack on Sarah Palin and her family. This imported leftist is the kind of guy who thinks he is edgy when he takes on tough targets like Christianity and unsophisticated seventeen years old girls. It’s easy to come to the freest country in the world and spout your juvenile and puerile tripe. Show me some real backbone and go to Pakistan and criticize the Taliban or to Iran and ask the folks there to elect a leftist. 

Russell Brand isn’t the real bad guy here. He’s just a drug addled Marxist who would still be on the government dole back in the UK if not for some outstanding luck. The real culprit here is MTV its parent companies Viacom and CBS. I am all about free speech but I think that media companies should be held to account for the garbage they dump into the air just like other any other industry. So, my right wing nut job friends what are we to do? I think we should take a page from the playbook of the extreme left and start contacting the advertisers on all Viacom shows. Where we can hit then the hardest is at Nickelodeon, a kid’s network. The same company that pumps Russell Brand into your home is the same that turns around and sells you Dora and Sponge Bob. So drop an e-mail to one or two of their sponsors and let’s see if Viacom comes around.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Dude, Where’s My Change?

August 25, 2008

Joe Biden? That’s it?  Is this the start of the big sea change in American politics? He of the loose lips and bad hair transplants is the first change that Obama has for us? Seriously, if you sat down for a month and tried to think of a more “in the box” pick for a vice presidential candidate you would be hard pressed to come up with a more ho-hum name than Joe Biden. Oh wait, that’s just what the folks behind the Oracle from Chicago seem to have done. They went to the grocery store for salsa but came back with cottage cheese, old moldy cottage cheese. Senator Biden has been in Washington since Barack was in the fifth grade! This guy is carrying more baggage that a cruise ship porter.

Barack could have gone outside of politics to a business leader like his buddy Warren Buffett or into the academic world for someone who shares his world view like Ward Churchill. He could have bitten the bullet and picked Hillary and unified not only his party but the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy as well. He could have done a lot of things to foreshadow the changes he has in store for America but what he gave us was a VP pick that shouts politics as usual.

Be honest with me, my enlightened progressive friends, how many of you, when you got your text message and read that Joe Biden was the second half of the ticket either thought the system had been hacked or simply said, “What the (expletive deleted)!” Did any of you jump off of your futon in a burst of unrestrained joy? I didn’t think so.

What is the deep strategy behind this bold pick? Maybe Barack was trying to lock up Delaware and it three electoral votes which haven’t gone Republican since 1988. Perhaps Mr. Obama was afraid we were unsure of his anti-second amendment stance after his “…they cling to guns or religion…” statement.

I won’t get into the numerous verbal slap downs that Biden gave Obama before he polled a whopping one percent in Iowa and quit the presidential race. Maybe there is some hidden brilliance here that I am too much of a moron to see or maybe Barack just had a bad day.