The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: The Olympics, the Agony of the Seat

August 15, 2008

I am trying very hard to put my backside in front of the television to root home our Olympic team but in direct contrast to the old saw my flesh is willing but my spirit is weak. I just can’t get into the games and after giving it some thought here are several reasons.

First, the coverage has become too political correct. I don’t want to see the Brazilian Woman’s water polo team, a Togolese kayaker or the Pakistani field hockey team. I don’t care! I’m an American and do you know what I want to see? I want to see another American kicking someone’s ass! If we are not kicking their ass, cut it off and show me something else. In the 2004 Olympics NBC showed a basketball game where our men got beat by Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico! We still own Puerto Rico so why aren’t they on our team? It’s like Indiana getting their own Olympic team, it isn’t right.

There are a lot of thing in the Olympics that just aren’t sports. Badminton comes to mind. If I would have know I could win a gold medal for playing badminton I would have had a few less Budweisers at the annual Fourth of July picnic and been working on my game. Games like badminton are put in the Olympics so that third world countries can get a few medals. I would imagine that all of the badminton awards this year will go to someone from a country where getting food is more of a national pastime than any athletic competition. Ping Pong is also in at the games this year and I am trying to think which nation is good at table tennis. Could it be the China?

Other sports are being taken out of the Olympics. Baseball and softball are being shown the door after Beijing. These sports are played seriously in a lot more countries than badminton but the International Olympic Committee is made up of a lot of third world socialist. Liberal socialist everywhere, from France to Berkley hate the USA and Bush. Since these are our national sports and we dominate them in every games it’s their little way of sending a big FU to the U.S. In order to retaliate I think all of the gay women on our softball team should take up badminton.

I can’t watch woman’s gymnastics. It makes me feel dirty watching prepubescent girls flop around in skintight suits. If you had stuff like that on your computer you could get arrested for child pornography

Finally I can’t believe that everyone who wins an event gets exactly the same gold medal. That isn’t fair because some sports are harder than others. I like boxing it’s the most brutal and basic of all sports. But the guy who wins the heavyweight division of Olympic boxing gets the same medal as the guy who sits backwards in the eight man rowing event and doesn’t do anything.