The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: The Dilemma’s Dilemma

November 15, 2010


The movie “The Dilemma” isn’t going to be released until January but is already generating big press. In case you haven’t heard in an early trailer for the film one of the stars, Vince Vaughn, who plays an auto designer, says,

“Ladies and gentlemen, electric cars are gay. I mean, not ‘homosexual’ gay, but, you know, ‘my parents are chaperoning the dance’ gay.”

Even though Universal withdrew the trailer after protests director Ron Howard say he will keep the line in the film. Now more protests are threatened unless the joke is cut from the movie. This line has sent gay activists into a tizzy and has now made any reference to “gay” in a humorous way the moral equivalent of carrying Mein Kampf into a synagogue. One gay activist is quoted as saying the joke promotes “hate and homophobia.” Ellen DeGeneres and Anderson Cooper say it is a form of bullying. Mr. Cooper of CNN has said, “We’ve got to do something to make those words unacceptable ’cause those words are hurting kids!” Good for you, Andy! I am sure that you will be apologizing to all of the Tea Party activists you giggling called “tea baggers” indirectly calling them “gay” now that you have seen the light.

I am sure the people at GLAAD would have come down on Mr. Cooper and Bill Maher had they realized what they were saying. They were probably just really busy for a year or so and missed that “joke” all over TV and the internet. Thankfully the folks from GLAAD have finally spoken up and are trying to end “gay” jokes! I say “bravo,” it’s about time to end all of this “attack” humor!  

We have to take a stand and stop letting comedy and comedians offend people. Let’s get a whole list of banned words and topics together. Let’s see, we have the granddaddy of all banned word, a word so bad we can’t even print it we can only refer to it as, “the ‘N’ word.” Then we have the “f” word and I have to be honest I don’t know if that is “fag” or “fuck”.  We also have another contender for the “f” word, “fat.” As someone who has struggled with a weight problem all of my life I find any reference to “fat” in jokes offensive! In fact I find those “phat” references offensive too! Would “fag” be any less offensive to gay people if it were spelled “phag?” So let’s knock off the fat jokes. I am sure thin people find jokes about being skinny hurtful as well so they are o-u-t! Short, tall, unattractive, blond and any other reference to any appearance feature must be banned as well.

Then we have the “r” word. We wouldn’t want and actor calling an electric car “retarded” now would we? Jokes about people with or any reference to any type of limited abilities are now forbidden! We also need to be sensitive to how smart people are portrayed so jokes about geeks, nerds and dweebs are banned! As a Southerner and hillbilly let’s put an end to all of those hurtful references to how stupid people are in the south. No more NASCAR or incest jokes. Then too, we will have to agree to stop making jokes about New Yorkers and folks from Jersey. No jokes about California or its “dude” culture. In fact let’s just stop jokes about where people or from or how they behave!

I think it goes without saying that any ethnic reference is gone! Outlawed too is making fun of people’s religion, politics or educational background. No reference in any joke will be made to a person’s economic status. This can be hurtful no matter how much or how little a person has. Did I miss anything? Age? No “Geezer” jokes. Relationships? Off limits! No jokes about anything!   

A long time ago I was doing as TV show and had a joke about Daylight Savings Time and how in Indiana they didn’t observe it. “The days are boring enough without being any longer,” was the punch line. The producer asked me to cut the joke because it might offend someone in Indiana!  I told him that every joke offends somebody and if he could tell me a joke that didn’t I would cut the line without complaint. I got to do the joke.

As a comedian I know two things for sure; there is no such thing as a victimless joke and everything offends somebody. That is the whole point of comedy. Comedy is supposed to make fun of something. Great comedy makes us uneasy and makes us question are assumptions. Paraphrasing Twain, we are supposed to make hamburgers out of someone’s sacred cow. Once we start saying, “You can make fun of everything except…. (Insert your favorite set aside here) or “You can use any language you like except… (Insert any word that could possibly offend anyone here) it isn’t only the end of comedy it’s the end of free speech.


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Excuse me, You Leftism is Showing!

April 17, 2009

 On March 2nd there was a demonstration in Washington D.C. It was billed as the largest demonstration for green power/global warming awareness/stop dirty coal/ let’s all go live in a tepee, ever held. It was attended by, (are you ready for the number?), 2,500 people. That was the largest one ever! This demonstration was covered by every major television and news service. No station or alleged newspaper gave any coverage to opposing opinions. Ironically there was a blizzard that day another fact which, to the best of my knowledge, was not noted by any major news outlet.

 Thirteen days later one of the first of the grassroots “TEA Parties” was held in Cincinnati Ohio. Over five thousand average middle class folks showed up on Fountain Square in the center of the city. Their message was simple, we can’t afford our government! Did you see it on CNN? Maybe you caught it on ABC or MSNBC? If you did you need to check the strength of your prescriptions, it wasn’t on any of them. In fact, the overwhelming success of this protest against rampant, run away big government was one of the inspirations for yesterday’s national day of protest. But unless you live in Cincinnati you probably never heard about it.

Yesterday in thousands of cities and towns across America hundreds of thousands of plain folks came out into the streets to say. “Enough!” This was not a protest against any party or person in particular but against a paradigm in governments from Washington D.C. to the local city halls that assume there is no end to the amount of money we are willing to kick in.

You wouldn’t know that from the coverage of the events of yesterday. Everyone from CNN to MSNBC to my local paper went out of their way to make it seem like anyone who attended one of these gatherings was a right wing extremist! Right wing extremist, hummm where have I heard that term lately? Wasn’t there some sort of government document leaked to the public the day before all these TEA Parties? I am not a believer in coincidence, especially in politics. I believe that the Department of Homeland Security report was released in an effort to intimidate some citizen and keep them from attending the anti-tax rallies.

These demonstrations were too many and too big to be ignored so the leftist in the media moved to their second tactic, belittle and mock. I am sure that you may have seen alleged journalist from Anderson Cooper to Susan Roesgen to Keith Obermann mocking you and your beliefs. Belittling your efforts to make your voices heard. I personally have had enough of a mediocre sportscaster passing himself off as an intellectual. His program would be alright if it were on the proper cable channel at the proper time: Comedy Central sandwiched in between Stewart and Colbert. It would probably also get better ratings.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy; Caution Leftist, the Fat Lady May Be a Member of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

October 27, 2008

I know all of my leftist friends are in a state of total euphoria. All of the journalists like Chris Mathew, Maureen Dowd, Anderson Cooper, Katie Couric and Keith Obermann have declared Obama the winner of the White House in a landslide. I understand the New York Times has already printed their front page for November fifth. Nancy Pelosi and Barney Frank are busy writing new laws outlawing the Republican Party and getting ready issue federal arrest warrants for Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage. Re-education camps are being readied for the members of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. Hillary is out shopping for a black pant suit to wear under her Supreme Court robe. Oprah is planning a week of special shows each dedicated to one of Barack’s new spending programs. At the end of each program she will pick an audience member to have their wealth redistributed to get things started.    

The Champaign is on ice, the confetti is ready to be thrown and the balloons are ready to be dropped.  Plans for the coronation, I’m sorry, inauguration are being drawn up and the tee shirts are being printed. You are all making your party plans and I know what fun it is and I hate to be a wet blanket but the Fat Lady has not yet agreed to sing.

I know all of you lefties have been IM’ing, texting, e-mailing and blogging each other reinforcing your belief that it’s a done deal.  I know when you drive your Prius to the Organic Food Farmers Market and Hemp Clothing Outlet all you see is Obama 08 stickers and you know it’s going to happen. I am a Cub fan and I was pretty sure I would be watching my beloved Cubs play Tampa Bay tonight but here I am watching the Phillies. So just take a deep breath for a second and imagine a different world than the one you live in. In this world we are unhappy with Bush and his mediocre leadership but not quite ready to become France. We are not crazy in love with our candidate but not quite ready to wipe our collective backside with the Constitution for the sake of change.

I hate to seem petty, to stand on ceremony but some of us out here in Flyoverland want to vote before we let the Big O put his hand on the book. I can’t say I understand how it can be true but from everything I have read there are still ten to twelve percent of the voting public that say they are unsure who they are going to vote for. I may be wrong, those ten percent may go for Obama and I might be crying in my non-alcoholic beer a week from Wednesday but the Fat Lady may just be a card carrying member of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: The King of Pain, Hire a Stage Manager for God’s Sake and other random thoughts.

September 7, 2008

I’ve been away from the noise for a few days so I am catching up with the happenings of the last few days by watching TiVo, reading the Sunday New York Times and phoning up a few of my good ‘ol boy buddies. So after consulting with my advisers and two very large cups of coffee here are a few of what were, at the conventions called “red meat” observations.  

I watched a little TeVo-ed news from the weekend. I watched as much CNN as I could stand. Anderson Cooper was so apoplectic about the new political star Sarah Palin I was expecting him to stand up and shout out his love for Barack at any moment. He was having so much trouble keeping his veneer of impartiality up I almost felt sorry for him. I can’t wait for election night! When the returns start coming in and the defeat of Obama/Joe is looming I think he’s gonna go Howard Beale.

You really gotta respect Barack Obama. He’s got cajones the size of cantaloupes. Only a man with monumental chutzpah could come out here to Flyoverland, Terra Haute, IN to be exact, and tell us uninformed rubes that he was the one getting beat up last week. Sarah and Rudi make him the brunt of a few punch lines at the GOP hoedown and suddenly he’s the victim of abuse.  Maybe if there had been major magazines stories about his questionable marriage, reports on his minor children’s behavior, blogs about incest in his family, the parentage of his children and God knows what else I could work up a tear for him.  He’s crying because two politicians made fun of his lack of accomplishment, past work history and inflated ego. Where is your humanity right wing nut jobs?

The New York Times on the other hand has already let go even the pretense of fairness. Exhibit one; allow me to present the twelve page “Week in Review” section of the Times. Here we have twelve pages of ink which seems to be a paid advertisement for the Democrats with five negative articles on either McCain or Palin, four political cartoons three bashing Palin and one bashing Bush, five jokes from late night comics four bashing Palin and one bashing Bush and one giant front page article bashing Republicans in general for having the nerve to point out that the major media outlets lean left. Those heartless right wing nut jobs!

Finally, could the John McCain campaign please hire someone who knows something about staging, camera angles and color. After the hideous green background in New Orleans awhile back you’d think that someone on the bus might call a friend with a theater or television background. There he was on the last night of the GOP soiree with another big green screen behind him! Then, after what I’m sure was a backstage panic when they saw it on TV, they went to blue, much better.  I thought the idea of pushing the podium out into the crowd was to get shots of him speaking with lots for cheering faces in the background. Yet there he was for most of the speech face on to the camera with a flat blue DMV background.