The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: So Long. Penny!

August 29, 2010

Every generation of teen aged and prepubescent boys have their iconic women. For some it was Bo Derek, Farrah Fawcett, or Cheryl Tiegs. Young preteen boys today may swoon for Miranda Cosgrove on “iCarly” or the vocal stylings and videos of Demi Lovato but for guys of a certain age our “it” girl will always be Gloria Winters.

You may remember her better as Sky King’s niece, Penny. A perky all-American blond who was immortalized in song by Jimmy Buffet  in his homage to all things fifties, “Pencil Thin Moustache” She was an the girl next door for millions of American boys. It looked like Penny had the perfect life for someone growing up in small town Kentucky; no parents, not a lot of school and a cool uncle with an airplane who lets her get involved in his adventures.  

Ms. Winters died last week at her home in Southern California. She will always be remembered as the wholesome Penny because Ms. Winters had the good sense to quit acting before she became a failure as an adult actress or fell into alcoholism or drug addiction. From accounts I have read she did exactly what her character Penny would have, got out while the getting was good and lived a normal life.  

Katy Perry may think she is Miss “It” today and she may be but I wonder if any future legend of rock will every write about his unmet desire for her. Besides, I don’t think Ms. Perry has a cool uncle with a plane and Ms. Winters never kissed a girl.


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Paul Waldman Needs a Clue!

August 25, 2010

I was surfing the internet yesterday and came across an article about the current state of political comedy by Paul Waldman. The article “The Joke is on Us” was posted on the far left website “The American Prospect.” The subtitle of the site is “liberal intelligence” which is, of course, an oxymoron. That aside, the premise of Mr. Waldman’s article is that there is a dearth of humor about Barrack Obama. It reminds me of when Nixon was elected New York Times film critic Pauline Kael being shocked because only one person she knew voted for him.

Mr. Waldman further postulates that this lack of Obama material is because he is so cool, so intelligent, and so unflappable that he is immune to being made the butt of any jokes! He actually says, “…our current political leadership isn’t all that funny.”  I assume he includes the Vice President in that statement so apparently he and I hear different Joe Biden sound bites. I strongly doubt he has ever listened to Rush or Glen who daily skewer Obama, Reid and Pelosi. Mr. Waldman, like Ms. Kael suffers from having a limited circle of exposure.

Before I get further into that, let me just say a big “thank you” to Mr. Waldman for reinforcing a concept that I have written about several times: Conservatives have a better sense of humor and are more willing to be self-deprecating than lefties. You see, my fellow right wing nut jobs, in Walden World, Bush, Rush, Palin and anyone else who isn’t hastening the “Marxization” of America is a moron who should be belittled for their obvious lack of intellect. Leftist never do anything foolish. All of thier causes are above mocking.  Let me illustrate: Q. What do you call four feminists at a protest march? A. That’s not funny you chauvinistic, racist right wing moron!

Anyway, Mr. Waldman claims two things that I find absolutely amazing. One is that the lack of “Obama” material the general public is exposed to isn’t the result of the ideology of the “mainstream” comics. He says,

“There was an assumption that since they’re a bunch of liberals, the comedians wouldn’t go after Obama. But if comedy has an Obama problem, it doesn’t have much to do with ideology. The guy is just difficult to mock.”

Can anyone name a major mainstream comic beside Dennis Miller who is conservative? How about a late night talk show host?  Letterman? Leno? Fallon? Kimmel? Mr. Waldman points to Jon Stewart for doing a credible job of taking on Obama.  When Stewart does take a jab at the President it is usually because Obama for not being “progressive” enough! In Waldman World the only thing about Obama that’s funny is that he is such a centrist!

The second is that he doesn’t see any way to mock the President.

“Politicians who make good targets for humor tend to have a personality feature or physical characteristic, like a particular accent or a distinctive set of gestures that are easily identifiable and thus can be exaggerated to make the politician look foolish, because exaggeration is what impressions and satire are built on.”

Alright, you knuckle dragging, mouth breathing right wingers; here is a quick comedy quiz. I know that none of you are as smart as Mr. Waldman, after all he works over at Soros funded Media Matters but let’s see if you can you name a physical trait of Mr. Obama’s we could mock. Anyone say “ears?” Those Dumbo sized, suicide door lookin’ Prince Charles mud flaps. Oh my! I said “mud” in a sentence referring to the President, that’s not funny! I must be a racist! Now let’s turn our attention to personality features. “Arrogance” ring a bell Mr. Waldman? How about stammering when off prompter?  How about being oblivious to the economy while your wife spends millions on a vacation in Spain? How about trying to convince the American public that the cost of two first class tickets covers the cost of that vacation? In comedy this type of humor is known as “true story,”  just the fact as they happened are funny.

Finally, Mr. Waldman asks,

“But what’s the joke about Obama?”

With the help of a few comic friends I will give Mr. Waldman some samples which I am sure he won’t find funny.  Feel free to add your own in the comments!  

“What is the difference between Osama Bin Laden and Barack Hussein Obama?  One is an anti-capitalist who hates America and wants to destroy Israel, and the other is hiding in Afghanistan.” Mark Klein

“All during his campaign, Obama’s claim to fame was that he was a community organizer on the South Side of Chicago. I was just on the South Side of Chicago – it ain’t too organized.”  Drew Hastings

“The new Obama economy game show: “American Idle”.   Sam Griesbaum

He is called “Vice President Biden” because the phrase “hot air balloon” was already taken. Mark Klein

“If we could harness the wind generated by Obama’s ears and mouth we would have energy independence!  Jeff Jena

“People were once comparing him (Obama) to Jesus Christ. On the economy he seems more like Moses; wandering around aimlessly, blaming everything on the Bush.” Tim Slagle

“If you cast a ballot for Barack Obama are you voting Democrat or Demigod?” Gregory Peterson

“Obama inspired class envy: The original green job.”  Sam Griesbaum

Q. Why is Barack Obama running for office as a Democrat?
A. The Communist Party didn’t have enough voters.  Author Unknown.

“In reaction to Iran launching a new missile and starting a nuclear reactor President Obama is going to ratchet up the pressure. This time he is sending them a very strongly worded letter!”  Jeff Jena

Obama puts the “dip” in Diplomacy.  Sam Griesbaum

“Obama would have had an opinion on the gulf oil spill earlier but his prompter was in the shop.” Jeff Jena

 “Pres. Obama announced $118 million in stimulus monies to increase high-speed Internet in Ohio. Presumably, so he can get all the bad news to us faster.”  Drew Hastings

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Farewell to a Kindred Soul and a Cool Shirt!

August 23, 2010

This guy was a guy I would have liked to have known. From his obit I can tell he had a sense of humor and was a member of The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy! Read to the last line!

Here is my favorite new T-shirt!

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: A Recommendation

August 16, 2010

I recieved an e mail from Mr. David J. Theroux, the Founder and President of the Independant Institute. I thought his blog on C.S. Lewis was interesting and worth passing on to the readers of TVRWC.

Though I am still researching The Independant Institute and all they represent I felt the blog on Mr. Lewis worth reading. 

”C. S. Lewis on Mere Liberty and the Evils of Statism, Part 1”

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy The Expendables: Where’s Chuck?

August 13, 2010

Like any other red-blooded, rock ribbed, slightly overweight and out of shape movie loving American man, I am waiting for the Friday release of “The Expendables.”  I am waiting for the body count of the summer to begin with all of my favorite 80’s and 90’s actions stars! I heard they were in there. I went over to IMBD to take a look at any early information about the movie and sure enough there were Stallone and Lundgren. One can only hope that there is some homage to Rocky IV in the movie.

The new tough guys Li and Statham are in the movie along with extreme fighter Randy Couture and fake fighter Steve Austin. There are cameos by Willis and the Democrat Governor of California Schwarzenegger. All the action heroes are there…except my favorite, Chuck Norris!

My favorite Chuck Norris movie is the 1985 cop drama “Code of Silence.” “Delta Force” and “Missing in Action” have better action and more blowing up stuff but they lack something that “Code” had: me! I got my first chance to be in a major film when they shot “Code of Silence” in Chicago. I was cast as an extra and later got to be an uncredited cop in a scene with Mr. Norris. It was an awesome experience for a young comic. He was friendly and personable and chatted between takes with everybody.

The movie is a “Who’s Who” of Chicago actors some of whom have since hit the big time. Dennis Farina, John Mahoney, Lou Damiani and my occasional drinking buddy from back then, character actor tough guy Ron Dean. The movie also features one of the great all time movie bad guys Henry Silva. The plot is simple, a good cop fights the Mafia, Columbian drug runners and the rest of the Chicago police force. Of course, Chuck wins. I hope that didn’t ruin the movie for anyone!

The thing I have always liked about Mr. Norris both then and now was his complete disregard for what “Hollywood” thought of his work. He wasn’t making movies for them he was making movies for me. Since he has “come out” politically I find he has the same attitude about his political detractors.    

So what’s up with that, Sly? Why no cameo for Chuck? As a right wing nut job my first impulse is to think Chuck’s conservatism and support of Mike Huckabee in the 2008 election might have kept him off the cast list. I don’t have any evidence of that but that never stops Hollywood lefties from saying things!

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy : Ashley Judd; She’s Back and Dumber Than Ever!

August 9, 2010


Armed with her Master’s Degree from Harvard, which she earned in less than a year, Ashley Judd is back in public and showing off her smarts. She was recently in Kentucky to protest  a coal company and their mountain top removal mining.

Everybody, please boo loudly at the evil coal company if you love Mother Gaia. Seems environmentalist Ms. Judd has a problem with coal mined by the mountain top removal method. Fair enough! I am sure she came into Kentucky, which she claims as her “home” even though she was born in California and has never maintained a residence there in her adult life, by public transport or maybe by car pool.

While giving a speech at the National Press Club she tried to poke a little fun at the coal mining folks and a golf event by saying, “”I’m not too keen on reinforcing stereotypes about my people, but I don’t know a lot of hillbillies who golf.” Being one of “her people” I would like to tell Ms. Judd that even though she has a phantom degree from U.K. and a quickly earned degree from Harvard, she as we say in the South, “really showed her ass.”  For those of you who might not understand that means Ms. Judd yet again showed her ignorance.

There are a lot of hillbillies who play golf. Kentucky is 19th on the list of states in terms of number of golf courses per 100,000 population. ( with a total of 315 courses ( The PGA tour currently has six players who call Kentucky home: J. B. Holmes, Kenny Perry, John Teater, Russ Cochran, Steve Flesch, and Ted Schulz, three of whom attended Ms. Judd’s alleged alma mater, The University of Kentucky. You think that while attending the school she might have noticed the golf course or heard of the program since she claims to be such a huge fan of UK sports.

That’s just Kentucky! I could add in Tennessee, Georgia, North and South Carolina sine a lot of people consider them to be hillbill-ish but I don’t want to split hairs. That would add in thousands more courses and fifty or sixty more professional players. I’m not too keen on reinforcing stereotypes either but hey we do have a reputation of being ignorant so Ms. Judd fits right in!

As you can imagine the some of the folks at the golf outing were a little miffed! Someone dug out an old picture of Ms. Judd without her clothes on and made a joke about her going topless but not allowing miners to do the same. Hey, I never said it was a good joke. Ms. Judd got a little snippy and broke out some of that fancy Harvard style double speak about how they were belittling her position by exploiting her sexuality. I didn’t really follow it too well as I was distracted by the picture.

I am looking forward to Ms. Judd really making an environmental stand and announcing her husband will be racing this season in a Chevy Volt.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy The Ground Zero Mosque

August 3, 2010


I may be a little off from other conservative voices on the question of an alleged radical Muslim cleric building a mosque near Ground Zero but I say; let ‘um!

I don’t know the exact number of feet away from Ground Zero this mosque would need to be to keep everybody. I don’t know what would qualify this building for “landmark” status. I do know that the idea of locating a Mosque there and opening it on September 11th shows not only rank insensitivity to the victim’s families but open hostility to our way of life. Still, as a free nation it is the things we find most abhorrent that we must protect most diligently.

If this group of Muslims own this property. then I must defend their right to do all that is legal with that property. If they think their actions will somehow raise tolerance for their sect they are sadly mistaken. If they want to be crappy neighbors then I would love to see New York do the same right back at them.

My first suggestion would be for Mayor Bloomberg to zone the area around the mosque for strip clubs and legalized street walking.  Assign policemen of Jewish heritage to answer all calls at the Mosque. Schedule the gay pride parade to circle the block several times, if possible right at prayer hour. Allow as many street vendors as would like them licenses to sell pork sandwiches and “medicinal” marijuana in that area. My final suggestion would be to have the city tear up the side walks around the building and repave them with a nice mixture of Portland Cement and bacon fat.