The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Psychic Predictions 2010

Here it is 2010 and still I have no jet-pack or flying car. Those were the kind of things that I was led to believe would be here by now when I was a little kid. The real problem is that there isn’t one on the horizon either. You know what is in the near future for us? A remake of the Yugo or some other Euro-crap car that doesn’t burn up much dinosaur remains and tops out at a heart stopping 50 or 60 miles per hour.

It is that time of year for me to let my psychic self loose and gaze into the future. Yeah, I know I’m a little late but I promise not to predict anything that has already happened like a lot of your main stream psychics tend to do. Last year Kevin Costner didn’t even have the decency to make a bad film so I was o-fer-09. The only way for my psychic score to go is up!

My Predictions

In 2010 a well-known Hollywood film maker will produce a film that by most Midwestern standards would be called “porno.” It will be hailed as a great step towards artistic freedom and rated “R.”

In the coming year I will not be familiar with the work of anyone who wins a Grammy.

This year General Motors will introduce the “Volt” as the car of the future. It will sell slightly less units than Paris Hilton’s last CD.

Vince Vaughn will star in a movie as an over confident bumbler with a heart of gold who  has a wife or girlfriend that is so far out of his league the movie will be classified in the science fiction genre.

It will be revealed that having a supply of “non-hybrid seeds to plant an acre of nutrient dense food” for your family will do you no good in an extreme crisis unless you also have a tractor, a fuel supply, a water supply, some knowledge of farming, several high powered rifles, lots of ammo, food to last you until harvest time and at least an acre of land to plant.

The price of gold will drop to $450 an ounce. Obama will place the blame on the Bush Administration.

The State of California will go out of business and divide into three smaller states, Upper California to the far north, South California from Orange County to the Mexican border and The People’s Republic of Central California which will go broke again in 2011.

The Chicago Cubs will win the National League pennant and during the World Series be bought by Warren Buffett who donates the team to Haiti.

A record cold spell holds the Midwest and Northeast in its grip for the entire month of February. Obama blames the Bush Administration for its failed weather policy.

Kathy Griffin hosts New Year’s Eve celebration on the new Hustler Channel and is again fired for being too crass. She blames the Bush Administration and the Patriot Act for the “chill wind” blowing through Hollywood.

An Islamic fundamentalist attempts to create a “manmade disaster” by placing a bomb up his backside. The device is detected after he dines at a White Castle before going to the airport. Janet Napolitano orders “inspections” of every passenger on all flights. This job is given to the IRS which is already highly skilled in this type of work.

Keith Olbermann challenges Rush Limbaugh to a charity boxing match but refuses to remove his glasses in the ring and then cries foul when Rush punches a guy wearing glasses.


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