A long time ago a great comic and songwriter Tom Lehrer opined that, “Everything is lewd when correctly viewed.” This has been causing me to look at some of Tiger Woods’ advertisements from a different viewpoint. Maybe it’s that course I took in screenwriting but all of his ads seem to foreshadow his recently revealed hobby.
I was driving down to North Carolina to do a show last week. Just outside of Knoxville, Tennessee I saw several billboards advertising a new golf and real estate development in North Carolina called The Cliffs. It is going to be Tiger Wood’s first golf course design in the United States. The billboards have a picture of Tiger finishing his swing and the text reads, “See what inspired him!” I might consider covering those up for awhile or adding the line, “… to build a golf course here!”
A few days later I was in the Dallas airport and I saw some signs for another one of Tiger’s endorsers, Accenture. The two signs read: “The road to high performance isn’t always paved,” and “Sometimes you fine opportunity where you least expect it!” Come on people, if that isn’t a hint at what he was up to you are dead from the waist down.
Words like “power” and “performance” are all through his commercials. He was always known for his “length” Even his major sponsor Nike constantly urged us to “Just do it!” Now I understand what the “it” was we were supposed to be doing. Now that his sponsors are beginning to run for the exits his management team may want to contact Trojan, Viagra, or Enzyte to replace smiling Bob. He may want to get in touch with the local free clinic or the nearest branch of the CDC for some testing.
I am glad to see that Tiger has at least found the high road in handling this “affair.” One statement to the press, couple of posts on his website and no claiming he’s a “sex addict.” I was not shocked by his behavior. I was disappointed by Mr. Woods but more surprised by the way the media has reacted. It is well known in golf circles that Tiger swears like Sandra Barnhard at a Sarah Palin rally. It is also well known in golf circles that many famous linksters are pretty “handy with the ladies,” as Emo Phillips might say.
I am sorry that I can’t name names because I wouldn’t want to get in any legal hot water but a lot of the guys on the PGA Tour make the NBA stars look like altar boys. The PGA has an image it works hard to preserve that is filled with guys who are as pure as Ivory Soap and John Daly. It is the last sport where the old “gentleman’s agreement” is still observed. If I were a betting man I would be willing to wager dollars against broken golf tees that PGA Tour chronicler John Feinstein has seen but not written about a lot of hanky-panky. He has access to the players and events for his books that might be hindered if he started writing about things the Tour didn’t like. There is a story that when one mega golfer of the last generation, when he read of Wilt Chamberlin’s claim to have romanced 20,000 women said that meant Wilt was finishing second behind him.
While I am not condoning Mr. Woods’ behavior I find it interesting that there aren’t a lot of tour pros saying too much about the whole deal. When the bullets start flying you need to stay low or you may be hit too. Where is the PGA which was quick to condemn and even suspend John Daly for his behavior? Why are they silent? The answer is the same as when they were cleansing the tour of all the clubs that were restricted in any way but left Augusta National and The Masters alone. There is a simple answer to both questions: Money. Tiger is money, big money!