The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Obama in Copenhagen

September 30, 2009

The President went to Denmark to ask the International Olympic Committee if it would like to come to Chicago in 2016 and have a nice Italian beef sandwich. As long as they are coming they might want to bring the Olympic Games with them.

I could get into a discussion of why the President is doing something that should be left to the President of the American Olympic Committee or a minor campaign donor when he has a few other small issues to deal with like Iranian nukes and his crumbling healthcare plan. That however, isn’t the really interesting thing here.

The interesting thing is that the President is trying to take full credit for bringing the games to Chicago. He needs the victory. Mr. Obama, now nine months or about 20 percent into his term has nothing to show for all of his efforts. He has spent almost all of his goodwill and political capital on healthcare and it had blown up in his face like it did in Mrs. Clinton’s. He has failed to deliver on all of his campaign promises. Gitmo is still open, we are in Iraq and Afganistan more deeply than ever, the economy is still stuck in the muck and his transparence promise gets more opaque every day. If Mr. Obama comes back from Denmark with the Olympic Games he claims a small victory and shows that his status in the world community gets things done. If he comes back with nothing he looks like he is weaker leader than Bud Selig.

The thing the President does not need is another failure. He is not coming back from Copenhagen empty handed. So he does what Chicago politicians do best, the fix is in! It is a done deal! No self respecting Harvard lawyer and Windy City vote getter would walk into a courtroom or city election without knowing what was up. The payoffs have been made and the President’s bagwoman, Oprah, is along for the ride. Don’t be too shocked when Harpo Productions gets a big hunk of the broadcasting rights.

The Olympics are coming to Chicago or the Obama’s can start looking for a house in Evanston.


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Obama Announces Apology Tour to Continue

September 25, 2009

 President Obama has made the rehabilitation of the reputation of our country one of his top priorities. He wants to be the Sally Field of the international politics and know that other nations like us! They really, really like us. To achieve that end he has apologized for just about every action of the Bush Administration and yet at the UN this past week several of the people the President has been trying to win over still seemed a bit distant.

His new BFF Hugo Chavez did give him a nice “smells like hope” compliment but several other still haven’t gotten the message. President of all Iranians, both living and dead in the streets, Ahmadinejad still wants to build a few nukes even though Mr. Obama has told him not to. Colonel Qaddhafi, or Gaddahfi or Khaddafi, or Kaddafy or however you spell it, isn’t onboard the love train either.

This has not deterred President Obama! Moving swiftly he said he will name a new Apology Czar, rumored to be either Jimmy Carter or Maxine Waters and set a schedule for more apologies to settle all past wrongs of the United States. The President is planning a public World Apology Tour for the interventions, imperialism and mistakes the United Sates has made in the past. The President believes that only then will everyone hold hands with us and join in a rousing chorus of “Kumbaya.”

The Tour Stops

November 1st – The President will travel to Berlin, Germany to make amends to the German people for our interference in domestic European politics during the First and Second World Wars. Our nation building efforts were unwarranted and resulted in unforeseen liberty and economic development. The President will recommend the return of Poland and France to German control in reparation.

November 4th – The President will stop in Pyongyang, North Korea to offer our apologies to Kim Jong-il for getting involved in what was basically a civil war. The unintended consequence of this action left half of the Korean people living a comfortable and successful lifestyle while their country stole untold millions of car sales from the Japanese.

November 5th – In Tokyo the President will announce the return of the Philippines and Hawaii to the Japanese for our unwanted interference in Asian-Pacific affairs in the 1940s.

November 11th – Set to coincide with Veteran’s Day celebrations the President will travel to Appomattox, Virginia to apologize to the former Southern states for the Civil War. He will apologize to the south for imposing the morality of the north and imposing their Judeo-Christian view of slavery on Southern plantation owners.

 TBA- Trip to France for apology for taking advantage of them during the Louisiana Purchase. Date for apology to the British for the American Revolution


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: A Break in the Action

September 23, 2009

While all of the America haters get a chance to enjoy bashing us at the U.N. today The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy is stepping away from politics to share a few thoughts on our favorite game.

 

Everything I Every Needed To Know About Life I Learned On A Golf Course.

A few years back some guy claimed he learned everything he need to know while he was still in kindergarten. He probably never got the chance to walk up the eighteenth fairway with his son on a July evening just as the sun was beginning to dip below the horizon. I may be a slow learner, or maybe I wasn’t paying attention quite as well as I should have been in school but I learned everything I needed to know about life on a golf course.

Golf’s teaches us how to be both intensely competitive and absolutely honest. Golf doesn’t build character, it reveals it. Calling your own penalties taught me that personal integrity is more important that winning. Honesty isn’t a part time thing, if you cheat once you’re a cheater forever. A broken reputation is hard to rebuild.

Play it as it lies. Sometimes you hit it perfectly and end up in a divot. Other times you jerk it left and it bounces off a tree and into the fairway.  The “breaks” in life tend to even out in the long run. How you handle those ups and downs says more about you than your score. Fix your ball marks and divots. Rake the bunker. Leave the course better than you found it. If you take care of the environment things will be better for you as well as those that follow.

Never up, never in. Try to finish what you start, falling short only guarantees failure.  

Help your opponent look for his ball when he’s in the weeds. Don’t rejoice in the misery of others or root for them to fail. You may be in the same trouble soon. The sweetest victory is when you beat someone at their best. Don’t walk on another guy’s line. Be aware of where others are and respect their space.

Be ready when it’s your turn. We’re here for a good game not a long game. Wasting someone’s time on the course is rude and shows a lack of respect, it life it’s criminal.

Drive for show, putt for dough. The big hit is impressive but if you always sink eight footers people will soon notice and you will get invited to the best tournaments and golf outings. Good putting is like Mary-Kay cosmetics, it can cover up a lot of ugliness.

Give your best effort on every shot no matter how far behind you might be. When it’s over, know that you have done your best. Nobody wins all the time so when it’s over take off your hat and shake hands with your opponent. If you have won or lost when you say “nice game” when it’s over and mean it!

Be humble in victory and gracious in defeat and if you’re the winner, buy the drinks.


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: A Fan Letter!

September 19, 2009

I am traveling doing shows for a few more days so here is just a little fan letter and my reply I thought you might enjoy.

Jeffrey Jena

I would just like to inform you that your judgement of Russell Brand is what can only be described as jealous and envious dribble. Maybe you Yanks don’t get our English humour as Russell is the funniest person to come out of our glorious country in many a years, he’s was won numerous accolades to prove his great popularity in Great Britain. Next time your comedian talents warrant a VMA presenting role please inform me, God Bless. PS: I think your comedy is relentlessly boring and stale, it’s the same old boring US comedy that makes me want to cringe. Bye Love you xx

 

David

Thanks for reading me on Big Hollywood or my personal blog, wherever you happened to find my essay on Mr. Brand. Maybe you missed the last paragraph where I said I didn’t think that MTV was looking for me, ahh so much for selective reading.

I have been to the British Isles many times and agree with you that it is, or at least at one time was a glorious country. You have a great tradition of conservative politics and liberty stretching from the Magna Carta to Churchill to Thatcher and are the root of our own great system. There is no argument that our country is the greatest and most powerful in the world or need I remind you if it weren’t for meddlesome Americans you would be speaking German.

In fact our country is so great that anyone who finds some small success in your falling toward third world status island nation runs here to, a) avoid the ungodly oppressive system of taxation you have developed to try to prop up your sagging system of social welfare and b) play in the big game and make some real money.

As to Mr. Brand, to you he is a talented genius and to me a worthless twit, that is what is great about both of our countries, we still enjoy the right to our own opinions no matter how stupid other find them. All the best.


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Max Baucus, The Gang of One!

September 17, 2009

Ahh, bipartianship it’s like the dream of utopia, nice but it is never going to happen. Not on the issue of healtcare anyway. Not as long as Progressives/liberals/democrats/socialists or whatever focus group friendly term that are calling themselves this week see it as Conservative caving in to agree with them.

Last week I wrote about how the President’s speech was “green” because it was made from totally recycled ideas. It seems that puppet master Axelrod, the progressives answer to Rove, has passed the ball to Max Baucus. His “compromise bill” is a little more clever than the President’s speech in that he has changed the wording and “badge engineered” some of the recycled concepts under new names.

“Public option” has become “co-op” and “tax” is now a “fee on Cadillac plans.” See,  in the minds of liberals if you think spending the money for quality healthcare for your family is prudent then you have way too much money.

How sad for the Senator that he has not the support of one single member of his gang of six!  He also lacks the support of a gang of 175 million that are becoming tired of the same old stuff from Washington. You know, the stuff that the President promised us he would end.

We could start healthcare reform in this country with two simple ideas, cross state portability and tort reform. I would also notaccept any healthcare legislation that exempts congress from its provisions. In all of the legislation why has there not been one word of tort reform. Follow the money, my friends, follow he money.


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: How Did Russell Brand Get a Green Card?

September 14, 2009

I am sure that Congress has a lot more important things to do right now but when we get around to looking at immigration can we get an investigation into how an alleged comic named Russell Brand got a green card.

I’m no expert on immigration law but I think in order to come here to work you have to demonstrate you have some special skills or talent that no American has. This prevents big multi-national companies can’t bring a bunch of cheap unskilled labor here to take American jobs. For example, let’s say you are a bricklayer and you live in Poland. You may be a good bricklayer but if you want to come to the United States to lay brick you need to go through a long process and show you have some skill that no American bricklayer possesses. Unless you are a person who can sneak across the southern border in which case you are welcome to come and take an American’s job and pick up some free healthcare and education. That’s another issue and I have been ADD-ing pretty badly recently so I need to get back to the topic at hand

Lower Class Twit of the Year

Lower Class Twit of the Year

In Russell Brand’s case we must have run short of mildly retarded undereducated talentless drug addled twits. I know a number of guys who live under bridges and could live for a year on Russell’s VMA salary who are funnier and much more entertaining. My current favorite being a panhandler whose sign reads. “I’m just like Obama, I want change.”

I don’t want anyone to think I am crying sour grapes because I don’t think the MTV Video Music Awards is looking for a 57 year old little known comedian to host their gig. I am just a comic who cares about the state of my art. Having said that, who is it that thinks Russell Brand is anywhere near remotely funny? If you do, can you please tell me what skill or talent he possesses that no American has? By the way, who was ruder, Kanye West or Joe Wilson? Who will have to apologize more?


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Two Photos

September 12, 2009

I am busy watching colege football, going to my brother Paul’s 25th wedding anniversary party and a school function so just enjoy these two photos until Monday

Nice paint job!

Nice paint job!

 

Another

A few concerned Americans visit the capital

A few concerned Americans visit the capital