The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Fat! It’s the New Smoking!

July 28, 2009

As the Most Powerful Community Organizer in the world pushes through his vision for your future health care his minions are hard at work. In items which are appearing all over the press and television fat folks are being blamed for the rise in health care costs. In Obama land, fat is the new smoking! How and what you eat is the next evil behavior to be controlled by law!

Here is the reason; in the future if you do not conform to the health police’s standards you will be denied access to health care. You smokers and drinkers, you fatties and stoners you are a drag on the system. Your behavior is making you cost too much so go to the end of the government rationing line and hope we get to you. You oldsters and people with chronic conditions take a pain pill. You are a bad risk for successful treatment. In fact why don’t you do us all a favor and take the whole bottle of pills and check out!

All you kids born in less than perfect health, best of luck! President Obama has already given his opinion on this when he was back in Illinois! All you gay folks and hemophiliacs with incurable illnesses, those drug cocktails that are keeping you alive are tres expensive! All you folks who are past 60 or 70 your health care plan for transplants and serious surgery is to pray you don’t get sick. You see, the best way to control health care costs is to give health care to as few people as possible! If the government can find some reason to exclude you, it will. Do you think it was hard to deal with your HMO? Try arguing with some government functionary for your kidney transplant. Want a preview? Try to get a little extra service from the post office “civil servant” behind the counter.

Remember way back in September and October when the Candidate Obama was promising you the same health care that Senators and Congressman get? I have yet to hear any of them say, “I can’t wait to get on Obamedicade!”


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Some Questions about Racial Profiling

July 26, 2009

It must be great to be a Harvard professor with a bad attitude and be friend of the President. You might get a cool job in Washington D.C. You can also pop off to a cop and then expect the most powerful community organizer in the world to get your back at his next press conference. If you happen to be an African-American Harvard professor with a bad attitude you can also scream racism and no one left of John McCain will doubt you are wrong.

I also wonder what kind of lawyers they are churning out at Harvard when their most well know alum starts a statement with. “I don’t know all the facts.” and then doesn’t follow that with. “So I have no comment.” Instead he goes on for two paragraphs giving the facts as he was told them by his friend the Harvard professor with a bad attitude and then reaches a conclusion that the police acted, “stupidly.”

What he meant when he said “stupidly” was that the arrest of the friend of the most powerful community organizer in the world was racially motivated. President Obama believes in one of the great myths of progressivism: The police are always wrong and always racists!” Many of our progressive friends believe that anytime a member of a minority is stopped they are innocent and the victims of racial profiling.

What is racial profiling? It seems hard to make the case that you are an oppressed minority when after you mouth off to a cop and get arrested your high powered mouthpiece gets on the blower to the governor who calls the mayor who calls the police chief and gets the charges dropped. Meanwhile you are on the phone to the only automobile executive with access to nuclear weapons asking for him to give you a shout out at the news conference. I wish I had that kind of juice. I can’t beat a speeding ticket in my home town where I know four of the five top guys in the police department and I play golf with the county prosecutor.    

I do know this, from the time I was a very young hillbilly living in rural Kentucky my dad taught me that when you got stopped by anyone with a badge and a gun that you said, “Yes, Sir.” and “No, Sir.”   Especially on a dark country road where there were no witnesses. You did what the cop asked and you never lunged for the glove box. My dad had a rule that worked well for him and I still use; before you make a big deal out of something ask yourself if you let the situation go will you remember it in six months?  

Let’s suppose the cops had acted the way President Obama and other liberals seem to have thought they should in this case but in a slightly different situation. Let’s say that you are at home with your wife and kids. You are in bed sleeping. Meanwhile, someone is using a crowbar to let some fresh air into your home. A neighbor calls the cops and reports the break in. The police respond and find a guy just inside your front door. He tells the cops he lives there and everything is under control. The cops say, “Ok” and walk away. In the morning when you don’t show up at the office they find you and your family dead. Do you wish the cops had done a little profiling?

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Welcome to Obamedy

July 21, 2009

I love being a stand-up comic. I have gotten to travel all over the world. I have met and worked with a number of my idols in the business. I have been my own boss and set my own schedule since I quit my last “real” job way back in 1980. I get to use my God given creative talents to make a living. What’s not to like?

The thing I like most about comedy is that is the last bastion of laissez-faire capitalism in America. There is no minimum wage and no salary cap. On the down side there is no pension plan and no health care. I get no sick days, no paid holidays, no personal days, and there is no family leave. I have to provide for myself and I do it gladly because there are no rules, no government regulations, and no unions.

My fear is that at the rate President Obama is going through the economy it won’t be long before he realizes that there are still a few Americans having some fun and outside his control. He is well on his way to ending the American automobile industry, private banking and nationalizing energy. Over at the Supreme Court we will soon have yet another activist judge who believes that equality of opportunity should yield equality of result and that if it doesn’t then there must be bias in the system.

It’s only a matter of time until the Obama Administration will discover that there is an unregulated business in America and move to bring the comedy industry under control. His first move will be to appoint a Comedy Czar who will be responsible for all regulation joke telling, writing and the hiring and firing of comedians. He will address the inequity in pay issue. Why should Jerry Seinfeld and Kevin James receive more and that I get for doing the same job?

The Comedy Czar will need to address the problem that women are underrepresented in the stand-up profession. Soon, thanks to the enlightened policies of the Obama administration, 51% of all stand-up comics will be women no matter how funny they are. At the same time the Czar may notice that other groups, like Jews and African-American are over represented. The government, backed by the courts will institute programs to assure that many humor challenged groups like Germans and the Sweedish have access to the comedy profession. Why should lack of talent and hard work stop people from their dreams?   

The Comedy Czar will also have to regulate who gets to use what jokes. Is it fair that some comedians are better writers and performers than others? Is it fair that the opening act has no great lines while the headliner has forty? Soon all comedians will pool their jokes for common use.

Thanks to card check there will soon be a National Union of Comedic Performers and all comedians will be doing the same amount of time on a show. They will also be forced to take their breaks at the appointed time. If that falls in the middle of a joke don’t worry, he’ll be back after a quick fifteen minute rest.

The Comedy Czar will control all aspects of stand-up except being funny. That unimportant aspect of the comedy business will be eliminated through careful government planning and regulation.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Law and Order: Jeff Goldblum

July 17, 2009

Readers, The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy is stepping away from politics for a day to talk about it’s favorite television show.


One thing Judge Sotomayor and I have in common is that we liked Perry Mason when we were kids. She said it inspired her to become a lawyer. It made me a crime show addict.

I am a Law and Order junkie. My DVR is set to record all of the Law and Order and Law and Order CI episodes. Special Victims is a distant third but since I’ve met Richard Belzer a few times and he paid me a great compliment on my act once I still enjoy watching that series.

In case you have been living in Tibet with a Yeti for the last eight years I’ll give you a little background on the show. Criminal Intent, producer Dick Wolf’s homage to Sherlock Holmes, is by far the most engaging of the three Law and Order shows. This franchise was carried for the first four years by Vincent D’Onofrio’s Detective Robert Goren and his Dr. Watson, Detective Alex Eames played by Kathryn Erbe.

After four years Mr. D’Onofrio wanted a lighter work schedule and actor Chris Noth as brought in to reprise his Law and Order character, Mike Logan. In addition Annabella Sciorra was added as his partner. It is usually a bad sign for a series when they start bringing in “star” names to bolster and aging series. While Ms. Sciorra is an admirable actress her character never seemed more that a second banana to Detective Logan who was constricted by his Law and Order past.  Episodes of Criminal Intent with Logan often seemed like episodes of the original Law and Order.  Ms. Sciorra lasted only one season, another bad sign. The next season Eric Bogosian replaced series veteran Jamey Sheridan as the captain. Mr. Bogosian, known mostly for his comedic one man shows, seemed an odd choice for a role as a tough big city police officer but his portrayal of Captain Daniel Ross has been outstanding and a boost to the show.

This season I was sure I heard the death knell for Criminal Intent when Jeff Goldblum was hired to replace Chris Noth.  If I were to make a list of my least favorite actors Mr. Goldblum would be right near the top. His laconic and ironic acting style is like chewing tinfoil to me. I watched the first episode featuring him sure I would be able to stop watching my favorite show every other week.

I don’t know who should get credit for the creation of Mr. Goldblum’s character Detective Zach Nichols but it has breathed new life into the Criminal Intent series. While I fully expected to tune in and see him walking through a few paychecks until his next movie role he is amazingly good. His neurotic, troubled yet somehow coping Detective Nichols is a perfect counterpoint to D’Onofrio’s Goren who seems to be on the brink of falling off of a cliff at any second.  I know he probably wasn’t losing any sleep by being on my least favorite actor list but Mr. Goldblum can rest easy because he now has a new fan.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: A Great Laugh…

July 15, 2009


If you want a great laugh read the latest post at IowaHawk.  ( A Wise Latina…) I don’t care what your politics are if you don’t find this a great funny read you, my friend. have lost your funny bone!

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy returns tomorrow with a fresh post!

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Asks for help from the Reagan!

July 14, 2009

Dear Mr. Reagan,

I have a conservative dilemma and I am not sure what to do. When I have questions like this I usually ask myself, “What would Reagan do?” This is a tough one but I know you will have an answer for me.

I need a new car. My 1999 Ford Explorer has been an awesome friend and dependable ride but like my cat who was 16 when he went for the long ride, the Ford is nearing the end of the figurative and literal road. 183,374 miles when I pulled into the driveway tonight and I am not sure how many more she’s got in her. Just between me and you she’s not as fit as she used to be. She’s leaking oil and drinking more than she used to. She has begun to show her age, a few wrinkles and dents.  I have to be honest I’ve been seeing someone younger. She Asian, all shiny and is low maintenance.

Here’s the problem, if I get the car I want and trade in my Explorer I eligible for the new government CARS program. CARS is part of the Obama stimulus/green earth/socialism/behavior modification plan.  In case you aren’t up on it here’s how it works; if you have a gas hog like my SUV and are willing to get into a smaller more “earth friendly” automobile Uncle Barack will kick in $4500 bucks plus you get the scrap value for your “clunker.” “Clunker” is new speak for any vehicle that gets bad gas mileage. You car has to be sent to the crusher so no other unfeeling conservative will be able to buy it and create more global warming. The idea is cars sales go up and greenhouse gases go down.

I didn’t decide to get a smaller and more fuel efficient car because of this program. I already was going to buy this new car. As a good conservative I don’t believe in handouts or welfare. I think the government is spending us into socialism and pushing us towards rampant inflation.

Here is my question Mr. Reagan; should I take the $4500 from the government or should I stand on principle and leave the $4500 kickback on the table?

I know you will give me the right answer.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Jackson. Palin and the Media

July 10, 2009

I have been driving around the Midwest for the last six days with my son playing golf, watching baseball games, visiting old friends and doing a few shows. There are a lot of benefits to this well timed vacation. The weather was perfect and I missed the all of hullabaloo know as the Michael Jackson memorial. I didn’t see a minute of the lead up coverage, the “service,” or the postmortem, no pun intended.

I was listening to evil talk radio in the car and did hear and read a number of reports on the event Depending on whom I was listening to it was a freak show/circus, a fitting memorial or “not as bad as I thought it might be.”

I always thought of Mr. Jackson as a talented singer/dancer/songwriter who had poor impulse control. I thought this was due to the fact that the leeches and toadies who depended on him for money never said one simple word to him: “No!” Apparently I was very wrong! Until I heard and read reports from his memorial I was unaware of his role in our society as everything from a civil rights pioneer to basketball coach. Martin Luther King and Pat Riley take a break the king of pop has got your back. I heard he was quite the philanthropist too although there isn’t a Michael Jackson Foundation he did at one time donate a reported 22 million dollars to a single California family.

The weekend before the deification of Mr. Jackson there was another small media event which got a lot of coverage, the resignation of Sarah Palin. If you still have any doubt that there is a vast left wing media conspiracy in this country all you need to do is look at the coverage of these two people and these events by alleged journalists.

On Tuesday July seventh the Chicago Tribune featured a half page mocking of Ms. Palin by Rob Manker on page three. Page three is usually where one might find the hard news of the day but not in the Trib when there is a conservative to be skewered. Did this paper give the same kind ribbing to Mr. Jackson at any point?    

I use the Chicago Tribune only as an example. The general tone of the reporting of these two events from television to the New York Times was to elevate and rehabilitate the reputation on Mr. Jackson and to denigrate that of Ms. Palin.

The real divide in this country is not political but cultural. As far as I know Michael Jackson was not political. I doubt if he even voted in the last election. The picture of him coming out of the voting booth may have shown up somewhere. He may have voted absentee but I am pretty sure if he had voiced an opinion on the election it would have been reported. Yet the media holds up this man as an icon to be admired. A talented man who lived an extremely degenerate and narcissistic life is not only exonerated but held up and praised.

Sarah Palin, a woman who has served her God, her country, and raised a family is mocked. Why, because she doesn’t fit the stereotype that the media prefers for a successful and powerful women. She is from humble origins and has worked for every thing she has gotten. The real sin of Ms. Palin is that she is not only a conservative but a devout Christian. To the east coast, ivy league, taxi cab progressives allowing morality into government is the greatest stupidity.