The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: The Real Housewife of South Carolina

June 29, 2009

Guys like South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford are killing the Republican Party. You can’t turn up your nose at Bill Clinton and Elliott Spitzer and then make excuses for Mark Sanford.  One of the reasons I usually vote for Republicans is that I like to think they reflect my conservative political and moral values. I like to think that their personal values will be reflected in the way they govern. When your personal life is in the gutter it’s hard to take the moral high ground.  I have to question the judgment of any politician who engages in risky behavior in his personal life. Bad personal life judgment means bad profession judgments.

The Real Housewife of Columbia

The Real Housewife of Columbia

There are a lot of other things in this story that make me question Mark Sanford’s judgment. How can any sane man think that he can jet off to South America for a week and have it go unnoticed? My brother runs a pizza joint and if he shows up fifteen minutes late the place is in chaos. How can a guy who runs a state think he can go off the grid for a week? I have long believed that a secret is only a secret if just one person knows it. How did the Governor’s love e mail get out? Gov. Sanford’s mistress claims her account was hacked. That means someone knew where to look for these love letters.

Here is another problem: Almost no one gets caught the first time they break a rule or a law. I am gonna guess that Governor Stanford has another girlfriend or two in his past. I believe in forgiveness and that people can change but you do that in private and not while you are trying to fend off the liberals who are trying to ruin our country while your ex-mistresses are popping out of the woodwork. Mark Stanford needs to make some apologies and a quick exit from the political stage.

When he turns in his papers I have the perfect person to replace him, his wife Jenny Sanford. She has been reported to be one of his top advisors and has experience in business and government. I also think she gives the other Republican Party hottie, Sarah Palin, a run for her money in the looks department.  Here is what I like most about Jenny Sanford; she was not standing next to her husband when he gave his apology for his Argentine adventure. I have often wondered where these politicians find women who are willing to walk out behind them after they have been treated like doormats. She gave her husband a chance to straighten up when she found out about the affair a few months ago but now she is telling him to go suck eggs. She cares more about herself, her self respect and her values than the power of being First Lady of South Carolina with the possibility of moving up in a few years. If Hillary Clinton had that kind of spine she would be sitting in the big chair right now instead of hoping that she can hang on and get her shot in 2016.


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: A Salute to the Troops

June 25, 2009

Sometimes I sit at my desk and I think about what I do for a living. Some people say comedy is hard but comedy is a byproduct of our society. Everything that we have and everything that we do in America from telling jokes to curing cancer to turning bolts in a factory is the result of a culture in our country that says country is more important than self. From the early revolutionaries to the men and women standing a post in Iraq tonight Americans have always stepped up to do what is necessary to protect our freedoms.

I believe that the average person in America, and I include myself in that number, has become complacent about the liberties with which we are provided. Most of us don’t vote. Most of us don’t pay much attention to what the government is doing. Most of us don’t care that little by little our freedoms, won and protected by the blood of our young man and women are being whittled away. Smoking is banned, but hey, most of us don’t smoke. They kicked an old lady out of her house, but we all got a great new shopping mall. The Government decides that AIG or GM is too big to fail but that’s ok because my insurance or my uncle’s pension was saved. Each time one of our freedoms is chipped away it is an insult to those who have laid down their lives protecting them.   

Over the years I have done a number of shows at military bases. Officers clubs, NCO clubs, for the enlisted guys. I’ve done shows for a few dozen marines at Camp Pendleton and a few thousand airmen at Randolph. At all of those shows I have never been heckled. In every visit to a base I have always been treated with the utmost respect. Every man and woman I met called me “sir.”  The men and women in our military service live in a culture or respect, honor and order. Stories like Abu Ghraib and other war crimes are news because among our military folks they are the rare exception and not the rule. So, if you see a man or woman in uniform on the street or at the airport say “thank you.” If you have the time, buy them a soda or a coffee. The best part is that you’ll feel great and get a bigger thank you than you gave in return.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: What’s in a name? A Senator Needs a Tutorial.

June 22, 2009

In the spirit of full disclosure I have to say that I find pretty much anything Senator Boxer says irratating. However, her recent disrespectful and condescending request to Brigadier General who had respectfully called her Ma’am, to call her Senator made me laugh.  

Generally speaking, I will call someone whatever they want to be called as long as they are willing to return the courtesy. My given name is Jeffrey but you can call me just about any variation of that you want as long as you do it in friendly manner. However  if your name is Charles and you insist on me calling you “Charles” and not “Charlie” or “Chuck” then you will only call me Jeffrey.  If you are a Doctor or a Professor and insist I use your title when addressing you then you must address me as Mister.

I also have a few nicknames and if you know me well enough and long enough you can call me by one of those. My golf buddies can call me any number of names that are not printable here as long as they are also marveling at my shot making ability at the same time. I also try to treat everyone in meet in daily life with respect. I address everyone I do not know with the title “Sir” or “Ma’am.” The cop who pulls me over for speeding or the person who takes my money at the grocery store gets the same treatment.

I recently did a show at a military base where the commanding officer was a woman. I was unsure how to address this much decorated military person so I asked a tough looking guy with a bunch of stripes on his arm to guide me. He told me that “Ma’am” was the proper term of address, just as I would say “Sir” if the commander were a man. Then he added some information for which I had not asked.

“Don’t address her only by her rank.” He said, “That would tell her you think she is a substandard officer.”  In the military it seems that insulting an officer to his or her face isn’t tolerated very well. Military people, being a resourceful bunch, have developed a system for letting an officer know that they don’t think too much of them. They use the term of address which least fulfills the requirement of military respect which is using only the person’s title. 

 Imagine, for example, you are an enlisted man and you are under the command of a Lieutenant Smith. If Lt. Smith is a competent leader you would address him as “Sir”, “LT” or “Lt. Smith.”  If Lt. Smith is an arrogant moron you would always address him simply as “Lieutenant.”

So when General Walsh quickly came back with “Senator” and not “Senator Boxer” I laughed because I knew what he meant; this is a substandard person for whom I have no respect!

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Iranian Recount Part II

June 19, 2009
Check out Bearman's other cartoons at

Check out Bearman's other cartoons at

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: A Limited Recount in Tehran

June 18, 2009

Q. How many young Iranian voters does it take to oust Ahmadinejad?

A. More than they have, apparently!

Remember student council elections in high school. You took it so seriously, as if … Like if you just elected the right person you’d get rock music over the PA in the morning and no final exams. When I look at things like the beauty contest election in Iran for President, an office with about the same amount of  power, I wonder how afraid the puppeteers on the council of twelve high muckity-mucks must be that they won’t allow someone who they had to approve to run for office actually win.

In a statement the Guardian Council said they might be willing to have a limited recount of some ballot boxes. Remind you of anything? That is exactly what the Al Goristas wanted to do in Florida a few years back. Fortunately for us, and yes I mean you Progressives too, we let the lawyers handle it while we had a cookout and a few beers and when it was over we traded snide comments rather than bullets in the streets.

Here is the thing about the election, the Guardian Council and Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, said that Ahmadinejad won 63 % of the vote. I think if you are going to tell a lie you should at least make it a believable lie. Like folks who listened to Wilt Chamberlin claim how many women he had slept with or Clinton saying he smoked but didn’t inhale I think the average Iranian just has a problem thinking his guy got beat that badly. I think the over/ under was only 55%.

Another problem is that the Supreme Leader, (What a great title!), has already said that the election results were a “divine verdict.”  That’s a tough position to back away from when you are not only the political leader of a country but its religious one as well. A Mr. Abbasali Kadkhodai, who is a spokesman for the Guardian Council said there might be some changes to the vote tally. So you see, maybe the current puppet president won by only getting 61%. Our Bad!

The Iranian government has termed the protests “unauthorized gathering” and Janet Napolitano wishes she would have thought of that term before the Tea Parties!

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: An Apology from Dave, Previews and Other Random Thoughts

June 16, 2009

Last night David Letterman ate a little humble pie when conservative pressure on economically hurting CBS forced him to apologize to Governor Palin.  I am of two minds when I hear this apology. The first is to take the high road like the Governor and graciously accept. The second is to look for the wink and the nod to like mined lefties behind the apology that says, “I have to do this to keep my job but you all know what I really think.”

For now I say let it go and let’s find other sacred liberals and their causes to skewer.

That out reach to the “Muslin World” seem to be working well for President Obama. I wonder if he has scheduled his “talks without preconditions” with Iran yet? Meanwhile the other anti-Israel Democrat President , Jimmy Carter,  says that Hamas is no longer a terrorist group. I am sure that the Israelis who are being hit by their rockets are going to be so happy to hear the news!

Meanwhile in Iran the real leader have said that they might be willing to consider a “limited recount” of the voting. Remind you of anything? Back in 2000 that is exactly what Al Gore, the Democrat Party, and the Florida Supreme Court e to do. Before I get any comments from “progressives” who want to whine, can anyone show one recount where Bush did not win Florida?

In the next week I hope to have a collaborative effort with a friend to bring you a couple of cartoons.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Top Ten Reasons It Sucks To Be You, Dave!

June 12, 2009

I have had it with Letterman! I used to defend this guy to all of my friends who liked Leno better. I would say from a comic stand point that Jay was a great comic but Lettermen was more original and had more style and class than Leno. Two recent events have changed my mind: Jay’s classy departure from the “Tonight Show’” and Letterman’s classless left wing attacks on the kids of politicians.

Lost his Comedy Mojo

Lost his Comedy Mojo

A comic needs to be an equal opportunity offender. We can’t pick sides in politics. We can have a point of view and a favorite but being a comic means when our guy drops the ball you have to pick it up and smash it in his face. My friend and political opposite Will Durst said this a few years back about Mort Saul, and I am paraphrasing here, “ You can’t sit down to dinner with the Reagan’s and then pretend you’re still willing to sling mud at them.”

That is what is wrong with comedians like Letterman, Maher, Garofalo and Stewart. They only see one side. Why do none of them at least give love taps to Obama? Why didn’t at least one of them make some comedic hay out of Obama gaffs like “57 states” and a reference to speaking “Austrian?”

So I decided to give Dave a send off with one of his favorite bits, a top ten list. Here are my top ten reasons it sucks to be David Lettermen.

10) In a few years his “baby momma” is going to leave and take half his stuff.

9) 30 year old Alfred E. Newman look-a-like, kind of cute, 60 year old Alfred E. Newman look-a-like, just creepy!

8 )Held onto double breasted suit look longer than Billy Ray Cyrus had his “mullet”.

7) Amount of Botox needed to smooth out face would kill a humpback whale.

6) Wanted to be race car driver but couldn’t find crash helmet big enough to cover ego.

5) By the time his son graduates from college he’ll be dead.

4) Once his stalker got to know him she started following Leno around.

3) Has lower ratings than Glenn Beck

2) Got passed over for Leno, O’Brian, Fallon, Kimmel, Ferguson and Kilburn

1) Three words, “You’re on CBS”