The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: How to Seat a Senator for Minnesota.


 Christmas has past and the season for real political ugliness is on in the great State of Minnesota. As usual when Democrats are narrowly edged by a Republican you can expect whacky recounts and lots of court challenges. As much as I hate to bring up the past, the 2000 election in Florida comes to mind for some reason. You lefties remember that one don’t you? You jumped up and down in a temper tantrum while Al Gore took the election to court and then when the courts finally decided against you we got another temper tantrum and you cried about how could we let the courts decide an election. Let’s just put aside the fact that all recounts have shown that Bush won Florida because why should facts get in the way of a good emotional outburst.

The last time I remember a big election where a Republican was on the short end of a close call was the 1960 Presidential contest where the Chicago mayor stuffed ballots into boxes until JFK carried the state. Chicago corruption, you almost never hear about that anymore. Say what you want about Richard Nixon but rather than tear the country apart he accepted the corruption from Chicago and walked away without once referring to Kennedy as “President Select”.

Now we have a very close race in Minnesota where the original result showed Norm Coleman ahead by around 800 votes. A statistically insignificant number when you consider that over three million votes were cast but because of Minnesota law an automatic recount was started. Then, in what can only be described as a series of miracles during the recount, Al Franken took the lead by a reported 40 to 80 votes. What is left is the fact that this election will never be settled by any reasonable means. Governor Pawlenty could appoint a Senator to take the seat but he would probably name Norm Coleman and the Democrat- Farmer-Labor Party would never stand for that so I would like to modestly propose three ideas to seat the next senator from Minnesota.

The first and most expensive is to have a do-over. The DLF Party would never agree to this because they would get crushed without “He Who Is” on top of the ticket.  The vast majority of Minnesotans who tend to lean further left than Italian socialists don’t want a failed radio host who is less qualified than Carolyn Kennedy to be their Senator.  

The second solution is to do a final and binding recount. Because election boards and Secretaries of State are generally partisan the State could hire an outside accounting firm to count the ballots. They would need to go to Denmark or Bolivia and get a small firm that has no interest in the result. The only drawback to this would be the result might not be determined until 2014.

There is one other way to solve this impasse in the north and that is to use the Star Trek method. In Star Trek, no matter how far into the future we move and no matter how technologically advanced we become you can count on the fact that at some point the fate of the galaxy will come down to a good fist fight. At some point Kirk or Picard will land a haymaker on the jaw of the evil alien and the universe is safe once more.

All we have to do is have Franken and Coleman put on the gloves and get to it. Since this is political it will be no holds barred and the first one to tap out rides off into obscurity and the winner gets his chance to spend the next six years kissing up to Mitch McConnell or Harry Reid. With that in mind I might take a dive.


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