The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: How to Seat a Senator for Minnesota.

December 31, 2008

 

 Christmas has past and the season for real political ugliness is on in the great State of Minnesota. As usual when Democrats are narrowly edged by a Republican you can expect whacky recounts and lots of court challenges. As much as I hate to bring up the past, the 2000 election in Florida comes to mind for some reason. You lefties remember that one don’t you? You jumped up and down in a temper tantrum while Al Gore took the election to court and then when the courts finally decided against you we got another temper tantrum and you cried about how could we let the courts decide an election. Let’s just put aside the fact that all recounts have shown that Bush won Florida because why should facts get in the way of a good emotional outburst.

The last time I remember a big election where a Republican was on the short end of a close call was the 1960 Presidential contest where the Chicago mayor stuffed ballots into boxes until JFK carried the state. Chicago corruption, you almost never hear about that anymore. Say what you want about Richard Nixon but rather than tear the country apart he accepted the corruption from Chicago and walked away without once referring to Kennedy as “President Select”.

Now we have a very close race in Minnesota where the original result showed Norm Coleman ahead by around 800 votes. A statistically insignificant number when you consider that over three million votes were cast but because of Minnesota law an automatic recount was started. Then, in what can only be described as a series of miracles during the recount, Al Franken took the lead by a reported 40 to 80 votes. What is left is the fact that this election will never be settled by any reasonable means. Governor Pawlenty could appoint a Senator to take the seat but he would probably name Norm Coleman and the Democrat- Farmer-Labor Party would never stand for that so I would like to modestly propose three ideas to seat the next senator from Minnesota.

The first and most expensive is to have a do-over. The DLF Party would never agree to this because they would get crushed without “He Who Is” on top of the ticket.  The vast majority of Minnesotans who tend to lean further left than Italian socialists don’t want a failed radio host who is less qualified than Carolyn Kennedy to be their Senator.  

The second solution is to do a final and binding recount. Because election boards and Secretaries of State are generally partisan the State could hire an outside accounting firm to count the ballots. They would need to go to Denmark or Bolivia and get a small firm that has no interest in the result. The only drawback to this would be the result might not be determined until 2014.

There is one other way to solve this impasse in the north and that is to use the Star Trek method. In Star Trek, no matter how far into the future we move and no matter how technologically advanced we become you can count on the fact that at some point the fate of the galaxy will come down to a good fist fight. At some point Kirk or Picard will land a haymaker on the jaw of the evil alien and the universe is safe once more.

All we have to do is have Franken and Coleman put on the gloves and get to it. Since this is political it will be no holds barred and the first one to tap out rides off into obscurity and the winner gets his chance to spend the next six years kissing up to Mitch McConnell or Harry Reid. With that in mind I might take a dive.

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The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Takes a Vacation

December 30, 2008

Thanks for reading the Vast Rght Wing Conspiracy in 2008. Eve conspirators against the socialist empire need a rest and I will return ON NYE with a new blog

Jeffrey Jena


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Psychic Predictions for 2009

December 23, 2008

 

It’s that time of year when all of the supermarket tabloids, Oprah Magazine and The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy get out their crystal balls, pour a cup of tea, cast their lots, watch the flight of hawks, read the bumps on their grandmother’s heads and try to peer into the future. Last year I was “0-fer” so the only way to go is up.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy predicts the following events for 2009.

That within the first six months the Obama Administration will be tested, not by a foreign power or terror group but by a gaff from Joe Biden.

Kevin Costner will appear in a really bad movie.

Ok. I admit those first two were pretty easy but I am just getting warmed up.

My buddy Ron White will enter a rehab facility and at the end of 28 days the entire place will be the place will be named the number one party place in American by Maxim.

The Minnesota senate race will be settled after July fourth by a UFC cage match after the seventh recount shows Coleman and Franken tied.

Warren Buffet, Oprah Winfrey and Bill Gates create a joint company and purchase the State of Montana

 Apple rolls out the new i-vote, a phone, MP-3 player and polling place all in their palm of your hand.

Governor Blagojevich resigns after appointing himself the new Mayor of Rush Street, a post left vacant since the death of Harry Carey who it will be revealed voted for Obama for president in Chicago.

California unveils green energy plan which is based on harnessing all of the wind power produced in Sacramento.

Obama’s brother Charles and his four wives move to the US from Kenya set up a village of huts on White House Lawn.

Bill Clinton is revealed to have had several extramarital affairs in 2008. Ok, that was pretty easy again.

Al Gore declares efforts to stop global warming have been too successful and warns of new period of global cooling. Makes movie called “A Convenient Truth”, starts business to buying back carbon credits he sold last year and wins two medals in Special Olympics.

Rush Limbaugh is assigned a position on NPR after Pelosi Congress passes fairness doctrine. He is never heard from again.

Keith Obermann is injured in accident and half of his brain is removed. His IQ goes up to 76.

Gas falls to $1 a gallon and suddenly a light goes on in Washington when several Democrats and Republicans realize that capitalism works.

GM defaults on loans and the Federal Government repos 3.2 million cars.

 

Barbara Streisand comes out of two closets and is elected to head Log Cabin Republicans.

Cubs win World Series! I have predicted this for the past 45 years and someday I will be right.

 

 

 


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Where is my Global Warming?

December 21, 2008

Dear Readers,
Sorry but I am away doing shows for a few days and not able toput up a proper post. I am glad to be out of flyoverland for a few days as we hunker down to the coldest December in thirty years. Odd how now that the Arctic ice is increasing and even after ten years of dire warnings about rising sea levels that Key West is still there. Strange too that “climate change” has replaced “global warming” as the buzz word of enviroleftists

O’Hare was close and over 600 flights cancled but that was a big uptick for the Illinois economy, it gave Blagojevich a lot more empty seats to sell.
I’ll be back on Wednesday with a full post!


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Barack, Prepare Three Envelopes.

December 18, 2008

 

There is an old joke about a CEO who is being replaced by a newer younger guy. The old CEO had done well for awhile and then fell out of favor. As he meets the new guy coming into the building he tells him there are three envelopes in his desk. When trouble comes the envelopes are there to help him. The new CEO goes along great for a short time and then business goes south. He doesn’t know what to do but then he remembers the three envelopes and opens the first one. In the envelope is a small piece of paper which simple says, “Blame your predecessor.”

That is where Mr. Obama is right now. He can pretty much dump everything that happens for the first year on Bush. Is Economy not coming back despite the greatest period of socialism since the Bolshevik Revolution, its Bush’s fault. Gitmo still open in six months, not to worry that’s Bush’s fault. Not out of Iraq as quickly as you promised Move On and other far left groups, chant after me: Bush, Chaney, Halliburton, Bush, Chaney, Halliburton. No movement towards energy independence, Bush!  Just keep saying it, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush! The press will back your play and the American people are willing to give you some latitude so it will work for awhile.

Then you have to move to the second envelope. The second time the new CEO has to go to the well the paper tells him, “reorganize.”  Because blaming your predecessor only works for a limited time. Soon you have to start making decisions of your own like how do you get your girl Valerie Jarrett a seat in the Senate which actually is just keeping your own seat. Do you ever see Ms. Jarrett ever voting against her BFF Barack’s wishes? Of course that means dipping your hands back into Chicago politics, better bust out the Lava Soap. Get another lackey to stand for Mrs. Clinton’s seat. How about Caroline Kennedy?  Rub your hands together and in your best C. Montgomery Burns voice say, “Excellent!” You have you make some moves to make The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy feel like you are really trying to bring the country together. Make it something superficial like inviting Rick Warren to do a prayer at the inauguration, perfect! Even this angers the lefties because one of the worst kept secrets in politics is that calls from the left for unity are empty rhetoric.  How dare you invite that racist, sexist, homophobic, white, wealthy, male, Christian zealot to our diversity party?  Things are starting to fray and you are not even sworn in yet. Time to reorganize.

Then you actually have to take the wheel. Like most Americans I would love it if in two years I had to sit down and write, “I was wrong” about Obama.  However, he has done nothing as of yet to inspire any confidence that this might happen. Recycled Bush war policy moves. Recycled New Deal economic policies. Recycled Clintonistias for the Cabinet and White House staff. Recycled Chicago style politics with Rhambo.  Recycled leftist social policy with the appointment of Daschle and movement towards socialized medicine.  Even recycled recycling with Gore chiming in on enacting Cap and Trade.  If you liked the mortgage meltdown due to liberal meddling in the banking business you’ll love the economic holocaust that Cap and Trade will bring.

So that brings us to the last envelope, which Mr. Obama may need in four years or less, “Prepare three envelopes.”  


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy; Governor Paterson, I’m looking for a gig and I could use the money.

December 16, 2008

I was laughing like crazy when I saw the video of the greatest Democrat President ever ducking shoes in Bagdad.  It reminded me a lot of my relationship with the first Mrs. Jena. She was a bit disappointed with my exit strategy as well and would sometimes hurl a shoe or an obscenity my way. Let the jokes begin! Hey, Bush has always been good at ducking at press conferences! There are so many things wrong with this picture I don’t know where to start. Who exactly screens these people who get into a presser in Bagdad? Maybe that’s where all of the old airport screeners went. You remember the ones who used to be the TSA before the government socialized that sector of the airline industry.

How does a half drunk angry guy get off not one toss at the President in a war zone but two?  Where was security in the room? Was the Secret Service letting their Iraqi counterparts get in some front line action? It took fifteen seconds for anyone official to take action against this guy and then a guy who looks like he was taking a break from making gyros on Rush Street comes out and grabs the shoe flinger.

It was a nice break from the two other main threads in the media; Blagojevich and the continued deification of Barack Hussein Obama. A new thread was opened yesterday when Caroline Kennedy took her back room campaign to be appointed Senator from New York to the front pages. I just want Governor Paterson to know I am also open to being appointed to the job. Ok, I don’t live in New York but I did for awhile back in the 80’s. Besides being a New Yorker has never been a prerequisite for being a Senator from that state. I have more experience in politics than Ms. Schlossberg. I have actually worked on a campaign a couple of times and I was elected first vice president of student council my senior year in high school. There has been a lot of talk about bringing the country together and reaching across the aisle. Usually when someone from the left says this what they mean is that conservatives should abandon their core beliefs and let liberals have their way.

By appointing me to represent the people of the Empire State Governor Paterson could set a tone for the incoming Obama Administration and send a message to the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy that true change is on the way and show just how serious the Democrats are about bringing the country together. I would promise to be nice to Sen. Schumer and to vote with him at least once in the year. In addition I could use the money. Giving me the Senate gig would keep me off the dole until I reach retirement age and could get another government check from Social Security. I would do everything I could to keep our largest entitlement program solvent since it would be my next source of income.

If Caroline Kennedy really wants to be in the Senate she can afford to go to Illinois and buy a seat like a good Democrat. With the Democrats in charge of everything Blago could name her to the Senate for a prearranged price, the Democrat controlled Senate could accept the appointment and on January 22nd Obama could pardon all of them. If I were in the Senate I would be happy to go along with this in the spirit of bi-partisanship. All I can offer Governor Blagojevich is two packs of Lucky Strike and the desert off my tray for a week.


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Live on the Radio

December 14, 2008

I will be appearing on The Bob and Tom Show Monday morning December 15th. You can check http://www.bobandtom.com for a station in your area