The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy; Translating Obamese

In all the hoopla that has surrounded the current campaign for president an important fact has been lost; Barack Obama is a Harvard lawyer. Why is this important? Lawyers are trained to hide the truth. Trained to parse their words and use vague statements which can later be spun this way and that.

Remember the last Ivy League lawyer who sat in the White House? He had the nation contemplating what the meaning of “is” was. Like all good lawyers Barack Obama speaks a language all his own. As a service to voters I am going to try to translate some of Barack’s statements into plain English.

“…that happened when I was eight years old.”  Translation: I would really rather not try to explain that when I was coming up in Chicago politics I would use anyone I could to try to get ahead. A hateful preacher, an aging terrorist bomber or a political fixer, I didn’t care as long as they could help advance my career.

“We will use public funding for our campaign.” Translation: I had no idea how many donations would be pouring in from interests overseas. We needed to use the law to hide all that cash and bundle it into small donations. Strangely, we also got small donations from some of the same people that ACORN registered to vote like Mickey Mouse, Good News, Yo Mama, Homer Simpson and many more. In addition some super rich folks like George Soros wanted to kick in a lot of dough so we got donations from a lot of his distant three year old relatives.

“…we need to spread that wealth around.”  Translation: Traditionally taxes have been used to pay for the constitutional activities of the government. My plan is to use taxpayer’s money to try some experiments in social engineering. We can use taxation to level the playing field economically. That is expensive so we need to hike up everyone’s taxes; of course I can’t say that until after November fourth.  From each according to his ability, to each according to his need. My pal Karl Marx said that!

“… the middle class will pay the same rate they paid under Ronald Reagan.” Translation: I will do away with the Bush tax cuts and everyone’s taxes will go back up to the rates from when Jimmy Carter was president. When Reagan took office in January, before he could put his tax cut into effect these were the tax rates so technically these were also Reagan’s tax rates.

“… we will look at that.”  Translation: This will never happen.

“I cannot swallow whole the view of Lincoln as the Great Emancipator.”  Translation: We Marxist like to revise history to fit our world view. Lincoln was white and accepting that any white person isn’t racist works against the class envy and racial tension that I try to foment.

“Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. Because it’s only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential.”  Translation: The rich and those that want to be are shallow and deserve to be punished. Anyone who has earned a significant amount of money obviously has no other interests in life and is a selfish pig.  By getting involved with socialism and socialistic policies we can take what we did not earn and give it to those who do not deserve it.

“This is the moment when we must build on the wealth that open markets have created, and share its benefits more equitably” Translation: From each according to his ability, to each according to his need. My pal Karl Marx said that!

“I’ve got two daughters. 9 years old and 6 years old. I am going to teach them first of all about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don’t want them punished with a baby”. Translation: Don’t take responsibility for your actions or behaviors. Babies are not human beings, they are a punishment for sex. Since knowing when life begins is above my pay grade I am not even sure my kids are alive.

“Trade has been a cornerstone of our growth and global development. But we will not be able to sustain this growth if it favors the few, and not the many.” Translation: From each according to his ability, to each according to his need. My pal Karl Marx said that!

“We need somebody who’s got the heart, the empathy, to recognize what it’s like to be a young teenage mom, the empathy to understand what it’s like to be poor or African-American or gay or disabled or old – and that’s the criterion by which I’ll be selecting my judges.” Translation: Knowledge of the constitution is not needed. As long as you have a progressive liberal world view and are willing to try to legislate from the bench you too could become a Justice or Federal Judge. 

“It’s not surprising, then, they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”  Translation: Redneck morons in the Midwest! We need to get these folks in a nice reeducation camp ASAP.

“In the end, that’s what this election is about. Do we participate in a politics of cynicism or a politics of hope?”  Translation:  If you vote for McCain you are a moronic cynic.

 

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3 Responses to The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy; Translating Obamese

  1. […] The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy; Translating Obamese In all the hoopla that has surrounded the current campaign for president an important fact has been lost; Barack Obama is a Harvard lawyer. Why is this important? Lawyers are trained to hide the truth. Trained to parse their words and use vague statements which can later be spun this way and that. Remember the last Ivy League lawyer who sat in the White House? He had the nation contemplating what the meaning of “is” was. Like all good lawyers Barack Obama speaks a language all his own. As a service to voters I am going to try to translate some of Barack’s statements into plain English. “…that happened when I was eight years old.”  Translation: I would really rather not try to explain that when I was coming up in Chicago politics I would use anyone I could to try to get ahead. A hateful preacher, an aging terrorist bomber or a political fixer, I didn’t care as long as they could help advance my career. “We will use public funding for our campaign.” Translation: I had no idea how many donations would be pouring in from interests overseas. We needed to use the law to hide all that cash and bundle […] […]

  2. […] The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy; Translating Obamese In all the hoopla that has surrounded the current campaign for president an important fact has been lost; Barack Obama is a Harvard lawyer. Why is this important? Lawyers are trained to hide the truth. Trained to parse their words and use vague statements which can later be spun this way and that. Remember the last Ivy League lawyer who sat in the White House? He had the nation contemplating what the meaning of “is” was. Like all good lawyers Barack Obama speaks a language all his own. As a service to voters I am going to try to translate some of Barack’s statements into plain English. “…that happened when I was eight years old.”  Translation: I would really rather not try to explain that when I was coming up in Chicago politics I would use anyone I could to try to get ahead. A hateful preacher, an aging terrorist bomber or a political fixer, I didn’t care as long as they could help advance my career. “We will use public funding for our campaign.” Translation: I had no idea how many donations would be pouring in from interests overseas. We needed to use the law to hide all that cash and bundle […] […]

  3. Bearman says:

    Hilarious list. Never liked that reponse that “I was only 8 years old”. Its like saying, If Gacy were alive today, “I was only 8 years old when Gacy was molesting boys and killing but now he is a nice old clown painter. Personally I had never heard of Bill Ayers as the terrorist before this election. He could have kept the same tact. “Look I knew Ayers and was friendly to him but until you (the press) brought it out what he used to be involved in, I never knew. Since then I have cut all ties with him.”

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