The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy; Translating Obamese

October 30, 2008

In all the hoopla that has surrounded the current campaign for president an important fact has been lost; Barack Obama is a Harvard lawyer. Why is this important? Lawyers are trained to hide the truth. Trained to parse their words and use vague statements which can later be spun this way and that.

Remember the last Ivy League lawyer who sat in the White House? He had the nation contemplating what the meaning of “is” was. Like all good lawyers Barack Obama speaks a language all his own. As a service to voters I am going to try to translate some of Barack’s statements into plain English.

“…that happened when I was eight years old.”  Translation: I would really rather not try to explain that when I was coming up in Chicago politics I would use anyone I could to try to get ahead. A hateful preacher, an aging terrorist bomber or a political fixer, I didn’t care as long as they could help advance my career.

“We will use public funding for our campaign.” Translation: I had no idea how many donations would be pouring in from interests overseas. We needed to use the law to hide all that cash and bundle it into small donations. Strangely, we also got small donations from some of the same people that ACORN registered to vote like Mickey Mouse, Good News, Yo Mama, Homer Simpson and many more. In addition some super rich folks like George Soros wanted to kick in a lot of dough so we got donations from a lot of his distant three year old relatives.

“…we need to spread that wealth around.”  Translation: Traditionally taxes have been used to pay for the constitutional activities of the government. My plan is to use taxpayer’s money to try some experiments in social engineering. We can use taxation to level the playing field economically. That is expensive so we need to hike up everyone’s taxes; of course I can’t say that until after November fourth.  From each according to his ability, to each according to his need. My pal Karl Marx said that!

“… the middle class will pay the same rate they paid under Ronald Reagan.” Translation: I will do away with the Bush tax cuts and everyone’s taxes will go back up to the rates from when Jimmy Carter was president. When Reagan took office in January, before he could put his tax cut into effect these were the tax rates so technically these were also Reagan’s tax rates.

“… we will look at that.”  Translation: This will never happen.

“I cannot swallow whole the view of Lincoln as the Great Emancipator.”  Translation: We Marxist like to revise history to fit our world view. Lincoln was white and accepting that any white person isn’t racist works against the class envy and racial tension that I try to foment.

“Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. Because it’s only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential.”  Translation: The rich and those that want to be are shallow and deserve to be punished. Anyone who has earned a significant amount of money obviously has no other interests in life and is a selfish pig.  By getting involved with socialism and socialistic policies we can take what we did not earn and give it to those who do not deserve it.

“This is the moment when we must build on the wealth that open markets have created, and share its benefits more equitably” Translation: From each according to his ability, to each according to his need. My pal Karl Marx said that!

“I’ve got two daughters. 9 years old and 6 years old. I am going to teach them first of all about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don’t want them punished with a baby”. Translation: Don’t take responsibility for your actions or behaviors. Babies are not human beings, they are a punishment for sex. Since knowing when life begins is above my pay grade I am not even sure my kids are alive.

“Trade has been a cornerstone of our growth and global development. But we will not be able to sustain this growth if it favors the few, and not the many.” Translation: From each according to his ability, to each according to his need. My pal Karl Marx said that!

“We need somebody who’s got the heart, the empathy, to recognize what it’s like to be a young teenage mom, the empathy to understand what it’s like to be poor or African-American or gay or disabled or old – and that’s the criterion by which I’ll be selecting my judges.” Translation: Knowledge of the constitution is not needed. As long as you have a progressive liberal world view and are willing to try to legislate from the bench you too could become a Justice or Federal Judge. 

“It’s not surprising, then, they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”  Translation: Redneck morons in the Midwest! We need to get these folks in a nice reeducation camp ASAP.

“In the end, that’s what this election is about. Do we participate in a politics of cynicism or a politics of hope?”  Translation:  If you vote for McCain you are a moronic cynic.



The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy; Caution Leftist, the Fat Lady May Be a Member of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

October 27, 2008

I know all of my leftist friends are in a state of total euphoria. All of the journalists like Chris Mathew, Maureen Dowd, Anderson Cooper, Katie Couric and Keith Obermann have declared Obama the winner of the White House in a landslide. I understand the New York Times has already printed their front page for November fifth. Nancy Pelosi and Barney Frank are busy writing new laws outlawing the Republican Party and getting ready issue federal arrest warrants for Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage. Re-education camps are being readied for the members of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. Hillary is out shopping for a black pant suit to wear under her Supreme Court robe. Oprah is planning a week of special shows each dedicated to one of Barack’s new spending programs. At the end of each program she will pick an audience member to have their wealth redistributed to get things started.    

The Champaign is on ice, the confetti is ready to be thrown and the balloons are ready to be dropped.  Plans for the coronation, I’m sorry, inauguration are being drawn up and the tee shirts are being printed. You are all making your party plans and I know what fun it is and I hate to be a wet blanket but the Fat Lady has not yet agreed to sing.

I know all of you lefties have been IM’ing, texting, e-mailing and blogging each other reinforcing your belief that it’s a done deal.  I know when you drive your Prius to the Organic Food Farmers Market and Hemp Clothing Outlet all you see is Obama 08 stickers and you know it’s going to happen. I am a Cub fan and I was pretty sure I would be watching my beloved Cubs play Tampa Bay tonight but here I am watching the Phillies. So just take a deep breath for a second and imagine a different world than the one you live in. In this world we are unhappy with Bush and his mediocre leadership but not quite ready to become France. We are not crazy in love with our candidate but not quite ready to wipe our collective backside with the Constitution for the sake of change.

I hate to seem petty, to stand on ceremony but some of us out here in Flyoverland want to vote before we let the Big O put his hand on the book. I can’t say I understand how it can be true but from everything I have read there are still ten to twelve percent of the voting public that say they are unsure who they are going to vote for. I may be wrong, those ten percent may go for Obama and I might be crying in my non-alcoholic beer a week from Wednesday but the Fat Lady may just be a card carrying member of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Can We Get Some New Talking Heads?

October 23, 2008

I am going to take a break from the presidential politics and try to reach out to my brothers and sisters across the political aisle. I would like to start a list of the talking heads both left and right that we would like to see banned from all news outlets. I am tired of spin morons who offer only party talking points and no original thought or intellectual honesty. I am tired of non-responsive answers from alleged political experts who don’t even get close to addressing the question from the news reader or program host. I am tired of split screen talk-over matches to see who can yell the loudest. Finally, I am tired of folks whose number one reason for being on these programs seems to be to plug their own show or book.

I know some of you will say I am dreamer and idealist but could we have just an hour somewhere on the idiot box where rational people actually discuss the issues and events of the day?

I will lay down the ground rules and get the list started. I invite you to join in. I will forward the list and your suggestions to the appropriate networks at some future date.

Here are the rules:

1) You cannot ask for someone to be banned for ideological reasons. Let me give you an example; Karl Rove. I know those of you on the left can’t stand this guy, think he is the devil blah blah blah, but his work is pretty good. I have never seen him do a talking point or just be a “homer” for the right. You are welcome to try to prove me wrong

2) You have to keep it non-personal. No banning for being too fat, bald, ugly or anything to do with physical appearance. You may call someone stupid if you can cite examples or give links to video that back up your position.

3) Character counts. Past deeds, associations and other evidence of character defects is fair game.

4) Only “talking heads” on the list. No Keith Doberman or Sean Humidity as they are host types and most appear in the fabulous “Dickopedia” on

I reserve the right to add to the rules or change them at any time. It’s my bat and ball.

My picks for the list:

Pat Buchanan- This has-been is number one with a bullet! He has gone from being a member of the greatest administration of the last fifty years to ranting lunatic is just a few years. I don’t often use the “N” word but this dinosaur is bordering on neo-Nazi.  

Bob Bickel- Is this guy ever sober? Bob, I am ready to take you to a meeting whenever you are ready.  If you asked this guy why the sky is blue his answer would be that because McCain is the third Bush term. For the love of God, Bob, just answer one question.

Dick Morris- The plug machine. That alone should get him on the no-air list but I have a bigger problem with this guy. He is a turncoat. Not that you can’t ever change your mind or point of view but my impression of Morris is that he blabbed about the Clintons for spite and money and like Scott McClellan there is nothing lower than being a rat.

Al Sharpton- How does this guy have any creditability? Riot inciter, serial perjurer and flat out liar. My opinion of Glenn Beck went down by fifty percent for having this criminal on for a full hour not once but twice and never once holding his feet to the fire about past misdeeds.

Ok, it’s your turn to nominate the talking head who makes you reach for the remote.


The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: What is She Thinking?

October 20, 2008

We have all heard the old saw about the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, yet members of the Jewish Community continue to vote almost en masse for anyone with a Democrat “D” behind their name. I did a fund raiser a couple of years ago for the California Jewish Republicans and the running gag for the night was that we should be holding the meeting in a phone booth. Despite the major media bias against politically conservative Jews, known by their code name of “neo-cons”, their numbers are growing as many Jewish-Americans have come to realize the Democrat Party is deserting our only true ally in the Middle East; Israel. I know there are some who think Saudi Arabia is an ally but having the House of Saud for an ally is like having Scott Peterson for your fishing buddy, you better watch your back or you could end up in the bay.

Since the election of Ariel Sharon in 2001 Israel has been moving towards national suicide by allowing pacifism and appeasement to dominate their foreign policy. This has no doubt been influenced by the number of liberal leaning American Reform Jews who have immigrated to the Middle East over the past twenty years. Sharon’s formation of the Kadima party when he broke with Likud marked Israel’s swing towards a liberal policy of land for peace which has encouraged renewed attacks from Hezbollah and Hamas. This policy had been continued by Ehud Olmert until he resigned last month under a cloud of low approval ratings and corruption accusations. It remains to be seen if Israel will continue in this direction under new Kadima leader Tzipi Livni.

Appeasement and continuing to weaken Israel’s security might continue if Comedienne Sarah Silverman’s choice for President gets his way. Silverman is the kind of Jew who will be the demise of the nation of Israel. Not only is she voting her liberalism and hatred of Bush ahead of the interest of the Jewish state but she is urging other to do the same. Ms. Silverman is fronting for a failing effort know as the “Great Schlep” which is urging young Jews on the East Coast to go to Florida and urge their grandparents to vote for Obama. Her grandparents reportedly don’t even live in Florida and I would think at Ms. Silverman’s age it might be her parents who were retired to the Sunshine State, but I digress. I am sure that she thinks her “Great Schlep” is funny and cute and politically correct but her type of short sighted disengagement liberalism is exactly what is driving Israel towards oblivion.

Ms. Silverman is urging Jewish Floridians to vote for Obama despite the fact that recent speeches and writings by major movers in the Democrat Party that should make Jewish voter question their traditional alignment with the left. Outspoken friends of Obama like Jimmy Carter and Jesse Jackson and fringe supporters like Louis Farrakhan have shown various degrees of distain for Israel and yet few Jewish groups or leaders have spoken out against this rising tide of anti-Semitism in leftist American politics. Free speech is a wonderful thing and I certainly support Ms. Silverman’s right to campaign for whomever she wishes but Mr. Obama’s position on Israel has sifted more times than a NASCAR driver. Hopefully her grandparents, wherever they are, can talk some sense into her

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy; Three Joes and the Big O

October 17, 2008

There is nothing like spending 15 hours driving to Northern Michigan and back to give you a chance to do some thinking. I don’t know if you believe in God but I have noticed that no matter how far from civilization you get his radio stations always come in clearly.

I watched the debate on Wednesday and thought, (and I know this will surprise you), McCain did reasonably well. I am not claiming that his campaign is now reading the VRWC blogs but he did all three things I suggested he should and now his poll numbers are rising here in Ohio and other swing states.

Meanwhile, Joe Biden was out there proving his level of intelligence with two stunningly stupid statements. While a lot of folks on the left look down their surgically enhanced noses at Sarah Palin but I am pretty sure she could tell you how many letters are in the word “jobs”. Then Joe “Have I mentioned I grew up in Scranton in the last five minutes?” Biden suggested that his neighborhood was chock-a-block with blue collar worker like plumbers, cops, and firemen. Sen. Biden, who has done well on $160,000 a year, lives in a 6400 square foot lakeside mansion that sits on a four acre lot valued at 3.5 million. I am not a betting man but I might be willing to risk a buck or two that he is the only government worker or tradesman on his block, especially since his house takes up the whole block.

Then there is Joe Wurzelbacher, AKA Joe the Plumber. Here is some poor working stiff who dares ask the anointed one a question and now that the answer to that question is partly responsible for sending his poll numbers down the Obamamaniacs are doing a colonoscopy on Joe. Ok, so this single parent father is working as a plumber without a license to support his son and himself. Yeah, he’s behind in his taxes, which might be the reason he’s wondering if he will pay more. Maybe he is dreaming too big thinking that someday he will buy out the boss and be making 250 large a year, but isn’t that what America is all about?

So, how does the left treat this working class hero? This guy who Obama/Biden claim to be so in touch with and working so hard to help. They set out to make his life a living hell.  In Obama’s Marxist view of the world there is no upward social or economic mobility. For daring to step up and give a point of view that doesn’t fit in with the Progressive mythology he is investigated. For being a working class guy who might have a longer term view of life than his next paycheck he is slapped down and told to remember his place.  That, my Enlightened Progressive friends, is a tactic that would make Big Joe Stalin proud. Hey, Joe Stalin, another Marxist!

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy Live!

October 15, 2008

I’ll be on Monday at 11PM EDT

Sorry but the schedule just changed from tonight

Join in the fun and post debate talk

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: What I Need to Hear Tonight, Part Two

October 15, 2008

Before the last great debate I gave some free advice to John McCain. My father always used to say that free advice is worth what you paid for it and maybe that’s why I was ignored. However I am fairly hardheaded and my thirty years in show business has made me impervious to rejection so I will give it another try.

This is the last round of the title fight and it looks like McCain is behind on all the cards so he needs not only to win this round but at least make an attempt at a knockout punch. He must engage Barack Obama directly as well as the American people. He has to ask direct questions of Obama to throw him off of his game. Toss him a “gotcha” question or two and see how he handles being on the spot. Ask him to answer a direct yes or no question and when he doesn’t answer with a yes or a no ask him if there is anything on which he doesn’t equivocate.

Show some passion and put some ideas out there that don’t involve the Federal Government spending tons of our dough.

Go negative! Yeah I know that all the folks in the Government Owned Media say that going negative is not working but every election since the beginning of time says differently. McCain must use Ayers, Rezko, Farrakhan, and anything else that comes to mind. Bring up the fact that Obama has taken more money from Fannie Mae than anybody except Chris Dodd.  Ask him to give it back to the American people. McCain must not only show what you can do but raise questions about Obama in the minds of the public. Kick some dirt on Bush. We far right wing nut jobs agree with the far lefties that this President has done a horrible job in the past three years. Go after a few Republicans as well as Democrats and hit them all hard. I don’t want to see the Harvard Debating Society; I want to see a good old fashioned, ashtray-in-the-eye bar fight.

As a comic I know that if you finish strong the audience will forget that you limped through the first part of the show. One last thing John, if you want to look presidential try to remember “that one’s” name.