The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: An Invitation to Sandra Bernhard

Writer’s note, Sandra Bernhard recently opened a show at the D.C. Jewish Community Center. If you have a strong stomach follow this link for a little clip of the obscenity laced, anti-Christian, racist and sexist rant



Dear Sandra,

I heard about your new show at the D.C. Jewish Community Center. I am afraid I won’t be able to get to Washington to see it. I am tied up with trying to be less bitter and not cling to my guns and God so tightly like Mr. Obama has encouraged me to do. I am so provincial! It must be awesome to be so advanced like you! I have heard a few clips from your show and have already learned much. First, let me say how impressed I am by your expansive vocabulary! I hope my impressions of your show’s content haven’t been taken out of context. That is really low and I am sure no left leaning person would ever do anything like that.

I have been to New York a few times. It seemed like a nice enough town but maybe I didn’t get a chance to meet the folks you hang out with there.  I will admit I am an unsophisticated hillbilly and don’t know much about the ways of the big city. I want to thank you for helping me know that real women like you feel gang rape is a fitting punishment for political thought you don’t agree with. I want to thank you for opening my eyes to the fact that in your world African-American men are seen as gang rapist. I didn’t know that sophisticated Jewish philosophy in New York considers the New Testament “Goyish crappy shiksa funky bulls***”.  Here in Hicksville we try to respect everyone’s beliefs. How out of date that must seem to you “enlightened progressives”.

Since most of us can’t afford to come to D.C. Maybe you could bring our show out here? Perhaps you could come out here to our little backwash of civilization and educate us. I know being among so many rubes might scare someone of your sophistication but our crime rate is very low. Even with all the guns around our town hardly anyone ever gets shot except when they are breaking into someone’s house at night or trying to hurt another person. I know this seems nuts to someone as advanced as you but we still believe in personal property and the right to life!  We won’t make fun of your looks; there are a lot of people out here who haven’t had cosmetic surgery either. People here try to look for the positive in everyone no matter what they might look like, where they might come from or what they believe. Try not to make fun of what we wear when you are here. A lot of our clothes are out of date. Folks here would like to shop at Bloomingdale’s or Neiman’s but we spend our money stupidly by paying our mortgages, tithing to our churches and synagogues, and buying school supplies for our kids. Don’t worry about being gang raped either, people here don’t do that kind of thing not even as a political re-education tool, not even the Black people.

Your Fan,

Jeffrey Jena



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: