The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy; Barack Does Berlin

July 29, 2008

When Barack Obama was in Europe last week the enlightened progressives of the United States got a rare opportunity to indulge two of their compulsive behaviors at the same time; Europhoria and Obamamania. Fortunately for me I was in Alaska enjoying myself hunting, fishing and looking at glaciers that were supposed to be gone by now according to some. They were still there and seemed to be just as large as they were the last time I was there four years ago but that is just anecdotal information.

Most enlightened progressives suffer from these two insidious diseases. You can check my blog from June 21, 2008 if you want more information on these ailments.

I saw some of the video of Barack in Berlin. The size of the rally was impressive but then the Germans have always been suckers for a free beer and a good speaker. Barack is an awesome speaker. He says some really scary things but he says them so well that I think they just go by some people don’t realize what has been said. I went and read the lyrics the song he sang in Berlin. As a public service to my friends on the left who are in love with the melody but don’t hear the words I thought I might break down a few lines from the speech.

“I know that I don’t look like the Americans who’ve previously spoken in this great city.”

Here is the guy who is supposed to be the post-racial candidate and yet at every opportunity he brings up race. It’s getting close to the John Kerry reminding us he was in Viet Nam rate.

“Look at Berlin, where Germans and Americans learned to work together and trust each other less than three years after facing each other on the field of battle.”

We didn’t learn to work together, we kicked their ass! We bombed and beat them into submission and then we fed and clothed them when the Russians tried to starve them and chase us out of town.

“As we speak, cars in Boston and factories in Beijing are melting the ice caps in the Arctic, shrinking coastlines in the Atlantic, and bringing drought to farms from Kansas to Kenya.”

As I said above there seemed to be plenty of ice in Alaska and it was the middle of July. Anchorage is having its coolest summer in twenty years. The Southern ice cap is as large as it has ever been since records were kept. I know he said “Arctic” but I would hope he isn’t going to be that Clintonian. I think he meant to imply the ice caps are shrinking. I would like Mr. Obama or Mr. Gore to show me exactly where on the Atlantic the coastline is shrinking. I was in Miami recently and Key Biscayne was still there and it is only a few inches above sea level. While I haven’t been to Kenya in awhile the farmers from Kansas to Ohio are having a bumper crop year while corn prices are at an all time high thanks to the brilliant government plan to make food into fuel. Meanwhile the farmers in Iowa have crops that are under a few feet of drought.

While we are on this whole global warming thing can any of you tell me what the optimum temperature for the human race or for the planet might be?  I didn’t think so.

“This is the moment when we must renew the goal of a world without nuclear weapons.”

 Who isn’t for a world without nuclear weapons? It’s probably the same folks who are against clean air and water. I would like to know what Barack is going to do about Iran. Let me tell you how many nukes Barack is going to get rid of if he is elected; zero.  

“This is the moment when we must build on the wealth that open markets have created, and share its benefits more equitably.  Trade has been a cornerstone of our growth and global development.  But we will not be able to sustain this growth if it favors the few, and not the many.” 

“From each according to their ability, to each according to their need” and Workers of all lands unite”, sound familiar?



The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Back From Alaska

July 28, 2008



You take a week off and the world goes nuts!  I’ll get to the media’s Obamathon and “Barrack Does Berlin” later this week. Bush went and reversed an executive order and the price of gas in my area dropped fifty cents in the nine days I was away. I admit I was caught off guard. I figured that this would be a slow time in the campaign and I could sneak off to Alaska for a little hunting and fishing and I wouldn’t miss much. I thought I’d go up join in with a few of my eco-insensitive brothers and have a look at where the new oil wells are going to be, grab a nice polar bear and bald eagle sandwich and be back before the riots and the real mudslinging got into high gear.


I had a good look around up there in the 49th state and here’s what I learned; could stick a few thousand drilling rigs out there on the tundra and I don’t think anyone would notice. Most of the Native Alaskans I spoke with, for you who still think English should be used in an exact manner I mean the people we used to call Eskimos not all people who are really native to Alaska, want more drilling!

“What!” you enlightened progressives say, “That can’t be! Those indigenous peoples love the earth and don’t want to see her despoiled.” Wrong-o my leftist friends, just like all human beings those whale hunting, seal clubbing mukluk wearers want as much oil to flow out of the frozen north as possible. “Why is that?”  You may ask. There is a simple one word answer, money! As much as it may ruin the leftist image of our Native American brothers and sisters they are just as human as the rest of us and the real green that drives the energy debate is not ecology but cash!


Every person in Alaska who has lived there long enough is a stockholder in the state oil business. Not directly, but profits from Big Evil Oil Companies leases are put into the government fund and whatever is left after the politicians skim off their graft is divided up among the eligible residents. Every year they get a check from the government for their share of the business. In 2007 it was $1654. Oil averaged less than $70 dollars a barrel for that year. This year the average has been over $120 so the dividend from the permanent fund should rise quite a bit this year. Imagine that check if the the flow of oil from the frozen north doubled. Now add in a couple of trillion of cubic feet of natural gas. Those kooky Alaskans just completed a big deal with Canada to ship a whole bunch of our natural gas to Canada through a pipeline the Canadians get to build. Can you begin to see why those who will have to live closest to the new oil and gas production are all for it?  This new gas pipeline is going to ship over four billion cubic feet per day. Per day!   


  On top of that there are corporations which are entirely owned by the native tribes and rake in millions more from the leases they grant to Evil Big Oil. Guess what those nutty Eskimos want to do? They want to open Anwar and drill. Think I’m making that up? Here is a quote from Jacob Adams Chief of the Inupiat Eskimos and the president and chairman of something called the Arctic Slope Regional Corporation.

  “It is our experience that carefully regulated oil exploration and development can take place on the private and public lands inside the Coastal Plain study area. We believe the oil industry has made good on its promise to preserve our environment, while providing economic opportunity for our people and energy security for our country.”


 So if the native peoples in Alaska want drilling, and the vast majority of Americans want drilling, and just simple act of the President negating an executive order send gas prices down why aren’t we getting ready to drill.  Six words; Environmental extremist own the Democrat Party.  

Notes From The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy; Warning Explicit Opinions

July 19, 2008


Warning: This may be the most offensive and politically incorrect blog I have ever written. If you are easily offended stop reading now.

On Saturday I went to a fundraiser with my son. It was a good cause and my son was playing in a three-on–three basketball tournament. There was a lot of other stuff going on, kids games, a cornhole tournament, (don’t ask, it’s a mid-western thing) a bake sale, a basket raffle and entertainment. The entertainment was a local “dance team” that did some interpretive dance numbers as a team and as single dancers.

 Here’s where it’s going to get rough so I am warning you for the final time, if you are squeamish stop reading and go get your Oprah Book Club selection.

After watching these poor kids flop around for three of four songs a question came into my mind. When do we start to tell kids that maybe they aren’t good at something? Here is a team of young girls and maybe one or two of them could keep time and knew the routine. Many were out of step, overweight and jammed into unflattering costumes. No wait, I didn’t want to say overweight, I wanted to say fat. Fat teenage girls packed like sausage into ugly costumes. Before you get yourself in an uproar about young girls and body image I don’t think everyone should or has to be slim. I am pretty hefty myself and have been all of my life. I was dressed in Sears Husky’s and have worn the nickname “Tubs” around my hometown from the time I was in fourth grade. I just think there are things that are much crueler than telling a kid to choose another leisure activity. Letting them make fools of themselves in front of their friends comes to mind.  I think we need to teach our kids that when you are obese modeling and dance are probably out as career choices.

Let’s say your kid came to you and said, “Hey I have been watching Ultimate Fighting on TV and I want to try it.” How many times would your child have to hit the deck before you say, “Enough!”  If you’re anything like me the answer is once or less. You would sit that child down and explain why it isn’t a good idea that he let other more talented kids smack him silly. If that didn’t take hold you would fall back on the old dad stand by, “Because I said so.”

Yet, little girls see Hannah Montana or some other Disney preteen crap and hundreds of moms encourage their little darlings to go sing and dance. Forget the fact they have no talent and don’t look good in spandex. I don’t know how this whole thing of everybody gets a trophy, never stop a kid from trying, never say you can’t got started but it has to stop. We have raised a generation that thinks just putting on a uniform makes you an athlete and that just pulling up a leotard makes you dancer. It doesn’t and at some point you aren’t encouraging your child you’re lying to them and enabling their delusion. Kids have to learn there is a difference between showing up and being a champion.

You have to find a balance between encouragement and toughness. If you want to be a winner you have to learn how to beat people and be tough. The truth of life is that in order for there to be winners there have to be losers. If you don’t like being a loser you have two options; work harder or quit. It pains me to think that Vince Lombardi couldn’t get a coaching job today. He would have to go to anger management and all kinds of sensitivity classes.

Yes, my friends I am a troglodyte and a dinosaur but my son will learn the difference between showing up and excellence. It is my hope for him that he becomes a man who knows how to kick butt in athletics and in life when he grows up. Do you know whose butt he will kick? Your wimpy kid’s!

Notes From The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: An open letter to and from Sen. McCain

July 15, 2008

I got this e mail from John McCain today. I almost just hit the delete button but read it and looked at the survey mentioned. It was the typical political stuff.  Directed questions which all meant to show how much you and the party and candidates are in step with your stated views. Since John said my feedback was needed I thought I would go off the page a little and write back to him.


Dear Friend,

I am 100 percent committed to leading our Party to victory in this November’s elections all across the country


As a critical first step in uniting our Party and putting together a winning campaign plan I am asking you to take part in a Victory 2008 critical issues survey. I hope you will help our efforts today by following this link and completing it online.

Your support for RNC VICTORY 2008 and your survey answers are vital to electing Republicans this November.  Your participation will give us a greater understanding of the views of voters in your area.  And it will provide an invaluable up-to-date reading on many of the key issues that will decide the outcome of this momentous election.
The fate of all of our Republican candidates and the fate of our Party in the 2008 election is in the hands of Americans like you.  We cannot succeed without your immediate input.  Please join us in our campaign to make sure America is on the right path by completing your Victory 2008 Critical Issues Survey today.

With warmest regards,


John McCain

P.S. Your participation in the Victory 2008 Survey Project is crucial to getting a better understanding of the views of voters in your area.  I hope you will return your completed Survey to RNC Headquarters today.


Dear Senator McCain,


I am not a Republican, I am a conservative. I usually vote for Republican candidates because they best represent my views. I am 100% committed to not just saying close enough anymore when I cast my vote.


The past eight years have been a bigger disappointment for me than the eight years of Clinton because I expected so much from a President who I thought was a conservative and governed like a liberal. I would like to support you because of your genuine status as an American hero and long family tradition of service to America but your involvement in McCain-Feingold and McCain-Kennedy among other things leaves me leery.


You asked me to fill in a survey which is meant to show support for your positions but I have opted to give you a few things I would like addressed in the general campaign.


I am not interested in reaching across the aisle and getting along with socialist like Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton. I don’t care if their intentions are good or they are noble people. So was Chamberlain.


I am interested in kicking Islamic extremist down a deep dark hole. I am interested in making English our national language. I am interested in voter reforms which assure only citizens vote. I am interested in securing our borders by doing so helping to secure our economic future. I am interested in energy independence even if it means drilling wells in the Rose Garden, my front yard and the middle of the Yosemite Valley. I am interested in returning manufacturing and middle class jobs to the United States from Mexico, China and India. I am interested in the sanctity of human life and think the right to life trumps so called “reproductive rights” which I am having difficulty finding in the Constitution. I am interested in keeping my Second Amendment rights because I realize without the Second Amendment there will soon be no First Amendment.

Finally I am interested in exactly who you are going to appoint to the Supreme Court. I actually don’t give a big horse’s backside who you pick as a running mate. He or she will have little or no effect on my life over the next twenty or thirty years but those Justices will be around for a long time.


So, please name a few names and give me a sign on just a few of these issues so I can leave my clothespin home on Election Day.


Your Fellow Reagan Conservative,


Jeffrey Jena


Notes from The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: The President and his gas problem.

July 12, 2008


I am no economist. I couldn’t tell you the difference between Adam Smith and Paul Craig Roberts. I don’t know if NAFTA was good or bad for most of us but I do know I liked it better when the person at tech support spoke English as their native language. I haven’t balanced my check book since…well to be honest I never have! I have automatic overdraft protection and don’t really worry about if the balance is a few cents off. What I am trying to tell you is that everything I am about to say could be wrong, however being a blow hard far right wing nut job I never let being wrong stop me from spouting off.  Anyway, I don’t think the president has any great effect on the price of gas. Come to think of it I don’t think the president has much immediate effect on the economy at all.

 I know politicians both right and left like to make you think they are in control of everything when things are good. However let the inflation numbers rise, unemployment creep up or a bunch of deadbeats stop paying their mortgages and watch ‘um run for cover. I believe Jimmy Carter, and I am about to make my conservative friends go nuts here, got a bad rap for the economy when he was busy screwing up the country. He had plenty of faults but I guarantee if he would have kicked some Iranian ass and brought the hostages home Ronald Reagan would be a historical footnote. As much as I like Ronald Reagan I don’t think he was any economic gawd and Bill Clinton did just about everything an economist would say would kill growth and yet the stock market skyrocketed.

I know the conventional wisdom is that people vote their pocketbooks but I don’t have a pocketbook. I’m not even sure what a pocketbook is. I have an Elvis wallet and an ATM card and they both would rather have secure borders and a strong military than positive economic data.

Here’s my point, and I do have one. I am tired of hearing about how Bush is an oilman and he is helping all is oilman buddies.  Oil companies don’t own the oil. Most of the oil we are now using is owned by the Saudis, Iran, and Venezuela. My, what a lovely bunch of trading partners! I think I would rather be late with my payment to my loan shark/bookie whose family is in the olive oil business than deal with any of those folks. Just in case you haven’t figured this out yet, the Saudis are not in love with us. Having the Saudis for an ally is like having Scott Peterson for your fishing buddy. You do not want to turn your back for too long.

I know a there are a lot of conspiracy theories bouncing around about why the price of oil has shot through the roof. There are the Bilderberg kooks who think power mongers like the Duchess of Mallorca and the ex-mayor of Amsterdam are pulling the strings of an international cabal. Then there is another group who think the Bushes are hooked up with the house of Saud, of course they would have to have the permission of the Duchess to do anything.  Then there are the ultra-green folks who think the whole thing is just a scam to drill in Alaska and off shore in California and Florida.  I actually wouldn’t mind if Exxon came and drilled a well in my yard. It would mean we were closer to thumbing our noses at a whole bunch of folk and a lot less yard work for me.

I really don’t mind paying four bucks for gas. Sure, I would rather be paying a buck thirty but I would also like to be paying less than sixty percent of my income to one arm of the government or another and that is something the president could have an immediate effect on.  



Notes from the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy; John Kerry, A Friend Through Thick and Thick.

July 7, 2008

Ok, I know you all of you progressives hate Bush but when you look at what a turd John Kerry continues to be you have to, deep in your heart of hearts, in your intellectual honesty, when you lay your head down on the pillow at night and offer up your prayers to Gaia, Vishnu or to random chance in the case of you atheists, know its best that we sent him back to Massachusetts where things are already so whacked that he couldn’t do too much more damage. 

It’s one thing to say you have changed your mind about someone but when you asked a man to be the vice president and then say he isn’t worthy to be president it makes you look, what’s the right word, moronic. That is just what John Kerry did this week end on the national airwaves. I was just waiting for him to say something like, “I would have voted for him to be Vice President right before I didn’t vote for him for President.” 

I know John Kerry served in Viet Nam, he used to remind us every fifteen minutes, but when he was in the military he failed to learn one of the most basic things that bond soldiers together both on and off of the field of battle and that is this; “ I’ve got your back!”

Would it have been awful for John Kerry or Barack Obama if Kerry would have said something like:

    “I once considered asking John McCain serve as my Vice Presidential candidate. He is a great American hero and a fine Senator. I cannot, however, support him for president because I believe he has turned away from the ideals that gave him his reputation for being a maverick. In my opinion he has turned so far right to appease his party’s base that I hardly recognize him politically.  I have already given my endorsement and my whole hearted support to Barack Obama.”

John Kerry would never say anything like for two reasons. First, nobody would have taken any notice of his words.  I am no psychologist but Kerry strikes me as one of those guys who thinks it’s a slow news day if his name isn’t in the headlines.  

Second, since that statement has style and class it is beyond John Kerry’s ability to utter it or anything like it. Even thought Kerry has managed to marry into huge amounts of money twice he hasn’t been able to find any class nor buy any style. After hearing him dish on John McCain this Sunday is it any wonder that the swift boat vets turned on him?  I can’t help but think there is some vet somewhere who wonders why he didn’t give Kerry a good smack in the kisser when he had the chance. I don’t know John Kerry. He may be the nicest guy you would ever want to meet but I doubt it. He just seems like a bit of a wet blanket. He’s the guy who was always trying too hard to fit in. You didn’t want to be rude to him but when he finally went home the party kicked into high gear.


THe Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: You won’t like me when I’m angry!

July 3, 2008

I am steaming mad at a whole bunch of things and I don’t know what or who to be maddest with. I know a lot of you on the left feel that the expression “angry right winger” is redundant, but I am usually pretty much a live and let live guy. I believe one of the greatest things about our country is that we have the right to be as stupid as we want to be so long as your being stupid doesn’t infringe on my desire to leave you behind like a hitchhiker with BO. You want to be a vegan, great! If you can get enough of your aging hippie friends to do the same the price of my Triple Whopper will soon be going down. You want to drive an underpowered hybrid car, outstanding! If you and the global warming, going green, save the planet set can get enough fellow travelers to start travelling in some low carbon footprint way soon the price of my 93 octane will soon be lower that Marlboros at my local gas station/mini rip off mart. Every once in awhile, however, there are things that just make me want to go Howard Beale and start screaming out a window even though I live out in the country and no one would hear me.

First up we have a boneheaded singer from Denver who decided to rewrite the National Anthem. In case you didn’t hear the Mayor of Denver John Hickenlooper (You thought Huckabee was a hard name to get on an election yard sign?) invited a local chirp named Rene Marie to sing the National Anthem before his “State of the City” address. I realize that she is a member of the “Me” generation and believes her “feelings” are more important than anybody else’s but if the chip on your shoulder or your artistic integrity doesn’t allow you to sing the National Anthem as written  turn down the offer.  Of course if she had done the right thing and turned the mayor down this backwards mullet wearing hack wouldn’t have had her fifteen minutes on CNN to flog her i-tunes downloads to other boneheads.

There are a lot of other little things in the story that bother me like why does every petty official feel like they have make a big production on giving their job performance report. State of the City address, State of the State address, State of the County address, Start of the …enough already! Just write your little report and file in under egomaniacal, tax wasting, keep my face in front of the voting public crap.

Finally, why didn’t someone stop this woman and say something like, “Excuse me, perhaps you’ve had an aneurysm but those are not the words to the National Anthem. If you would like we could have some second graders who were not educated in a public school come in and sing it for you.” Maybe the people of Denver are too polite to have interrupted.  Maybe since these were mostly people feeding from the public trough they didn’t want to be accuses of being racially insensitive. Maybe they thought Alan Funt or Aston Kutcher was going to come out from behind a plant and tell them they were on a hidden camera show and they didn’t want to look uncool.

Second, I am steamed at President Bush for letting that little twit from North Korea make him look like more of a fool that he has been recently. I know the one thing the VRWC and progressives can agree on is that Bush has been a very disappointing president. When you take the world stage to say that you are convinced the North Koreans are giving up their nuclear aspirations because they are going to implode one old cooling tower you reach a whole new level of stupid.

Finally we have retired General Wesley Clark trying to smack down John McCain’s military service. There are a lot of things you can find wrong with John McCain but please stay away from his military service. Yes, there are some sacred cows and I think spending more time in a prison camp than Barcak Obama has spent in the Senate is one of them.   

I think Struther Martin said it best when he was playing the mine operator in “Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid”, “Morons, I am surrounded by morons.” Ok I’m feeling better now.