Notes From The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy; The Court goes 1 for 3

June 28, 2008


If the Supreme Court of the United States of America was a baseball player it would be doing great!  Batting .333 would put you in the several million a year salary range. As an institution of our government that influences the lives of millions of human beings it stinks. In three recent decisions it swung atmand missed  two softball right down the middle. On the third it got it right by one vote! One vote from a guy who sways in the wind like a macramé wind chime is all that kept the second most important amendment to the Constitution from being gutted.

Here is the box score:

                          ab   h   r   bi    avg.

Ginsberg         3     0   0   0    .127

Alito                 3     3   2   3    .995

Thomas           3     3    0   1   1.000

Roberts           3     3    1   0    .765

Kennedy          3     1   0   1    .223

Scalia               3     3    1   1    .995

Souter             3      0    0    0  .127

Stevens           3      0   0    0   .223

Breyer             3      0   0   0    .127


The first one the court swung and missed on was when Justice Kennedy decided to give the protection of the US criminal justice system to those captured in battle. Exactly where does the protection of our legal system end?  Would he have given criminal status to German POWs who were brought to the US during World War II?  What if the jihadist had been wearing uniforms? Maybe scraggly Capri pants, dirty shirts, a headscarf and a beard is their uniform. I know that you enlightened progressives think that putting enemy combatants in jail is torture but since you also think keeping a ball away from a kid on the playground is bullying and whistling at a woman is sexual harassment your attitude is understandable.

What this decision says is that if we capture someone we really don’t like overseas, do not keep them in US custody.  Give them to a friendly country that isn’t so worried about little details like human rights. That would allow our CIA guys to watch their guys question them once in awhile. Nod, nod wink, wink say no more. You want to make sure that torture does not occur, that’s not the way to do it.

The second strike was when the Justice Kennedy thought that child rapists deserved three squares and a cable TV for as long as they could keep sucking air.  I won’t bore you with my thoughts on capital punishment except to say that if I were running things you wouldn’t be cutting me off in the Wal-Mart parking lot.  I think it would be grand to put these child rapists into a cell with captured jihadists to see if they gave the same rights to child molesters that they will now receive.  

Then Justice Kennedy stroked a walk off home run over the centerfield fence. He stood up for the original intent of the second amendment.  This was the most important decision of the three. You want the US to kiss the backside of jihadist and child rapists, I don’t like it but I can live with it. You want to take my God given right to protect myself, my family and my property then we have a problem

What really amazes me is how stupid this law was to begin with. Here is the deal; back in the seventies someone in the District of Columbia noticed that there was a lot of violent gun crime. The thought was that if they told criminals it was illegal to have guns this crime would stop. Some thirty years later after no drop in the crime rate you might think that some genius in the government would come across the thought that it wasn’t working.

I know a lot of you enlighten progressives out there hate guns but none of you have the courage of your convictions. If you hate guns why not let people know?  Put a sign in your front yard next to your Obama placard that says, “I hate guns and I don’t keep any in this house!”  That would make it easy on both gun owners and criminals.  



Notes From The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Weenie Nation

June 26, 2008


I am going to pull an Obama and preempt anyone who might call me insensitive by saying up front that I am not insensitive and anyone who calls me names for this blog is really the insensitive one. I am trying to do a service to young men here!

I am concerned about the future of America. It’s not the Islamic extremists, the oil crisis, illegal immigration, the mortgage meltdown or even the impending election of a Socialist/Marxist to the presidency that has me concerned, it’s the weenieization of American men that has me worried.

I think it started with Marlo Thomas and her “Free to Be, You and Me” album back in 1972. It encouraged boys to cry and play with dolls.  It wasn’t long until guys were wearing earrings and frosting their hair. It’s been all downhill since then. Men were encouraged to get in touch with their feminine side and as a result we have weenie-men like Jay Mohr and Leonardo DiCaprio playing tough guys in movies and on TV.   

Little by little we lower the testosterone level of America and so we get used to seeing guys who wear makeup that aren’t in drag shows and men holding purses that aren’t waiting for their wives to come out of the changing room at a department store.

What has me concerned now is an article that showed up as filler in my local paper. I live in a small town where political correctness isn’t real big. You show up for a golf game in a pink shirt you better be pretty quick with a comeback and have a strong sense of self esteem.  You show up for a tee time in a pink polo carrying a man-purse you should be ready for some ribbing. Not that wearing pink makes you less of a man but if you want to be different be ready to stand your ground. Let’s be honest here who would you rather hang out with the very manly Tiger Woods or foppish Ian Poulter.

So the article has this headline which screams out “Younger bullies becoming a concern”. I have a young son so I read on. I expect to hear tales about stolen lunch money, wedgies, swirlies and black eyes. Nope, not there, the article focuses on two young kids (the boy is 11), their mom and advice from an “anti-bullying” expert named Kevorkian.  Can you say “ironic”?

The big problem for this young boy;  “He loves sports but is small for his age and often struggles for equal time during playground baseball and basketball games…” The real problem is that this kid probably doesn’t have a full time dad in his life to take him in the front yard and show him how to crows hop to throw the ball harder or give him a few lessons in how to lay into someone to kick a little ass on the court.  

There is another possibility that is hard for moms to face; maybe this kid, while he may love baseball and basketball, sucks. Maybe instead of crying about not getting his turn he should be setting the spread and booking bets.  My son has a couple of friends who are also small for their age but they are good athletes and don’t have any trouble getting their time on the playground because they demand it. They don’t run to the teacher crying about how they aren’t getting a turn.

I think one of the most important things you can teach a kid is that life isn’t fair. The only thing I have ever found that is fair is baggage claim. I don’t know when we got this idea in America that everyone can be good at everything or that you should get a trophy just for trying. I know this may sound harsh but here is my advice for this and every other boy who feels bullied for being excluded on the playground, grow a set, toughen up, work on our game or learn to play clarinet and be ready for band camp in high school.   


Notes From The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

June 24, 2008

I am taking a break from my usual ranting to pay tribute to one of my comedy heroes and influences George Carlin who passed away on Sunday

When I was in college I could recite two comedy albums word for word, Firesign Theater’s “ How Can You Be in Two Places At Once When You’re not Anywhere at All” and George Carlin’s “AM and FM”.  Besides my father, these two LP’s which were my early influences in comedy. Sure, I had heard Lenny and Cosby but I could do Carlin by heart. I could do the voice and the inflections. When I first started doing stand up in the late seventies I was doing my own stuff but still doing George’s voice and mannerisms on stage.

In the mid eighties I was living in Chicago and was friends with Jimmy Wiggins. You may know the Wig if you are a fan of “Last Comic Standing”, he was the older guy who got screwed out of a place in the house in Vegas and caused several of the celebrity judges to walk out.  Back in the eighties he opened a comedy room in Palatine, Illinois called Dirty Nellie’s. Since Jimmy was a old friend of Carlin’s, George had agreed to come in open the club. At the Saturday night late show Wig invited all the local guys to come to the show and we got to hang a little with the man after. I had met and worked with a number of guys who later became huge stars but no one who was already a legend like Carlin. I was truly star struck.  He talked comedy for some time and was a gentleman to all.

Several years later I was breaking into the LA scene and doing a little room in West LA called Igby’s.  George came in with Pat McCormick and their wives.  After my set I was in the back of the room when I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Carlin. He said, “Nice set, very funny and a little angry, just like I like my comedy.” He turned and went back to his seat.  For weeks I annoyed my friends letting them know that I was one of Carlin’s favorites!

I knew his history in the business. He stated in radio as a DJ and later paired up on air with Jack Burns. They become the team Burns and Carlin. George and Jack go their separate ways in Chicago in the late sixties. Jack Burns went on to Second City where he met his later partner Avery Shriver. Carlin did his first solo at the Gate of Horn in Chicago and then went to New York and had success on Mike Douglas, Merv Griffin and other TV shows as an off-beat but fairly straight act. I have a bootleg of a corporate show he did years ago. He did Al Sleet the hippy-dippy weather man and Al Pouch the hippy-dippy mailman. Carlin dropped out of sight for awhile in the late sixties after he was fired from a hotel in Vegas which inspires the bit “Shoot” and later evolves into the iconic “Seven Words”. He gets sick and grows his hair and beard in the hospital and re-emerges as a counter culture comic. With his new look he appeared on “The Tonight Show” and did his “The Hair Poem”.  In 1972   he won the Grammy for “Am and FM”, released “Class Clown” which became the biggest selling comedy album up to that time.

I was always a fan. Even when he got older and I thought the “angry guy” thing really didn’t work for him anymore I still respected his work ethic and prolific output.  He, more that anyone, inspired the comedy boom of the eighties.

Even though we could not have been further apart politically we both cherished one thing, The First Amendment. I think I am going over to my shelf, pull my vinyl copy of “ Class Clown” out of the sleeve and put it on my turntable and listen to that soft hiss while George does the seven words.


Notes from The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Obamamaina replaces Europhoria as Favorite Progressive High.

June 21, 2008


It was announced today that Obamamaina has officially replaced Europhoria as the favorite new high of the far left. Until recently progressives in the United States preferred mentioning things European when they needed a lift. For example, if you were considering buying a new car they would tell you all about their Saab or BMW.  A lot of their sentences would start, “You know, in Europe…”

New polling shows that the majority of progressives have recently switched to mentioning Obama when they wanted to put down something typically American like private property, free enterprise, or personal responsibility or if they are trying to feel superior to some Vast Right Wing Conspiracy member. Many of the sentences you hear in conversations with Progressives now begin with, “When Obama is president…”

In a recent column Maureen Dowd indulged herself in both Europhoria and Obamamania when she related to her readers how the Parisians have already elected Obama in their hearts. Her implication is that the people of Paris can predict the outcome of elections and since they are Europeans they must be more avant that you stupid Americans also indulging herself in the first and most basic of all Progressive Myths; You are stupid. This is some strange logic since the French recently elected their own right winger Nicolas Sarkozy when the popular press in American had assured all of us that Socialist Segolene Royal was a shoe in.    

I understand Obamamaina. Back in 1972 I went to see George McGovern speak three times and he was nowhere near the spellbinder Barack is. That man can read a David Axelrod speech like nobody’s business. So why isn’t David Axelrod running for president? That’s a whole different conspiracy theory.

Anyway, I thought South Dakota George was gonna change the whole shooting match. Back then the Republicans had the White House with Nixon at the wheel and since they were in charge and I didn’t like what was happening I thought I was a Democrat. I thought that there was some deep difference between the parties but what I didn’t see was that all political parties are only interested in one thing, getting elected and taking down the ensuing graft. It is the only way you can explain why they are willing to spend two hundred million on a job that pays four hundred thousand. It is this kind of genius economic thinking that helps to explain how we get six trillion dollars in the hole.

Back then all I wanted the Government out of my life as much as possible, to have the freedom to live as I saw fit as long as I didn’t infringe on anybody else’s right to do the same, and to keep as much of what was mine as I could. That hasn’t changed.

So I understand the passion for “change”.  I want change. Who doesn’t? It’s like asking who wants clean air, it’s a no brainer. My problem is I have been waiting for someone to make some real change in Washington since Jimmy Carter. Ronald Reagan made a run at it but his advances were negated by the two Presidents Bush and one Clinton.

So what changes will Barack the Magnificent bring? Windfall profit taxes on oil companies. That worked so well for Carter. Most of you are probably too young to remember the oil shortages of the seventies and Jimmy doing his impression of Mr. Rogers by wearing a sweater on his Speech to the nation and encouraging us to do the same to save energy. I can’t wait to see Barack in his sweater.

Notes from The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Socialized Medicine

June 19, 2008


We have all heard the mantra of the enlightened progressives; free and equal health care for all. Is that the big change Obama is bringing? Giving a Dr. Frankenstein jolt of electricity to the failed policies of Hillary Clinton from the early 90’s? Why not, I mean after all he is employing a lot of the same old hacks the Clinton used to employ and now have on their enemies list. I know what Obama has said, that there is no reason the same package that covers congress shouldn’t be available for the general population.

Well friends, it ain’t gonna happen. At no time in the future will you or I get free healthcare equal to what your local congressman gets.

At no point will you get that or anything near the same health care Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins get from their exclusive club called the Screen Actors Guild.  SAG refuses to allow their peon low income members access to the same health care system the big boys and girls get. You see, if SAG gave access to its healthcare to all its members it would cost so much that the union would have to get a ton more cash from its big earners. As much as the Clooney’s and the Penn’s of Hollywood pay lip service to helping the little guy they really don’t give a big rat’s backside when it comes to reaching into their own pockets in anything other than a superficial way.

 Let’s take Obama’s proposal to increase the income tax on the top one percent of earners to almost fifty percent of the earnings plus and extra point or two on money over $250,000 for the social security system. If SAG did the same to its top earners, took fifty percent of all salaries over one million dollars (the Obama government would do it for all earners over $250,000) to provide health care for all SAG members I am sure Robert Redford and Sharon Stone could get by on the four or five million a movie they have left over. Even after the government took their fifty percent of the fifty percent they had left over they could still live a pretty cushy life. But since the actor’s union is run by the same fat cats who would have to pony up under this scheme the chances of it happening are about the same as Obama picking Clarence Thomas as his running mate.

Here is the other thing that a lot of my progressive friends don’t see. Let’s put this one under the law of unintended consequences. Most of the progressives I know rail against tax breaks for corporations. If the Government nationalizes the healthcare system it would be the largest piece of corporate welfare ever given. If Uncle Sugar is going to cover you why should your employer, union or pension plan continue to pay?

In my act I have often said that anyone who wants the government to run the healthcare system has not spent enough time at the DMV. At least with the DMV you can make choices to avoid the government, you can ride the bus or a bike. Maybe that’s why the DMV is so gawd awful to force us to go green. With healthcare you got no choice, at some point you have to go to the doctor and then Big Brother has you. The government taking over the health care system would be a blunder almost as grand as George and Dick’s Excellent Iraq Adventure and in the long run it would be about 1000 times as expensive.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy; Takes a break for golf!

June 15, 2008

Writers Note: I have put politics on the back burner to indulge my passion of the greatest sport this week end. I’ll be back to my cranky ranting on Monday with a diatribe about what socialized medicine will be like


Alright, if you are not a golf fan you may want to hit the back button right now. Still here? This is the deal, I am a huge golf fan and to me this is the most sacred weekend of the year. In case you follow the Euro-weenies and their so called football, or the exploits of the all too predictable NBA, the United States Golf Association is putting on a drama in four acts down in San Diego called the U.S. Open.

This is the US Open week. The TV coverage is wall to wall plus Direct TV has an interactive set of channels so I am tied up pretty much all day through Sunday.

Some golfers see the Masters as the biggest week in golf and while I give the Masters props it is an invitational. The US Open is just that, open. Anyone with a set of clubs and a low enough handicap can give it a shot. Beside the Masters has a bit of tainted history with the past racism of the Augusta National Golf Club.

The British Open is awesome but they play on seaside links courses with little rough and few hazards. The British is a gentleman’s boxing match while the U.S. Open is mixed martial arts, a Toughman competition and a street brawl all rolled into one. Beside the British call their tournament “The Open” which always struck me as a bit stuck up. As if they were the only open championship in the world.

 This year the USGA has a huge hit on their hands. The script is the kind that Hollywood studios would reject as being too fantastic to be believed. It opens when an unknown player jumps out in front; the favorites lurk but are off the pace. Act two sees several ups and downs and the hero makes his move but near the end of the act he is behind and hurting and an old gun takes the lead for the first time in years.

Act three is totally crazy, one of the big names goes into total collapse with a score that would make a fifteen handicap curse, the old favorite hangs tough and another guy who many thought was all washed up comes out of nowhere. Our hero makes his move near the end of the act playing through pain and taking the lead.

Best of all there are still eighteen holes to go.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy June 11, 2008 Pope to canonize The Blessed Barack Obama

June 12, 2008

Pope Benedict the XVI has recommended that the Roman Catholic Church elevate the Blessed Barack Obama to sainthood and that he become the patron saint of the gullible

In order to be elevated to sainthood the church must find three miracles which can be attributed to the direct intercession of the proposed candidate. The pope has attributed the following three miracles to the future St. Barack

The first miracle; the dethroning of Bubba Bill as the First Black President and the banishment of the Clintons from the public servant Eden; Washington D.C. 

How does a lone black man from the south side of the Windy City, with just the help of one Chicago political fixer and a couple of radical clergymen go from being a 30,000 dollar a year “community organizer” to living in a multimillion dollar house and running for president in less than ten years time. The cynical non-beliver may think that it’s just another case of Chicago politics as usual but it runs much deeper.

Not only did the Blessed Barack manage to enrich himself but at the same time he dismissed the last little bit of legacy Bill Clinton had left. He did what The Vast Right Conspiracy and a Republican Congress could not do; he showed the far left in America what a phony their old standard bearer is.

At the same time Blessed Barack destroyed the future of the Clinton Dynasty by stopping what looked like the inevitable nomination of Hillary. Truly a miracle, all St. George did was slay a dragon.

The second miracle is always appearing in photos in a noble pose. I am sure at times he scratches his ass or even picks his nose but you will never see a photo of it.    

The third miracle is the revival of the Presidential campaign of John McCain. Here was a guy who was headed for exit and a career of Viagra ads and sessions on Jay Leno’s panel when he suddenly rises from the ashes like the Phoenix his city is named after and within three weeks wraps up the GOP nomination.  How was Barack involved? Some things are a mystery and God works in mysterious ways.