The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Emergency Environmental Action Required

No matter what your political views I think we can all agree we need clean air, water and to quit buying so much from people who hate us like the Chinese and Arabs. It’s just the way we get there we disagree on. Conservatives think we should drill in a vast empty Arctic waste land and offshore where the Chinese are drilling for our oil anyway and progressives think we should live in tepees and have cars run by rubber bands, unless you are Elton John or Al Gore in which case you can just get some “carbon credits” and not do anything different than you are doing now.

But since we all agree that the planet is our number one concern I need to make you aware of some fact which have recently come to light. Immediate Action is needed by all who truly care about Mother Starship Earth, AKA the big blue marble, terra firma, third rock from the sun, and the future home of the Planet of the Apes.  We must act before it is too late.


The temperature of the planet is dropping at an alarming rate! The oceans are getting colder! The Antarctic icecap is growing at its fastest rate in recorded history. This is not reactionary rhetoric it is settled science! Proof of this can be seen all around us, from May snows in Nebraska to a lack of hurricanes in the Gulf of Mexico for the last two years. Here in the Midwest it is the middle of May and we have yet to see the temperature over eighty degrees. If the Antarctic icecap continues to grow at the rate of thirty percent per year within the next twenty years the entire Earth will be covered with ice which would be great for the NHL but not so much for the rest of us.

We also see the eruption of long dormant volcanoes adding to the coming ecological disaster by cooling the southern hemisphere even more. The time to act is now!

You may ask; “What can I do? I am just one person and the world is so large.” The answer unfortunately, is not much! You are just one person and the chances anything you do would stop powers of nature is pretty slim unless you have access to several million megatons of nuclear weapons.  Of course we want to do something, especially if you made the mistake of jumping into the whole “global warming” thing too soon.

We need to get more CO2 into the atmosphere! Did you go out and get a solar panel? Did you replace all of your light bulbs with fluorescents? Did you dump you SUV for a hybrid? Not to worry, that’s where I come in to help you. I have a lot of rich fat Republican friends who are willing to dump thousands of tons of carbon into the biosphere for you. No need to change your hippy-dippy lifestyle. Simply purchase your Carbon Onset Credits from us and you can go about your business secure in the knowledge that you are keeping it warm for future generations!

For more information on Carbon Onset Credits or to purchase yours now write to me, Jeffrey Jena at You may also donate to help the under privileged live a carbon excessive life. Please let anyone who cares about our planet know about this valuable service!  


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