The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy goes to the Movies: Iron Man

So I was hanging out with my Libertarian buddy Chad yesterday. You know what a libertarian is? It’s either a conservative who wants to smoke pot or a liberal who wants to own a gun. Anyway we were supposed to go play golf but there was a line of thundershowers crossing fly over country and we opted for a movie.

Chad wanted to see the new Robert Downey flick, “Iron Man”, which sounded pretty good to me. The problem with going to see any film today is tough because of political correctness. You can’t make any minority the bad guy. The villain can’t be a black guy; a Mexican, a woman, a gay person, and god forbid you make an Arab a terrorist!  It’s hard to create suspense in movies because as soon as you see the bald, fat, rich white guy, that’s the bad guy.

So we went to the thirty-plex and plunked down our ever shrinking dollars to see Iron Man. So we get down in our seats and the action starts right off with Robert Downey Jr. as gazzillionaire Tony Stark in the back of a Humvee drinking scotch and wearing a Roy Schneider in “All That Jazz” Van Dyke and Elvis shades.  Then BOOM! His Humvee blows up and he is out in the sand and rocks and then his get shrapnelled by, how ironic, a bomb from Stark Enterprises.

So now I am thinking great, it’s gonna be “Pulp Fiction” all over again as the flashbacks start.  Then we see just a few hours earlier that Tony was in Vegas hanging with Jeff Bridges who is sporting a shaved head and a Unabomber beard, so right away the conspiracy theorist in me says, “there is the bad guy!” But he seems like he is Tony Stark’s best buddy so I let it go as being too critical of the PC element in Hollywood.

So we quickly get back to Afghanistan where the action was before which tells me the flashback was just for the start of the movie and there are Arab terrorist everywhere! Hey, this might turn out to be a pretty good flick.

Then while Tony and his new found pal are in a cave advancing science and technology about fifty years in three weeks someone make a reference to the terrorists speaking Hungarian. “Why would Arabs be speaking Hungarian?”, I ask myself.

I get distracted by the shooting and blowing up of stuff that goes on for the next ten minutes which is great. Tony Stark has fabricated his first Iron Man suit in a cave while recovering from wounds that would have put a GI on permanent disability but Ok I have to suspend a little believability, after all it’s a movie based on a comic book so we have two levels of fiction.

Just then two things happen that ruin the movie. First, Gwyneth Paltrow shows up as Pepper Potts. Is it possible that a playboy like Tony Stark has never noticed how hot she is? That he has never tried to put the moves on her and ended up on the bad end of a multi-million dollar sexual harassment lawsuit? Then we go back to Afghanistan where the head Arab bad guy is digging the Iron Man suit out of the sand. A few minutes later the real villain turns up and guess who it is?  Fat, rich, white and bald Jeff Bridges. Throw in a warmonger on top of that and all we need is a quick chorus of “Bush! Cheney! Halliburton!” and the liberal mantra would be complete.

The movie ends as Tony Stark perfects his Iron Man suit, kicks Jeff Bridges ass, gets Pepper Potts and leaves plenty of room for the sequel. It really wasn’t too bad of a movie but just for once can I see an ending with a little less predictability.

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