The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: The Real Housewife of South Carolina

Guys like South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford are killing the Republican Party. You can’t turn up your nose at Bill Clinton and Elliott Spitzer and then make excuses for Mark Sanford.  One of the reasons I usually vote for Republicans is that I like to think they reflect my conservative political and moral values. I like to think that their personal values will be reflected in the way they govern. When your personal life is in the gutter it’s hard to take the moral high ground.  I have to question the judgment of any politician who engages in risky behavior in his personal life. Bad personal life judgment means bad profession judgments.

The Real Housewife of Columbia

There are a lot of other things in this story that make me question Mark Sanford’s judgment. How can any sane man think that he can jet off to South America for a week and have it go unnoticed? My brother runs a pizza joint and if he shows up fifteen minutes late the place is in chaos. How can a guy who runs a state think he can go off the grid for a week? I have long believed that a secret is only a secret if just one person knows it. How did the Governor’s love e mail get out? Gov. Sanford’s mistress claims her account was hacked. That means someone knew where to look for these love letters.

Here is another problem: Almost no one gets caught the first time they break a rule or a law. I am gonna guess that Governor Stanford has another girlfriend or two in his past. I believe in forgiveness and that people can change but you do that in private and not while you are trying to fend off the liberals who are trying to ruin our country while your ex-mistresses are popping out of the woodwork. Mark Stanford needs to make some apologies and a quick exit from the political stage.

When he turns in his papers I have the perfect person to replace him, his wife Jenny Sanford. She has been reported to be one of his top advisors and has experience in business and government. I also think she gives the other Republican Party hottie, Sarah Palin, a run for her money in the looks department.  Here is what I like most about Jenny Sanford; she was not standing next to her husband when he gave his apology for his Argentine adventure. I have often wondered where these politicians find women who are willing to walk out behind them after they have been treated like doormats. She gave her husband a chance to straighten up when she found out about the affair a few months ago but now she is telling him to go suck eggs. She cares more about herself, her self respect and her values than the power of being First Lady of South Carolina with the possibility of moving up in a few years. If Hillary Clinton had that kind of spine she would be sitting in the big chair right now instead of hoping that she can hang on and get her shot in 2016.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: A Salute to the Troops

Sometimes I sit at my desk and I think about what I do for a living. Some people say comedy is hard but comedy is a byproduct of our society. Everything that we have and everything that we do in America from telling jokes to curing cancer to turning bolts in a factory is the result of a culture in our country that says country is more important than self. From the early revolutionaries to the men and women standing a post in Iraq tonight Americans have always stepped up to do what is necessary to protect our freedoms.

I believe that the average person in America, and I include myself in that number, has become complacent about the liberties with which we are provided. Most of us don’t vote. Most of us don’t pay much attention to what the government is doing. Most of us don’t care that little by little our freedoms, won and protected by the blood of our young man and women are being whittled away. Smoking is banned, but hey, most of us don’t smoke. They kicked an old lady out of her house, but we all got a great new shopping mall. The Government decides that AIG or GM is too big to fail but that’s ok because my insurance or my uncle’s pension was saved. Each time one of our freedoms is chipped away it is an insult to those who have laid down their lives protecting them.   

Over the years I have done a number of shows at military bases. Officers clubs, NCO clubs, for the enlisted guys. I’ve done shows for a few dozen marines at Camp Pendleton and a few thousand airmen at Randolph. At all of those shows I have never been heckled. In every visit to a base I have always been treated with the utmost respect. Every man and woman I met called me “sir.”  The men and women in our military service live in a culture or respect, honor and order. Stories like Abu Ghraib and other war crimes are news because among our military folks they are the rare exception and not the rule. So, if you see a man or woman in uniform on the street or at the airport say “thank you.” If you have the time, buy them a soda or a coffee. The best part is that you’ll feel great and get a bigger thank you than you gave in return.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: What’s in a name? A Senator Needs a Tutorial.

In the spirit of full disclosure I have to say that I find pretty much anything Senator Boxer says irratating. However, her recent disrespectful and condescending request to Brigadier General who had respectfully called her Ma’am, to call her Senator made me laugh.  

Generally speaking, I will call someone whatever they want to be called as long as they are willing to return the courtesy. My given name is Jeffrey but you can call me just about any variation of that you want as long as you do it in friendly manner. However  if your name is Charles and you insist on me calling you “Charles” and not “Charlie” or “Chuck” then you will only call me Jeffrey.  If you are a Doctor or a Professor and insist I use your title when addressing you then you must address me as Mister.

I also have a few nicknames and if you know me well enough and long enough you can call me by one of those. My golf buddies can call me any number of names that are not printable here as long as they are also marveling at my shot making ability at the same time. I also try to treat everyone in meet in daily life with respect. I address everyone I do not know with the title “Sir” or “Ma’am.” The cop who pulls me over for speeding or the person who takes my money at the grocery store gets the same treatment.

I recently did a show at a military base where the commanding officer was a woman. I was unsure how to address this much decorated military person so I asked a tough looking guy with a bunch of stripes on his arm to guide me. He told me that “Ma’am” was the proper term of address, just as I would say “Sir” if the commander were a man. Then he added some information for which I had not asked.

“Don’t address her only by her rank.” He said, “That would tell her you think she is a substandard officer.”  In the military it seems that insulting an officer to his or her face isn’t tolerated very well. Military people, being a resourceful bunch, have developed a system for letting an officer know that they don’t think too much of them. They use the term of address which least fulfills the requirement of military respect which is using only the person’s title. 

 Imagine, for example, you are an enlisted man and you are under the command of a Lieutenant Smith. If Lt. Smith is a competent leader you would address him as “Sir”, “LT” or “Lt. Smith.”  If Lt. Smith is an arrogant moron you would always address him simply as “Lieutenant.”

So when General Walsh quickly came back with “Senator” and not “Senator Boxer” I laughed because I knew what he meant; this is a substandard person for whom I have no respect!

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Iranian Recount Part II

Check out Bearman's other cartoons at www.bearmancartoons.com

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: A Limited Recount in Tehran

Q. How many young Iranian voters does it take to oust Ahmadinejad?

A. More than they have, apparently!

Remember student council elections in high school. You took it so seriously, as if … Like if you just elected the right person you’d get rock music over the PA in the morning and no final exams. When I look at things like the beauty contest election in Iran for President, an office with about the same amount of  power, I wonder how afraid the puppeteers on the council of twelve high muckity-mucks must be that they won’t allow someone who they had to approve to run for office actually win.

In a statement the Guardian Council said they might be willing to have a limited recount of some ballot boxes. Remind you of anything? That is exactly what the Al Goristas wanted to do in Florida a few years back. Fortunately for us, and yes I mean you Progressives too, we let the lawyers handle it while we had a cookout and a few beers and when it was over we traded snide comments rather than bullets in the streets.

Here is the thing about the election, the Guardian Council and Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, said that Ahmadinejad won 63 % of the vote. I think if you are going to tell a lie you should at least make it a believable lie. Like folks who listened to Wilt Chamberlin claim how many women he had slept with or Clinton saying he smoked but didn’t inhale I think the average Iranian just has a problem thinking his guy got beat that badly. I think the over/ under was only 55%.

Another problem is that the Supreme Leader, (What a great title!), has already said that the election results were a “divine verdict.”  That’s a tough position to back away from when you are not only the political leader of a country but its religious one as well. A Mr. Abbasali Kadkhodai, who is a spokesman for the Guardian Council said there might be some changes to the vote tally. So you see, maybe the current puppet president won by only getting 61%. Our Bad!

The Iranian government has termed the protests “unauthorized gathering” and Janet Napolitano wishes she would have thought of that term before the Tea Parties!

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: An Apology from Dave, Previews and Other Random Thoughts

Last night David Letterman ate a little humble pie when conservative pressure on economically hurting CBS forced him to apologize to Governor Palin.  I am of two minds when I hear this apology. The first is to take the high road like the Governor and graciously accept. The second is to look for the wink and the nod to like mined lefties behind the apology that says, “I have to do this to keep my job but you all know what I really think.”

For now I say let it go and let’s find other sacred liberals and their causes to skewer.

That out reach to the “Muslin World” seem to be working well for President Obama. I wonder if he has scheduled his “talks without preconditions” with Iran yet? Meanwhile the other anti-Israel Democrat President , Jimmy Carter,  says that Hamas is no longer a terrorist group. I am sure that the Israelis who are being hit by their rockets are going to be so happy to hear the news!

Meanwhile in Iran the real leader have said that they might be willing to consider a “limited recount” of the voting. Remind you of anything? Back in 2000 that is exactly what Al Gore, the Democrat Party, and the Florida Supreme Court e to do. Before I get any comments from “progressives” who want to whine, can anyone show one recount where Bush did not win Florida?

In the next week I hope to have a collaborative effort with a friend to bring you a couple of cartoons.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Top Ten Reasons It Sucks To Be You, Dave!

I have had it with Letterman! I used to defend this guy to all of my friends who liked Leno better. I would say from a comic stand point that Jay was a great comic but Lettermen was more original and had more style and class than Leno. Two recent events have changed my mind: Jay’s classy departure from the “Tonight Show’” and Letterman’s classless left wing attacks on the kids of politicians.

Lost his Comedy Mojo

A comic needs to be an equal opportunity offender. We can’t pick sides in politics. We can have a point of view and a favorite but being a comic means when our guy drops the ball you have to pick it up and smash it in his face. My friend and political opposite Will Durst said this a few years back about Mort Saul, and I am paraphrasing here, “ You can’t sit down to dinner with the Reagan’s and then pretend you’re still willing to sling mud at them.”

That is what is wrong with comedians like Letterman, Maher, Garofalo and Stewart. They only see one side. Why do none of them at least give love taps to Obama? Why didn’t at least one of them make some comedic hay out of Obama gaffs like “57 states” and a reference to speaking “Austrian?”

So I decided to give Dave a send off with one of his favorite bits, a top ten list. Here are my top ten reasons it sucks to be David Lettermen.

10) In a few years his “baby momma” is going to leave and take half his stuff.

9) 30 year old Alfred E. Newman look-a-like, kind of cute, 60 year old Alfred E. Newman look-a-like, just creepy!

8 )Held onto double breasted suit look longer than Billy Ray Cyrus had his “mullet”.

7) Amount of Botox needed to smooth out face would kill a humpback whale.

6) Wanted to be race car driver but couldn’t find crash helmet big enough to cover ego.

5) By the time his son graduates from college he’ll be dead.

4) Once his stalker got to know him she started following Leno around.

3) Has lower ratings than Glenn Beck

2) Got passed over for Leno, O’Brian, Fallon, Kimmel, Ferguson and Kilburn

1) Three words, “You’re on CBS”

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: A Few Tasteless Jokes to Share

David Letterman, and to a lesser degree alleged comedian/VH-I host Chuck Nice, once again have shown by example what hundreds of essays, several books and many news reports could not: there is a double standard for what gets said and how the media reacts in this country. So called “Progressive” comics, television “reporters”, politicans and radio personalities are very rarely held to account for what they say.  There are hundreds of examples you could cite, anti-Semitic remarks by a number of liberals from Jimmy Carter to Jesse Jackson, racist comments from Judge Sotomayor and numerous “jokes” from Bill Maher and Jeanne Garofalo. Have any of them lost a job or been held up to public ridicule? Of course not, in fact in many cases their status has been elevated and their careers prospered.

This week both Letterman and Nice have made “jokes” about Sarah Palin and her family in ugly and tasteless terms. Aside from some right wing talk show hosts and a few bloggers there hasn’t been too much blow back. Does anyone think CBS will can Lettermen over his child rape joke? He may issue some half-hearted apology but do you buy it? Do you think he went home last night after the show and thought that what he had said was wrong or do you think the spin meisters and the Letterman writers are crafting some slickly worded statement for tonight’s show that says nothing.

Being a comic I thought it might be fun to write a few “jokes” that are along the same lines as Letterman and Nice. So here are some tasteless jokes that will never be told on any of the public airwaves. They may, however, be taken out of the context of satirizing the left and be quoted by some liberal half-wit as an example that the right does it too.

I thought I saw Michelle Obama the other day, at least I think it was her, or do all D.C. street walkers have Secret Service protection?

Do you ever notice that President Obama is like a televangelist, no matter how much money you send him he still asks for more? And his faith in Jesus has just about the same level of sincerity!

President Obama is like a hemoriod, he’s a huge pain in the ass and he’s bleeding me dry!

Biden was picked as VP as an insurance policy, as long as that moron is next in line no one will impeach President Obama.

Since Michelle Obama’s mother is living in the White House does that mean it is qualified as section 8 housing?

I wrote some nasty jokes about President Obama’s children but I am not publishing them because I have something that most progressives don’t: standards.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: New Progressive Tax Proposals

When you spend a few trillion bucks you don’t have, at some point you need to come up with a plan to pay that money back. If you don’t, you look bad and no messianic cult figure ever wants to look like he doesn’t know what’s up. If you are a working stiff you have two ways to get money to pay off your debts, earn more or spend less. If you own the printing press like the Federal Government you have another option, create inflation. For example, if you printed enough money to cause inflation to rise by a factor of ten you could pay back a trillion dollars of debt with money that is in reality only worth 100 billion. The down side of that is that milk ends up costing thirty three dollars a gallon.

"If you get too cold I will tax the heat"

Another thing a government can do to raise revenue to pay off their debt is expand the economy. That one is tough when you have just bought GM, AIG and are getting ready to nationalize health care. Corporate types aren’t too keen to expand their businesses when Uncle Sam is looking to control them.

A third option is to raise taxes. When President Obama was still candidate Obama he promised not to raise taxes on the middle class. At least I think that’s what he said, or did he say income taxes? Then too, there was a little vacillation on what was meant by middle class. Was it earners over $250,000 or $150,000?

If  President Obama were to take all of the money from the top five percent of all folks in the country I’m not sure he could raise the eleven or twelve trillion needed to pay off the debt. Since he has painted himself into a corner with the income tax pledge he has asked a blue ribbon panel to come up with some ideas for raising revenue. Here are their recommendations:

The Ambition Tax: It’s really not fair that you are willing to do more that someone else. That un-levels the playing field and gives you an advantage over lazy people who live around you. Take a second job and you pay more! Start a business and meet your new partner, Uncle Sam. You go back to school to try to get ahead, pay up sucker!

The Tax Tax: If you can afford to pay taxes you obviously have money. If you have money you can afford to pay more.  The more you have already paid the more you can afford to pay. I know it sounds like circular logic but circular logic works because circular logic works!

Gun Tax: The second amendment has a loophole so big you could drive a national debt through it! By taxing guns and bullets we could suck dry the coffers of the NRA and gun owners. The beauty of this is that when the economic crisis is over the gun nuts and the NRA will be as broke as GM!

 The Flush Tax: People who eat too much could be spending less money on food and more on the government. This proposal would have the government put flush meters on all toilets and charge surtax per flush. This would have the added benefit of decreasing carbon emissions.

The Talk Radio Tax: Since liberal talk radio is an oxymoron and limited to the publicly funded NPR we can eliminate the competition and raise a ton of cash by taxing ads places on talk radio shows.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Local Interest Only

The VRWC has been involved in a little local community organizing lately. Our local school superintendent had been getting a little out of hand with his liberal agenda.

 His blind devotion to an agenda led him to allow his hubris to overtake his good judgement and our schools suffered. I started a campaign to have him removed and this morning it was announced that he had resigned.

This wasn’t personal. I am sure the guy was a good father and has many supportes but the fact is that our schools went way down under is leadership. If you want to know more check this link: http://www.middletownjournal.com/news/middletown-news/superintendent-and-school-district-separate-147786.html

All politics is local, the movement toward reclaiming our country from the Marxist/socialists does not start in Washington but on Main Street.

Back tomorrow with a new piece of wider interest