The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Top Ten Lies President Obama Has Told

Remember way back in 2008 when George Bush was still the President and everyone on the left was screeching about lies?  If you can’t remember that far back just flip over to MSNBC and wait a few minutes they’ll be happy to remind you. I thought I would write a short piece about the lies we have already heard from President Obama. I did little research and there are plenty of web sites that focus on a lot of picayune stuff and things from long ago.

I decided to stick to direct quotes from the President made within the last 18 months. Some I have commented on, the others as they say at Harvard Law, res ipsa loquitur.    

1)  “…not because I believe in bigger government — I don’t — not because I’m not mindful of the massive debt we’ve inherited — I am.”   Speech to congress, February 24, 2009

2) “And that is why I have ordered the closing of the detention center at Guantanamo Bay and will seek swift and certain justice for captured terrorists…” Speech to congress, February 24, 2009

3) “My administration has also begun to go line by line through the federal budget in order to eliminate wasteful and ineffective programs.” I wonder if the President knows he doesn’t have a line item veto.  

4)  “My immediate task is making sure that the second half of that money, $350 billion, is spent properly. That’s my first job.”  Press conference February 9, 2009, talking about TARP money.

5)  “It also contains an unprecedented level of transparency and accountability, so that every American will be able to go online and see where and how we’re spending every dime. What it does not contain, however, is a single pet project, not a single earmark, and it has been stripped of the projects members of both parties found most objectionable.” Press conference February 9, 2009  talking about his own economic bill.

6)  “Second is recognition of the limits of the judicial role, an understanding that a judge’s job is to interpret, not make law, to approach decisions without any particular ideology or agenda, but rather a commitment to impartial justice…” I thought about putting this first because he was introducing Sotomayer who is on tape saying judges make policy, among other things.

7) “It’s not just enough to change the players. We’ve gotta change the game.” He has appointed over 150 recycled Clintionistas

8) “I opposed the Defense of Marriage Act in 1996. It should be repealed and I will vote for its repeal on the Senate floor. I will also oppose any proposal to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban gays and lesbians from marrying.”  Either this is a lie or his later position where he opposes gay marriage, take your pick for number eight.

9) “I can no more disown him than I can disown the black community.” In reference to Rev. Wright 42 days before he disowned him.

10) “To those Americans whose support I have yet to earn: I may not have won your vote, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your President, too.”

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Buy Seeds!

Not too long ago I wrote a criticism of ads that are popular on Conservative talk radio which encourage people to buy gold. The undertone of those ads is that in the coming collapse of the world economy you’ll need your gold coins and bullion when “fiat” currencies are worthless. My conclusion was that if you think gold is a good investment at almost $1000 an ounce be my guest. If you’re buying gold because you think you’ll be able to use it in some sort future orderly bartering system you’re kidding yourself.

Recently the apocalyptic gold ads have been outdone by ads to buy seeds. That’s right friends, seeds! In case you haven’t heard the ads it seems these new scaremeisters are telling the public that the “world elites” are storing seeds in secret vaults in the Arctic. The “elites” are preparing for the coming apocalypse by storing these “non-hybrid” seeds so they will have a food supply in the post-crisis world. The ads further inform us that in the past seeds have outperformed gold as an investment and would be a great thing to barter in a post-collapse society. They also claim these seeds could provide you and your family with an endless supply of “nutrient dense” food. Buy their seeds and you will have enough to plant an acre “crisis garden.” The ads also assure the public that the product has not been genetically altered in any way.

When I first heard these ads I thought they were a parody. When I figured out they were serious I realized they show two important things; that the entrepreneurial spirit is alive and well in America and that P.T. Barnum was right. These ads reaffirm my belief in the greatest right we have as Americans: You are allowed to be as stupid as you want to be!

I suppose that there may be some sort of government seed bank in the icy north. To be honest I didn’t care enough to do an internet search to find out. I love the whole “non-hybrid” and “not genetically altered in any way” pitch. Imagine a bleak future where you and your family are starving to death, you take out one of your gold coins to barter for some food but first you ask, “Was this corn grown from a genetically altered seed?”

I also love the pitch that you can plant a “full acre crisis garden.” First, how many of you know anything about farming? Exactly! Now, even if you know a little something about farming how are you going to till your acre? Do you own a tractor? Let’s say you have John Deere sitting around, how are you going to get fuel in a post- collapse world? Are you going to turn over and plant an acre by hand? Oh yeah, do you have an acre of land sitting fallow somewhere? Exactly how many people will an acre of farmed land feed for a year?

Look, if you want to buy some seeds either for an investment or to grow some food in an emergency go right ahead. Save yourself some money and buy them at your local feed and grain or garden store and not from some huckster on the radio. If you really want to be prepared to feed and protect your family buy some guns and lots of ammo. You’ll need them to protect your acre of food if things get that bad.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: It’s our Birthday!

Just wanted to thank the thousands of folks who have read “The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy”  in our first year!

Have a great Memorial Day Weekend. Do something corny like go to a parade and salute the flag or visit a cemetery and tell your kids about the heros buried there. Fly the flag at your house and enjoy the weekend  with a cookout or see a ballgame. My son and I are going to see a college game. College baseball is a great time, family friendly and easy on the wallet!

Next week the Conspiracy goes back to work with blogs on seed buyers, Norway and looking at the Greek tragedy called the Obama Administration.

I like my burger medium well with spicy mustard and a pickle!

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: American Idol

I have never really watched American Idol until this season. My wife is a huge fan and every year I would watch the first few “audition” weeks with her for the same reason people slow down near a car accident. I want to see the blood and ugliness! I love the people who didn’t have any friends to tell them they couldn’t sing and other train wrecks that show up with the delusion that they might be the next Kelly Clarkson.  

My major problems with these talent shows is they try to give the impression that all of the contestants are just diamonds in the rough that took an hour off from the Burger King to come down and give it a shot. The people at American Idol want you to believe they have discovered some guy with a day gig and a dream and they helped polish up their act and transformed them into stars. Adam Lambert and Kris Allen did not go stand in line with the rest of the mob. They were somehow prescreened and told when and where to report. Is there anyone in American who thinks that Adam Lambert wasn’t a professional singer before he was on American Idol? 

The same is true of NBC’s Last Comic Standing. The people who are going to make the top twenty or ten or whatever it is are all long time professional comics. Many already have deals in place with NBC, or an agent and a manager before they “audition” to be on the show.  

Here’s my point, after a certain point the show gets boring for me because all of the people have chops and a reasonable shot at winning. After a point in the elimination rounds all of the people on the show are already show business professionals who are acting out a charade for your entertainment.

I have noticed an embarrassing trend on the show this year. A few times this season if the “star” guest singer had been in the competition they would have been voted off of the show! Several of the guests were, as Randy Jackson might put it, a little pitchy.

Enjoy the final tonight, American Idol fans and rest easy because no matter who comes out on top they are both going to have great careers.  Besides the real winner has already been determined, the producers of American Idol and Fox who are raking in billions. Hey Congress, how about a windfall profits tax?

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: The Beauty of Modern Airline Travel

I am a stand- up comic and I love what I do for a living but I hate traveling to get there. I do between 125 and 150 road dates a year. Fortunately for me I can drive to a lot of my gigs and I would rather be at the mercy of the potholed, drunk driver infested, revenue enhancing state police filled interstate highway system than under the thumb of our crack security force the TSA.

Isn’t it nice that after 9/11 the government, under a supposed small government conservative president, decided to take over a large portion of the airlines business and provide security at all airports? I don’t know why they stopped there. Aren’t Major League Baseball games potential terrorist? Why doesn’t the TSA provide security for MLB and its patrons? In Israel terrorist often target restaurants and shopping centers so why isn’t Homeland Security saving the businesses at the mall a few bucks and having the TSA chase the skateboarders out of the food court.

I have never like the term “Homeland Security Agency” it has a strange ring that falls somewhere between “brown shirts” and “big brother” for me. The TSA was founded under the premise that the security of the nation was too important to trust to minimum wage, undereducated folks in bad blue blazers. It was time to have our security in the hands of unionized, $14 an hour professionals. Alright, it’s the same people but now they have nice uniforms and now we are paying their heath care and retirement. I don’t know about you but I feel much more secure.

If you are of a certain age you can remember when flying was a little nicer than it is today. There was a time, my children, when people didn’t front up to the airport in an Under Armour t-shirt and matching boxer shorts and nothing else. There was also a time when the airline companies had, and I hate to use this word, standards! Before every third person in America was a tort attorney companies had policies which they enforced. That meant your “companion cat” went into baggage and if you didn’t like it they would call Greyhound for you. Now, Miss “My cat is more than a pet and it has rights” will sue the pants off of anyone who wants to try to stop her from taking her cat everywhere she goes. Maybe that’s what happened to Mr. Under Armour?

There was a time when if you were taking a forty minute flight from St. Louis to Chicago you could get to the airport thirty minutes early and be in the Windy City two hours after you left your home. Now you have to be at the airport two hours before the flight and if you are not on the plane 15 minutes before scheduled departure time you can be denied boarding. Your 11:00 A.M. flight is really a 10:45 flight so make yourself comfortable next to Mr. “I was partying pretty heavy last night and didn’t shower or brush my teeth this morning,” for an extra quarter of an hour.

Right now Janet Napolitano or one of her toadies is probably adding my name to the “do not fly list” for doubting the need for the agency she heads up and talking trash about the TSA. I may be driving a lot more next month.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Recommended Reading

Dear Readers

I had to take a few days away from The Conspiracy and Big Hollywood to write to corporate shows that I am doing this week and next. I will be back to my usual blathering next week.

For today enjoy this inspiring lecture to the graduates of Hillsdale College by writer and radio personality Mark Steyn

 

http://www.hillsdale.edu/news/imprimis/archive/issue.asp?year=2009&month=04

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: All Politics is Local

As much as I hate quoting a Democrat Boss Daley was right, all politics is local. I have been spending a lot of time this week e mailing back and forth with the superintendentof our local school system. Over the past five years he has wasted millions of dollars instituting a program he calls an “equity” training program in our schools. The idea behind this program is rooted in failed educational philosophy from the late sixties and early seventies. The idea is that the achievement gap between White and Asian students and urban African-American students can be overcome if White teachers in the schools are more sensitive to so callled “Black” culture.  There has been no closing of this achievement gap in our schools in the five years of this program. There are other programs that seem to be working,  notably Geoffrey Canada’s program in NYC  ( see David Brooks in the NYT May 8th 2009  http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/08/opinion/08brooks.html?_r=1 ) 

I have written several opinion pieces for our local paper which have been highly critical of the superintendent and the program. He has recently defended the program’s philosophy but has not supported it with any studies or data.  He recently answered a question about the cost in print. I thought his answer was evasive and disingenuous I am publishing my fourth pinion piece below.

Fourth Editorial Education

I read Dr. Price’s reply to a sound off question with my critical thinking skills engaged. The questioner asked Dr. Price to how much money had been spent on the equity program in the last three years. Whenever you deal with a public official you need to analyze the words very carefully.  

Since the questioner only asked about the last three years Dr. Price gave information only about those years. Public officials seldom volunteer information that is not in their favor. He did give a lot of information for which he was not asked. Information about total dollars spent on professional development and how the percentage he claims that was paid to PEG compares to that total.  He did this in order to make the taxpayer think he isn’t really wasting a lot of out money. Even if we accept the $426,125 figure as accurate we must also ask what Dr. Price considers “total expenses?”

I have an analogy.  Let’s say you took your son to a Reds game. I might ask you how much it cost you. You might think, two seats at $22 each, the game cost $44. In a way that would be accurate. Maybe you bought some sodas and a couple of hot dogs. You bought a hat and a program. You paid to park and burned a few gallons of gas going down there, so what did you really spend on the Reds game? Maybe it was more like $150. I am just wondering if during the equity training, Dr. Price bought any hot dogs.

Does Dr. Price include textbooks bought for the equity program for teachers and students as part of total costs? Does it include expendables like workbooks and other material which get used up? What about airfares, hotels and meals? Have teacher spent time away from their classes to participate in equity work? If so are the expenses for substitutes included? Does he include other professional development activities that grow out of the equity work like trips to present papers about “othering” at conferences?

Dr. Price also shows us something about the way he thinks about our money. He makes three references to federal grant money as if that is somehow “free” money. Where does Dr. Price think federal grant money comes from? Federal dollars are also our money, Dr. Price. The federal government doles a few of our tax dollars back to us as grants and in programs and we are supposed to think we are getting something for free.  This Washington D.C. run Ponzi scheme makes Bernie Madoff look like a small time grifter.

There is more important question here than the money spent; does this program produce results? I think most of the citizens of Middletown would pony up a more that few extra dollars if they had some solid evidence that their schools were producing real improvements. In my articles I have asked Dr. Price to show data from his tenure as our superintendant supporting that what he is doing actually works.  As of yet I have seen no data. I have e-mailed PEG and asked them to reference any independent studies that support their program. As of this writing I have received no reply.

I did however find some information about a program that is closing the achievement gap. I hope you saw the column by New York Times writer David Brooks touting the Harlem Children’s Zone charter schools that was reprinted in the Middletown Journal on Monday May 11^th.  If you missed it please find it online and read it!  These schools, in an urban area, are producing real results. The secret to their success isn’t cultural awareness but an emphasis on basics and creating, “a disciplined, orderly and demanding counterculture to inculcate middle-class values.”  The schools are also described as, “no excuses schools (that) pay meticulous attention to behavior and attitudes.”  At the end of his piece Mr. Brooks challenges other cities to adopt this system. I say, why not here and why not now.  Let’s bring this system to the attention of our school board and our next superintendant. The original column by David Brooks was printed in the New York Times on May 8th, 2009. The same date as Dr. Price’s latest reply. Again, I love irony!

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Barack the Obamedian

Barack Obama is getting ready for his next career. The other night he was the opening act for comedian Wanda Sykes at the White House Correspondents dinner. Soon he could be featuring at Funny Bones across America. It was interesting to watch a room full of allegedly unbiased journalists cheer for the President. It was obvious that their enthusiasm was not for the semi-flat jokes at times but for the underlying left wing politics.

The economy must be worse that the administration is letting on. I saw Warren Buffet and Richard Belzer in the house. Who are they writing for these days? In both the President’s and Wanda’s sets there seemed to be a lack of jokes about the Administration. Since I have a few years of experience at stand-up and teaching comedy writing at undisclosed locations I thought might give a review of his work and offer some suggestions.

Tonight I want to speak from the heart. I’m going to speak off the cuff. (Teleprompters rise.) Good evening.  Pause for laughter.

I am not a big fan of prop gags but this one worked alright even though he telegraphed the punch line.

I am Barack Obama. Most of you covered me…

 It’s always good to introduce yourself. Don’t assume that everybody is informed! If they were you would still be the junior senator from Illinois. 

…All of you voted for me…Apologies to the Fox table…

This is a construction I would deem “true story” comedy. No embellishment needed, just the facts as they happened are funny. This was the first point where I noticed the applause was too strong for the joke. Most of them did vote for him.

I would like to welcome you all to the 10-day anniversary of my first 100 days.

Having a healthy ego and a high sense of self worth is important to stand-up.

I do have to say, though, that this is a tough holiday for Rahm Emanuel because he’s not used to saying the word “day” after “mother.”  That’s true.  

Again just a nice “true story” gag. Then he broke one of the cardinal rules of stand up and politics which is never admit you are just making it up. By saying “That’s true,” it lets the audience know everything else is a lie.

Now Sasha and Malia aren’t here tonight because they’re grounded. You can’t just take Air Force One on a joy ride to Manhattan. I don’t care whose kids you are. We’ve been setting some ground rules here. They’re starting to get a little carried away.

Hey, lay off the kids! If you don’t want right wing nut jobs like me making fun of them in a few years then don’t use them for public props when it suits your purposes. Besides, making fun of your kids is almost as tricky as props and ethnic jokes. Why not do this as a mother-in-law joke. How about, “Michelle’s mother told us she wanted to take the train up to New York for a day and see the sights. I said, why not just fly?  I have to be careful what I say when the Pentagon Liaison is in the room!”   

…And he (David Axelrod) said to me the same thing that partners all across America are saying to one another right now: Let’s go to Iowa and make it official.

Gay jokes, really?  

Dick Cheney was supposed to be here but he is very busy working on his memoirs, tentatively titled, “How to Shoot Friends and Interrogate People.”

This is a good joke, but he fumbled the delivery!

… whirlwind of activity these first hundred days. We’ve enacted a major economic recovery package, we passed a budget, we forged a new path in Iraq, and no President in history has ever named three Commerce Secretaries this quickly.

Not a bad joke but you should have only used two examples in your set up. Remember, set the pattern, reinforce the pattern, and then break the pattern.

… Which reminds me, if Judd Gregg is here; your business cards are ready now.

Not a bad tag, but you fumbled this delivery too.

…Larry Summers asked if he could chair the White House Council on Women and Girls.

Another risky topic for liberal comics, did you hear the groans and small boos from the feminists in the crowd. Barack needs to remember that radical feminist have had their sense of humor surgically removed.

And I do appreciate that Larry is here tonight because it is seven hours past his bedtime.

Weak tag.

Gibbs liked that one.

Weaker tag.

…You know, we (Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Obama) had been rivals during the campaign, but these days we could not be closer. In fact, the second she got back from Mexico she pulled into a hug and gave me a big kiss.

Would he be making Swine Flu jokes if he  really thought it was all that big of a danger?

…So I’d like to talk a little bit about what my administration plans to achieve in the next hundred days.

Hey! Hey! This is my bit from a blog I wrote a week ago! Somebody in the White House writer’s room is reading Big Hollywood!

During the second hundred days, we will design, build and open a library dedicated to my first hundred days. It’s going to be big, folks.  In the next hundred days, I will learn to go off the prompter and Joe Biden will learn to stay on the prompter.

Finally some self-deprecation! Here is my theory on comedy about the Obama Administration: Obama, off limits, Biden whipping boy!

 

I realize that the President didn’t write any of his own material but that is just keeping with his established style. 

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: I Love/Hate LA

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy is stepping away from politics for a day to report on my trip to Los Angeles.

I lived in Southern California for twenty years. Ever since I was a kid growing up in the backwashes of Kentucky I wanted to see the golden west. When I was in high school I had a dirty grey UCLA t-shirt that I wore to in wasn’t fit to wipe the Turtle Wax off my ’59 Rambler American. I wanted to see the Hollywood sign. I wanted to check out the girls the Beach Boys were always singing about. I wanted to be in show business. Unfortunately, when you grow up in small towns in rural Kentucky and Ohio it usually isn’t one of the options they present on career day.

I finally got to see a little of California in 1975. I had graduated from college the previous years with a degree in Education. I was teaching at a university run elementary “lab” school and finishing my first year of graduate school. I was offered a job teaching in Australia and found myself in San Francisco a few weeks later on my way to the land down under. I only had a day and a night there but it was everything I had imagined and more. The motel had a bar with a window into the pool like in the movie “The Right Stuff.” I went to see Chinatown and the Golden Gate. I walked around the Haight and looked at the dying embers of the hippie generation all dirty faced and grimy hands, strung out on speed and heroin.

The next time I saw California was on my way back home two and a half years later. I had friends living in LA and I stopped to visit for a few days. They took me to the new hot club called “The Comedy Store.” David Letterman was the MC that night and I remember Jimmy Walker and Jay Leno performed. I went back the next night and stayed for four hours. I knew that I wanted to be a stand-up comic. I skip ahead a few pages and let you know I ended up living there for twenty years and have been doing stand-up for over thirty. I even managed to land a few acting gigs when all the real actors were busy.

Last night I was back in LA for the launch party of a web site that I am working for called “The Gloomers.” (www.thegloomers.com) I won’t bore you with a long explanation but it’s part animated cartoon, party comedy and part social networking website. We had our party at the House of Blues on the Sunset Strip. I was also supposed to be at a business meeting for the site in Orange County at 3:00 PM. That where our love/hate story begins.

If the weather is clear the flight into LA always gets me pumped. As you descend from the east across Palm Springs you see Lake Arrowhead and Big Bear off to the north. You then fly over an enormous sprawl of city that reaches from over seventy miles east to west from San Bernardino to the ocean and over a hundred miles from north to south from Ventura to San Clemente.

Mecca in The OC

I landed at 1:20 and was supposed to be at a meeting in Santa Ana, which is 34 miles away in an hour in forty minutes. If you had never been in LA you might think. “Piece of cake.” You would be wrong. I avoid checking bags if possible when I fly to LA because the wait at baggage claim can be forty or fifty minutes. I sprint out to the curb to wait for my bus to the rental car lot and the first detail I had forgotten hits me. The loop through LAX is a mini third world of traffic. Every rental car company, hotel, parking lot, shuttle service, taxi company and tourist attraction within fifty miles has “courtesy” vehicles which circle the airport loop endlessly. You throw in several thousand private cars and limos and you have a perfect double decked oval of airport gridlock non-stop 24 hours a day. Of course, the bus I am looking for doesn’t show for ten minutes even though every other rental companies pass me by several times. I am standing there in the exhaust filled air thinking, “I should have renter from Budget.” “I should have rented from Hertz.” “I should have stayed home.”

I am in my car and driving at 2:20PM which isn’t bad for LAX, an hour from walking off the plane to driving off the rental car lot. Again, if you had lived your life is some normal place like Kansas or Wisconsin you might be thinking, you have 34 miles to drive and forty minutes to do it, no problem, But this isn’t a normal place, this is LA. I creep south on the freeway and arrive in Santa Ana an hour and fifty five minutes later.

the meeting I was supposed to be at is just wrapping up and I hop back in a car to drive back to LA for the launch party. Two hours later we have traveled the 43 miles to the Strip. I am totally engaged in my, “I remember why left here,” frame of mind as I help set a few of the final details for the party at the House of Blues. Folks start arriving and I relax a bit and soon I realize that I am hosting a party at a world famous night club for all of my old LA and Orange County friend and it’s not costing me a dime, “I love LA.”

At 9:30 it’s down to the Improv on Melrose where I have arranged for a comic friend from the Midwest to do a short set. I introduce her to the staff there and when I am sure things are set I jump back in the car for the seventy mile drive to south Orange County where I am staying.

At 11:45 I am pulling off of the freeway somewhere in the OC and into the greatest burger joint in the world, In and Out! My friend Jay and I wolf down a couple of Double Doubles animal style and then call it a night. A scene from the movie “Patton” comes into my mind where George C. Scott is looking over the death and destruction of a battlefield and in sad voice says, “God help me, I love it so.”

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: A Few Random Thoughts

I am on my way to LA for two days of business.  Here are a few random thoughts for the road.

I wonder if BET and the English newspapers know what the term “shock jock” means?  “Jock” is a short way of saying disc jockey, a slang term of a radio personality with a music program.  The term was first applied to early morning  drive FM DJ’s who interlaced their music with ranchy comedy.

I understand that BET and the English press hate American conervatives but Rush Limbaugh and Dr. Michael Savage are not “shock jocks”.  They are right wing talk show hosts. I don’t mind liberals insulting them but can’t they be a little more creative and accurate. Of course, accuracy and creativity are not  the leftist stock and trade.

Arlen Spector and ColinPowell can believe whatever they want but they are not Conservatives. I could say I am a Democrat who is Pro Life, against big government, supports the second amendment, opposes bailouts, wants our immigration laws enforced, supports traditional marriage, and other conservative things but that  would be  moronic.

I think Sen. Spector and Alex Rodriguez have the same problem, they play for themselves and not for the team.

They are callling my flight. Gotta go. I have some great stuff coming up next week. Thanks for reading the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, tell you friends to check it out!