The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Air Force One, Flaps Up!

 I was amused when the White House announced that it was going to look into the whole flap surrounding the buzzing of The Statue of Liberty and Lower Manhattan by Air Force One a few days ago.

The White House announced that it was unaware of the plan to scare the pants off of half of one of America’s busiest cities and had “just found out about it.” Really, is someone out joyriding in the president’s plane around New York without permission? What if there had been a national emergency and he had to rush out to Edwards AFB.

“Hey, where is my ride?”

 “We’re not sure, Mr. President” but we are looking into it and should have a reasonable idea within three weeks.”

They also failed to tell the Mayor and other city and state safety departments about their antics. I wonder if they clued in the FAA. Air traffic control may have been having a bit of a heart attack too. Two unidentified fighter jets and a 747 dropping down to 1000 feet isn’t something they see every day. Maybe Maverick and Goose hijacked the plane and buzzed the tower without permission.

The White House said it was going to have a thorough investigation into how this happened and should have some results in two weeks. Though it may not seem so, this is really good news for the Bush Administration officials caught up in the “torture” witch hunt. If it is going to take the Obama Administration two weeks to find out who gave the thumbs up to barnstorm Wall Street I guessing the torture investigations will wrap up sometime around 2023.

I think I could get to the bottom of this in about two hours. I would call the pilot who flew the plane and say something like, “Who told you to go fly around the Statue of Liberty?” He would give me a name and I would work my way up the chain of command until I found the Rhodes Scholar who dreamed up this plan.

Here is the kicker. The Obama team prides itself in how they are so, twittered up, tech savvy and internet geeky but apparently none of these folks have ever heard of a little think called Adobe Photoshop! Forget flying around New Your Harbor. I could have shown The President’s jet sitting in the middle of the Rose Bowl, buzzing Kim Jong Il’s palace or pulling the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders waterskiing across Crater Lake! If you’re going to go for a photo op why not just put the President in the pilot’s seat and show him doing his own flying. Maybe we could also Photoshop him flying the bird to the middle class taxpaying public when they are trying to send him a message. Wait, he’s already done that!

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: That’s The Conspiracy I’m Starting!

 

I have had it with conspiracy theories and their proponents. I could go down the list from the brand new “9/11 was an inside job” wing nuts to the late sixties “we never landed on the moon” kooks but what’s the point. No matter how much evidence you show them or how many holes you shoot in their delusions they cling to their beliefs. Why? Because they want to believe! They have some emotional attachment to being in on the “truth.” It becomes a cult for the believers.

The people who start these wacky ideas cherry pick facts, statistics, and other information to suit their theory. If you present any facts or ideas which contradict the theory you are either too dense to see the obvious or maybe you are one of “them.”

The problem with most conspiracy theories is the incredible number of people who would have to be in on at least part of the plot to make it work.  I don’t rile up too many folks who are holding onto a recent theory so let’s look at one that has been fairly well disproved. Even as I type that line I can see the comments now when I say which theory I am about to name. The people who still think we didn’t land on the moon will go apoplectic. Look at the “we never went to the moon” theory.  Beside the three astronauts and hundreds of NASA technical personal there are camera people, set dressers, broadcast personal, and who knows how many other to put off a round the clock production for eight days. Keep in mind they would have had to repeat this process every time we did an Apollo mission.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I am starting my own conspiracy theory. I will withstand any challenge to my theory and support my theory with facts and figures. I may write a book and go on that late night wacko radio talk show with Art Bell. You ready? Here is my theory: The President is not the real Barack Obama. Look at the pictures of him from college; it’s not the same guy. A secret society of far left activist led by George Soros and Fidel Castro planted an actor in place of the real Mr. Obama twenty years ago. The real Barack Obama was kidnapped by the secret society and is now being held on a private island in the South Pacific owned by Soros. They are all in on it! Michelle, David Axelrod, Greg Holder, Joe Biden, Rev. Wright, Hugo Chavez, Bill Ayers and many more. It is a plot to change us to a world currency which would make Soros the richest man in the world. It would also give far leftist a way to take America into radical socialism. Look at how many people who could identify the real Barack Obama are now dead! His biological father dies in a car accident and his mother dies at a young age. His grandmother was going to spill the beans so she had to be eliminated! This theory also explains the reason a birth certificate can’t be produced. Wake up and see the truth! Go ahead and try to “prove” I am wrong.

 

 

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Hate Mail

I am collection material for a book called, “Hate Mail from Liberals.” I always enjoy a great obscenity filled tirade devoid of any facts from a supporter of the guy who was going to change all that. Some personal threats against me and my family always lets me know I am saying the right things. The things Janet Napolitano and her backers want to silence. Those lovely folks on the left who wanted us to join in the love fest of coming together and respect for different views. Those masters of tolerance.

If you get some hate mail and you want me to include it I would love to have your submissions. I got two great ones this week. The first was written to me by a guy off his work computer. I happened to be a stockholder in that company. I wrote a response to him and pointed out that he may want to be a little cleverer about the place from where he writes and sends his hate mail. He wrote back and apologized and asked me to protect is name and place of employment. I told him I would since my intent was not to cost a guy his job but to school him on the ways of the internet. I also wanted him to know I could take a punch and still be a gentleman. 

 Today I got a letter from “Rex.” He was upset about my stance on torture. He calls himself “rex reason,” the king of reason! Imagine that! Instead of a reasoned and logical counter to my article I received the following which I publish here without correction or editing.

Jeff,

Are comedians supposed to be funny? Was the piece you wrote about torture supposed to be funny? Or was it a rare detour on your part to comment on a serious topic in a serious tone? Or was it supposed to be funny? Cuz it wasn’t funny, nor was it even reasonably accurate, so what exactly were you trying here? Not funny, not accurate…were you trying to be lame? Because it really is a lame piece, Jeff.

Have you ever read the U.S. Constitution? Check it out sometime, it might be illuminating to a caveman like you. You’ll find the original hanging in Dick Cheney’s bathroom, next to the toilet, on that paper roll holder hanging on the wall.

BTW, I already know your wife’s bedroom safeword. She told me that whenever you do something she doesn’t like, she calls you “faggot” and you back off.

With me, she lets me do whatever I want. No safeword. Notice any strange bruises there, bub?

Anyway, Jeff baby, work on the funny part and I might have a gig for you. My kid is turning 7 next month and we need a clown for his party. Are you available?

Rex rexreason08@yahoo.com

Here is my response to Rex:

Rex,

Thanks for your contribution to my book called “Hate Mail from Liberals”. I hope you don’t mind if I include your e mail address.

I thought the word “faggot” was on the liberal banned list? Careful there Rex, Perez Hilton may show up at your house.

 Your response is typical for a leftie. No thought, just invective and ad hominem name calling. I take it from your screen name you consider yourself to be a reasonable man. You are wrong. You are an immature child. You are also a coward. A real man signs his name.

I feel nothing but sorrow for any child that has to grow up such a pitiful example of a male role model.

BTW I am forwarding you hate mail to a friend at the FBI. I consider the “bruises” comment to be a rape threat against my wife. The FBI takes anonymous cyber threats very seriously. Enjoy!

Jeffrey Jena

 I am not surprised that a liberal would not respond with intelligence and civility. What does amaze me is that they don’t see the hypocrisy of what they write.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Obama Tortures Me Every Day

 Let me see if I can understand the liberal view of so called torture. I really am trying to understand why the left, especially the ones that work near downtown Los Angeles, have their shorts so far up their behinds. As I see it there are two questions: What is torture? Does it work?

 Let me take the second question first. Yes, enhanced interrogation techniques work. If you don’t think so then come by my house, sign the release form and I guarantee I will have your computer password, your ATM PIN and your wife’s safe word for the bedroom in an hour. The memos which Obama released last week in order to placate his far left base say so. It’s hard to accept one part of the memo and say the rest is a lie. Yet, for some strange reason he refuses to show the memo’s which the dreaded Chaney say further support the claim that enhanced interrogation worked and saved American lives. Even the guy from the right lefties love to point to as an expert on torture, John McCain says that everyone breaks. Just for the record, Mr. McCain believes all of the enhanced interrogation techniques, except for water boarding are acceptable.

So what is torture? There is no definition of torture anywhere that I can find that says what is and isn’t torture. Is playing loud music torture? Then the kid next door to me needs to get a visit from the Attorney General so I can get some sleep. Bugs where you sleep? I always knew camping was torture! Cold and naked, that was my four years in college. Someone puts underpants on your head? Ever been to a kegger? Annoying voices saying things you find offensive, then Obama and Pelosi torture me every day.

How would the left extract information from terrorists? Sit down a well lit room with some nice Lazy-E-Boys and a cold soda, lean in close and say, “Do you have something to tell me?” Then lean back and wait until they are ready to open up? Maybe we could put them in therapy and in six or seven years they would have a breakthrough!

All this “torture” crap is really just the Daily KOS and Move On trying to get back at Bush and Chaney for starting a war they don’t like. They presented a petition with 250,000 names on it to Obama demanded he go after the previous administration. 250,000 people supporting something, where have I heard that number lately? Tea, anyone? Obama, they say, has promised to get us back to being a nation of laws. Does that include our immigration laws? Doubt it!

Mr. Obama must realize that this witch hunting is a dangerous game. Someday, and let us hope it is three years and a half years or less in the future, he will leave office and someone from the right will sit behind the big desk. Maybe they won’t be crazy about something he had done in good faith, under the legal advice of his team. Does he really want that to be his legacy, ongoing investigations of the last guy? I heard some moron left wing talking head say that the decision to investigate this matter is not under the President’s authority that it is up to the Attorney General. That may be the stupidest thing I have ever heard on a political talk show and keep in mind I have seen both Keith Olbermann and Jeanane Garafolo. Trust me, if Mr. Obama called the Justice Department and said, “Drop this.” Move On, Code Pink and The Daily Crock could send over 20,000,000 Astroturf petitions and it would still be dropped. News flash to the left, once you are the President nothing is below your pay grade.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy A Reaction and Reply

Readers

Here is a little e mail I got from a nice, fair minded, liberal,  enviroweenie in reaction to my “Earth Day Scam” essay. I have redacted some information to protect him. I have included my reply.

I hope you enjoy it!

Jeff

 

I don’t mean to be blunt, but if that article was serious in any way, then … You are an idiot. Freedom of the press is one thing, making up BS and spreading it around is another. You should lose your job. Serioulsy.

________________________________
Kevin X. SXXXXXXX
XXX Program XXXXXXX XX  Management
XXX XXXX Services andXXXXXXXX
xxxxxxx.xxxx (o)
xxxxxxx-xxxx (f)
kevin.x.xxxxxxx@xxxxx.com

Dear Kevin

 

I am not sure what you mean? Is your opinion an official opinion of XXXXX( the company he works for), a company in which I am a shareholder? Maybe I should have a word with your superiors about using my companies IT service for your political agenda.

 

Also, let me help your communications skills, when you said, ” I don’t mean to be blunt” that is exactly what you meant to do, so as a professional writer let me advise you to stick to your day job or learn what words mean. Words like “idiot” are important too! The definition of an idiot is someone with an IQ of less than 25 and a mental age of 3. Since I can operate a computer, teach at a university and am more facile with language than you it must be apparent that I am at least a moron. Please let’s be fair! A secondary definition of “idiot” is someone who engages in foolish or silly behavior, like writing angry political letters from his work computer. By the way, you misspelled “seriously”, try the spell check for professional communications!

 

It’s also interesting that you chose to insult me with an ad hominem attack rather than give a reason for your dissatisfaction. This is a reaction I find to be typical of leftist activists. You are in good company, Janeane Garafolo, Sandra Bernhard, Keith Olbermann, and Rahm Emanuel.   

 

Furthermore, I am a comedian and the piece was a satire. It is very funny but you don’t see the humor because the environmental cause is a religion for you. I am not trying to convince you or convert you but simply to hold you and your absolute faith in the green movement up to ridicule. As a conservative and Christian I am used to getting it from the left but as a comedian when it is well done I can laugh because I have a sense of humor, something you may lack. You may want to consult a good therapist.

 

Now get back to work and make me some money or I tell the guy who has a bigger cubicle than you what you are doing on company time. 

 

 

Jeffrey Jena
Comedian/Writer
www.jeffreyjena.com

 

ps  I will be posting your letter and my reply on my blog and at the Conservative web site Big Hollywood. Enjoy!

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Beware, Earth Day Scam Released Tomorrow!

I am sure you have received e mails from scam artists around the world telling you that they have something of value they want to bring to the United States. If you would just be so kind as to help them your life will be improved too! If you have fallen victim to one of these scams you know that you got nothing and some of your money ended up in a foreign country.

Don't Fall for This Scam

 

On April 22^nd this year the granddaddy of all financial scams will be launched again. It is known as “Earth Day.”  Do not fall for this scam! This con game may seem like a new idea, but it’s been around since the seventies, just like Mr. Obama’s “new” idea about saving the country by building some light rail. This scam seems to pop up every spring in one form o another. This scam has also been circulated under the names; “Global Warming”, “Climate Change”, “The Green Movement”, and “Ecology” Recent variations have used the names “Carbon Credits” and “Cap and Trade.”

Over the years the “Earth Day” scam had warned its victims that failure to act would bring about various evil ends like, a new ice age, over population, famine, drought, burning skies, rising oceans and death to animals and children. None of this has ever happened but these dire consequences make the scam seem more plausible. The “Earth” grifters know that fear can make normally sensible people fall for their scam.

They promise rewards for those who participate. Clean air and water and just a few dollars away! We have so much is it horrible to share? Those who get drawn in forget that we already have the world’s best water supply and excellent air quality. They say pitching in for the “green cause” will help your kids but the result for falling for this will be a lot of your money ending up either in foreign countries or under government control.

The scam pretends to be based on science but a close examination shows that is not true.   

Unlike other internet scams the group that tends to fall for this scam most often are the young and well educated.  Beware of this scam! It has powerful friends.  Do not attend the rallies for this scam which may be promoted by seemingly legitimate agencies like television news outlets or newspapers and magazines that have fallen victim to the scam and are now under its influence.

If you receive an e mail under one of the titles mentioned above please do not open this document! Delete it from your computer and take your kids fishing!  

 

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: This is the Spokeswoman for the Democrat Party!

Irony is my favorite type of humor. Here is a great example: while the leftist try to paint conservatives as shallow, small-minded and unwilling to compromise their most unfunny, close-minded and shrill spokesperson sits for a chat with the ex-ESPN employee who is the least likely to be welcome in any MLB locker room.

The New Face Of Unity

I caught the love fest of bringing us together and change we can believe in the other night on Obermann. OK, I didn’t watch it live because I don’t have a very strong stomach and if I watch Mr. Warmth for more than twelve seconds I need to have not eaten for at least seven hours. His guest was alleged comedienne Janeane Garafolo. Why is it that liberal comedians are so unfunny and poorly spoken when they are off script? Maybe they are just following in Obama’s footsteps. I have liberal friends who swear that she is some sort of comic genius. She may be but why doesn’t she use her Oscar Wilde/Dorothy Parker razor sharp wit to make her points? Why is name calling and anger her modus operandi?

Seriously folks, I defy anyone to tell me a Janine Garafolo joke without doing a Google search. This is a woman who has the word “think” tattooed on her arm to remind her to do it once in awhile. Talk about being bad off script, she once took her notes on stage during a television taping of a comedy special. Maybe they weren’t paying her enough to memorize her act or couldn’t afford to rent a teleprompter. Every time her character on “24” looks down I swear she is looking for a cheat sheet script she has hidden on the set.

Maybe Ms. Garafolo has moved into the Dick Gregory phase of her career and soon she will be shilling a diet product. When I think of her or Mr. Obermann two words come to mind: intellectual poser!

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Excuse me, You Leftism is Showing!

 On March 2nd there was a demonstration in Washington D.C. It was billed as the largest demonstration for green power/global warming awareness/stop dirty coal/ let’s all go live in a tepee, ever held. It was attended by, (are you ready for the number?), 2,500 people. That was the largest one ever! This demonstration was covered by every major television and news service. No station or alleged newspaper gave any coverage to opposing opinions. Ironically there was a blizzard that day another fact which, to the best of my knowledge, was not noted by any major news outlet.

 Thirteen days later one of the first of the grassroots “TEA Parties” was held in Cincinnati Ohio. Over five thousand average middle class folks showed up on Fountain Square in the center of the city. Their message was simple, we can’t afford our government! Did you see it on CNN? Maybe you caught it on ABC or MSNBC? If you did you need to check the strength of your prescriptions, it wasn’t on any of them. In fact, the overwhelming success of this protest against rampant, run away big government was one of the inspirations for yesterday’s national day of protest. But unless you live in Cincinnati you probably never heard about it.

Yesterday in thousands of cities and towns across America hundreds of thousands of plain folks came out into the streets to say. “Enough!” This was not a protest against any party or person in particular but against a paradigm in governments from Washington D.C. to the local city halls that assume there is no end to the amount of money we are willing to kick in.

You wouldn’t know that from the coverage of the events of yesterday. Everyone from CNN to MSNBC to my local paper went out of their way to make it seem like anyone who attended one of these gatherings was a right wing extremist! Right wing extremist, hummm where have I heard that term lately? Wasn’t there some sort of government document leaked to the public the day before all these TEA Parties? I am not a believer in coincidence, especially in politics. I believe that the Department of Homeland Security report was released in an effort to intimidate some citizen and keep them from attending the anti-tax rallies.

These demonstrations were too many and too big to be ignored so the leftist in the media moved to their second tactic, belittle and mock. I am sure that you may have seen alleged journalist from Anderson Cooper to Susan Roesgen to Keith Obermann mocking you and your beliefs. Belittling your efforts to make your voices heard. I personally have had enough of a mediocre sportscaster passing himself off as an intellectual. His program would be alright if it were on the proper cable channel at the proper time: Comedy Central sandwiched in between Stewart and Colbert. It would probably also get better ratings.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: I Have Become A Threat

Wow! Here is what I did today. I taught my comedy writing classes, I went to the driving range and YMCA with my son, and I worked for about four hours on a new web site I am helping to launch. Let me see was there anything else? Oh yeah, I became a dangerous potential terrorist and enemy of the state.

How did I become more dangerous to America than an Islamic fundamentalist with a vest full of C-4? It was all my fault! You see, I was so worried about Big Brother I didn’t see Big Sister sneaking up on me.  Janet Napolitano has declared that a lot of Americans who are only exercising their constitutional rights are a danger to the country.

Gun Owner/Potential Terrorist

After six years of hearing the liberals in this country cry about how the evil Bush/ Chaney cabal had infringed their civil rights we have change. Our new administration is bringing us change we can believe in. They would rather spy on conservative Americans than offend Europeans or the King of some third world country. They would rather infringe upon my God given freedoms than offend the Castro brothers.

For this article I googled both the Bill of Right and the explosive C-4 so I am sure the alarms are going off at Homeland Security right now. Some right wing extremist is hard at work!

Here is the deal Ms. Napolitano, if you want to spy on me come to my front door. Ask me some questions and I will admit everything

Yes, I own guns, I support Pro Life groups, I think people who break the law to come here should be shown the door, no matter where they came from. I really don’t give a rat’s backside what anyone in Europe or Asia thinks about my country. I believe in the Constitution and if you don’t then change it by vote of the people and not by back dooring me with economic stimulus programs and activist judges.

You want to hear something I believe that will really scare you, Ms Napolitano?  

Here it is:

That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it…

I wish I would have written that, Thomas Jefferson did. I think he owned guns too. Maybe he’s on your dangerous right wing nut job enemies of the state list too.   

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Sixty Minutes Revisited

I was watching the Masters Golf tournament on CBS over the weekend. Before you guys that go apoplectic when any conservative watches the evil CBS I will state for the record that some things are more important than politics and for me the Masters is one of them. Anyway, I have a regular meeting I attend on Sunday nights at my church and we meet every Sunday, the Masters notwithstanding.  Some things are even more important than the Masters, but not many. So when the tournament went into sudden death I had to turn on the recorder and beat feet.

Ninty Years and still not funny!

Please keep reading all of you who hate sports in general or golf in particular because this isn’t about sports or golf. In order to make sure I got the entire finish of the Masters I recorded the next two hours of programming on CBS. When I got home and watched the golf I realized I had inadvertently recorded “Sixty Minutes.”

I was just about to hit the delete button since I gave up watching this leftist propaganda program after Dan Rather flaunted his fake Bush Air National Guard documents. Then I thought what the heck I haven’t seen a good biased program lately and my wife and son were away for the evening. I decided to play a game and count the liberal clichés in the program.

I wasn’t disappointed. First up, a piece about a Pentagon program for advanced prosthetics with only one mention of the Pentagon and no mention of Obama military cuts that will endanger this program. Second “news” story, a liberal standard, EVIL GUNS! Leslie Stahl and CBS just can’t seem to figure out why anybody would want to protect themselves with a weapon. In their world, if you outlaw guns then criminals will be force to rob the local convenience store with a rock or a knife. You see, you silly, silly Second Amendment nut jobs, if we just had stricter laws then criminals would obey them!  Then Leslie interviews some college guy who admitted on national TV that he committed a gun felony by conspiring to buy a handgun without proper identification. Of course, he was breaking the law to show how easy it was to break the law! I wonder if any law enforcement agency will track down this gun felon. Here is my question: was CBS news complicit in this man’s crime? Did they encourage him to go into the gun show and buy a gun illegally? Did they give him the money? “I am sure CBS would never do anything like that!” He said, as the sarcasm dripped into the paragraph below.

The show closed with some old guy who reminded me of Andy Rooney but I am pretty sure Andy Rooney died in 1984.  A study at the University of Montreal discovered that Andy wrote his last funny line in 1977. It was a joke about Billy Carter and it almost got him kicked out of the East Coast Liberal Elitist Journalist Society. Since that incident he has been afraid to make any jokes since they might offend someone somewhere. Has anybody in America, left or right, every laughed at Andy Rooney? How does this guy still have a job? What does he have on the execs at CBS that they are afraid to get him a room at the Retired Leftist Home right next to Helen Thomas?

Andy closed out the show with a little global warming piece that hit all of the right liberal clichés. The poles are melting and the world water levels are rising. Man is evil and is using up all of the natural resources of the planet! We are running out of oil! We are cutting down all the trees! Andy even said that a big iceberg from the South Pole might hit the United States. I would try to dispel all of the eco-leftist lies that were in his piece but I don’t have the time. Come to think of it, Andy probably doesn’t either.