The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy; The Coolest Guy on the Planet Has Left the Building

Amid the rubble of the unconstitutional Wall Street bailout and the lackluster debate over the weekend a sad occurrence was noted, the death of Paul Newman. The man who breathed life into several of the most iconic screen heroes and anti-heroes passed away at the age of eighty three. In a life that spanned the arts, sports, politics and philanthropy he went from James Dean runner-up to the coolest guy on the planet.

He made several of what were arguably the greatest movies ever made including “The Hustler” and “Cool Hand Luke” which are in my personal top five. He got nominated more times than Harold Stassen but in an odd tribute to his career got his only Oscar of “The Color of Money” which might make a top ten list of the worst sequels ever made.

He was reported to be a down to earth guy but what else would you expect from a kid from Shaker Heights, Ohio. A veteran of World War II his life is a lesson in perseverance. Seen early in his movie career as a Brando wanna-be or James Dean imitator he lost several roles which would have made him a star in the early going. He hung tough to compile a multi-faceted life which far eclipsed cult hero Dean and the bizarre later life antics of Brando.

He donated what has been reported to be between 170 and 250 million dollars to charity through his “Newman’s Own” brands. Married for over fifty years to his second wife he defied any categorization on and off the screen. So pop the top off a long neck beer, have a boiled egg and shoot a game of nine ball in tribute as we send off the coolest guy on the planet.  

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy; The Debate, Cole Porter was Right

I sat down to write about the big debate last night. The only thing I could think to say was that maybe John McCain had the best idea when he echoed the famous Cole Porter lyric, “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off”. I know we all have our favorites but let’s just talk to each other like human being for a moment and admit that nothing of any substance was said last night by either candidate. There was not one new idea, not one new stock answer, not one new slogan, no real positions taken on the big crisis, nada, nothing, zippo, goose egg, zilch, zero. I think I made my point. We saw an excellent public speaker speak well, we saw and expert on foreign policy recite the names of places and leader that would have made Condi say “uncle”. I felt sorry for Jim Lehrer, he reminded me of the half dozen marriage counselors I’ve been to trying to get the guys to talk to each other.

“Could you say that to John”
“Can you addresses that to Mr. Obama”

“I am trying to get you to talk to each other and not me.”

What was up with McCain not looking at Obama? It seemed a little rude to me. What was up with Obama trying to interrupt like a school kid with A.D. D. who was afraid he wouldn’t remember what he wanted to say in ten seconds?

The whole thing was a big snooze. Of course, afterwards all the spin miesters were in full blather claiming their guy had the better of it and giving their canned position statements. I thought one of the funniest things of the night was after the debate on Fox News they ran a sottoscrito that read, “Both Obama and McCain camps claim victory. There’s a shocker! In the history of debate has anyone ever admitted defeat? Didn’t think so.

That leaves us with next week’s debate between Palin and Biden. Let’s hope at least one of them has the decency to give us a laugh or gaff. Something! Anything but the boredom offered up on Friday night.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Joltin’ Joe Gaffes Again

Congress is like a slick Vegas magician. While our attention is on its fiddling with the Wall Street mess they slip a quick 25 billion in welfare to the auto industry and hope nobody was noticing. That means this month’s bailouts are already over a hundred billion with a proposed 700 billion more to come. This is without looking down the road to bigger problems. If the Government is going to give away money I’d just as soon they do a giant lottery and make 800,000 instant millionaires out of people who filed a tax return last year. I’d even settle for $100,000 dollars in school choice vouchers for eight million inner city families. While everyone seems to think you can’t get credit just this week my mailbox was filled with four credit card offers, two refi come ons, several debt consolidation schemes and a home equity proposal.

Barack of course was right on top of the whole deal. He looked firmly into the cameras and let the America public know that if there was anything he could do he was just a phone call away. Mr. Obama was busy trying to memorize his stock answers and rehearsed adlibs for the debate in Mississippi. If McCain stays in Washington maybe PBS could borrow Larry King for a night and have him ask Barack about his kids like he did Ahmadinejad.

Not to be outdone, the Obama Campaign is doing a little misdirection of its own. All the while they and their minions are screaming for the Moron Media to give Sarah Palin a wedgie Joe Biden is banging his head against the wall and getting almost no coverage. Poor Joe is like the step child who has been sent to live in the basement, ignored and now acting out to try to get some attention. 

I’m not going to list Joe’s recent gaffes because I have a life to get back to and really don’t have the time. If any of my Enlightened Progressive friends out there have any intellectual honesty left they’ll admit if Governor Palin had committed any of these boners there would be a posse of east coast media elitists with torches and pitchforks gathering up feathers and heating the oil right now. 

In another of his grand illusions Obama is out screaming about how McCain has all these “evil lobbyists” running things at Camp Johnny at the same time his staff and advisors are packed with folks who ripped millions out of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Of course they aren’t registered lobbyist so I guess they don’t count. I always love it when a politician says the other side is counting on the stupidity of the American people all the while they are waving shiny objects and hoping the people don’t notice the smoke and mirrors.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: It’s the Stupid Economy

 

When John McCain gave Americans some straight talk and said the economy wasn’t his strong point he was roundly chastised. How can a guy stand to be the leader of the free world and not understand the economy?

Is it clear yet to everyone that even all of the guys who say they know about the economy don’t know jack? Instead of Ben Bernanke and Henry Paulsen running the economy we could have had Ben Stiller and Pat Paulsen setting policy and things couldn’t be much worse.  One thing I am sure there is plenty of blame to go around. Wall Street greed, loose oversight, liberal lawmakers insisting loans be given to those unable to afford them, conservative lawmakers unwilling to stand up to them and bad karma can all bend over and take a few whacks on the backside from the public and the media.

Here is the thing I don’t get, approximately five percent of mortgage loans are going into default and the housing market is only a part of our economy and yet we seem to be teetering on the brink of a worldwide economic collapse. Nineteen out of twenty folks are still paying their bills and the fan is flinging manure everywhere?  I don’t buy it, no pun intended. If the big bad global economy is so bad that a relative handful of overreaching American dreamers and greedy speculators can bring it to its knees than maybe it’s time to let the dust fly and the chips fall where they may.

As a true conservative and laissez-faire capitalist I am not in favor of bailouts. Let’s start standing by what we say we believe as right wing nut jobs and let the market settle things. AIG fails, so be it! Lehman Brothers goes south, that’s too bad. When you loan or borrow money there is risk. When you invest there is risk. You want to avoid risk then pay rent all your life and put your money in an insured CD, take your two and a half percent and shut your yap. I don’t think it’s the government’s job to make sure we are all ok. I lost a fortune in the tech collapse and nobody came down from D.C. and made me whole again. Where is the difference? Because you invested in a house and I invested in jellydonuts.com (It seemed like a good idea at the time, I mean who doesn’t like jelly donuts?) you get your money back and I go suck on rocks.

The other problem is this, where do we stop bailing? The airlines, the automakers, the investment bankers and God knows who else already have their hands out. Who’s next? The WNBA isn’t doing too well so maybe we can bail them out.  Air America has had some financial trouble perhaps they could get a government loan.  And if there is no end to bailouts then I have some bad investments I made the last time I was in Vegas I need to talk to my Congressman about.       

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: An Invitation to Sandra Bernhard

Writer’s note, Sandra Bernhard recently opened a show at the D.C. Jewish Community Center. If you have a strong stomach follow this link for a little clip of the obscenity laced, anti-Christian, racist and sexist rant

http://media.newsbusters.org/stories/sandra-bernhard-palin-would-be-gang-raped-blacks-manhattan.html?q=blogs/tim-graham/2008/09/19/sandra-bernhard-palin-would-be-gang-raped-blacks-manhattan

 

 

 

Dear Sandra,

I heard about your new show at the D.C. Jewish Community Center. I am afraid I won’t be able to get to Washington to see it. I am tied up with trying to be less bitter and not cling to my guns and God so tightly like Mr. Obama has encouraged me to do. I am so provincial! It must be awesome to be so advanced like you! I have heard a few clips from your show and have already learned much. First, let me say how impressed I am by your expansive vocabulary! I hope my impressions of your show’s content haven’t been taken out of context. That is really low and I am sure no left leaning person would ever do anything like that.

I have been to New York a few times. It seemed like a nice enough town but maybe I didn’t get a chance to meet the folks you hang out with there.  I will admit I am an unsophisticated hillbilly and don’t know much about the ways of the big city. I want to thank you for helping me know that real women like you feel gang rape is a fitting punishment for political thought you don’t agree with. I want to thank you for opening my eyes to the fact that in your world African-American men are seen as gang rapist. I didn’t know that sophisticated Jewish philosophy in New York considers the New Testament “Goyish crappy shiksa funky bulls***”.  Here in Hicksville we try to respect everyone’s beliefs. How out of date that must seem to you “enlightened progressives”.

Since most of us can’t afford to come to D.C. Maybe you could bring our show out here? Perhaps you could come out here to our little backwash of civilization and educate us. I know being among so many rubes might scare someone of your sophistication but our crime rate is very low. Even with all the guns around our town hardly anyone ever gets shot except when they are breaking into someone’s house at night or trying to hurt another person. I know this seems nuts to someone as advanced as you but we still believe in personal property and the right to life!  We won’t make fun of your looks; there are a lot of people out here who haven’t had cosmetic surgery either. People here try to look for the positive in everyone no matter what they might look like, where they might come from or what they believe. Try not to make fun of what we wear when you are here. A lot of our clothes are out of date. Folks here would like to shop at Bloomingdale’s or Neiman’s but we spend our money stupidly by paying our mortgages, tithing to our churches and synagogues, and buying school supplies for our kids. Don’t worry about being gang raped either, people here don’t do that kind of thing not even as a political re-education tool, not even the Black people.

Your Fan,

Jeffrey Jena

 

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Help Me Fight Racism!

 

Yesterday Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius suggested that ugly racism is afoot in the Presidential race! She talked about, “All the code language, all that doesn’t show up in the polls” and I am not exactly sure what she meant by that but I decided to look into recent elections and see if there was any evidence of racism. I have done some investigating what I have found is shocking! Shocking! I have discovered there is an organized effort to keep highly qualified African-American candidates out of office and I think as good citizens, regardless of political party, it is our duty to speak out.

This effort is back by millions of dollars donated by unsuspecting people. These dollars are then used to stop these minority candidates from reaching positions of power. I have found three recent examples where the organization in question, which is run largely by rich white Christian men, has run ads and done all in its power to keep African-Americans from office. In all three cases this racist group has backed and elected rich white, middle aged heterosexual men, two of whom were practicing Christians in place of these highly qualified Black men. Two of the candidates which were backed by this organization were also the sons of elected officials who had previously held high elected offices in their state after being backed by this odious organization. Don’t we all hate that good-old-boy crap?

The three men who were denied office by this group were Ken Blackwell of Ohio, Michael Steel of Maryland and Lynn Swann of Pennsylvania. The name of the racist organization is The Democrat Party! The sad part of this whole story is that these “Democrats” pretend to be open-minded about women and other minorities seeking office. They are so cynical that they will sometimes nominate a minority candidate for an election that they know they will lose so they can hide their nefarious purpose. Please help me stop these morons from doing any more harm to our country and vote against them and their operatives this November.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: A Hurricane in Ohio, The Return of the Conspiracy

I have been out of touch with the world for three days and it was actually pretty nice. Let me give you the back story, on Sunday the remnants of Hurricane Ike dropped down on us here in Flyoverland. We had six hours of winds that got as strong as eighty miles per hour. That’s a category one hurricane in the Midwest. The last one was in 1908. We get hurricanes as often as the Cubs win a world series so it wasn’t something we were expecting. I had a tree that was thirty inches in diameter fall across my driveway and another in back of my house. In our three state area there were over three million people without power. There are still several hundred thousand in the dark. So I got three days without the constant bombardment of political ads and internet. My neighbors and I cleared fallen trees for two days with chain saws and no help from FEMA.  We aren’t looking for the Feds or the State to come in and make us whole. There was no looting and the crime rate actually went way down for the past few days.  I saw a lot of people just driving around and when they saw someone who needed help pulled up and helped out. Cutting trees, clearing debris, fixing roofs and making sure older folks were ok.  We are the same morons who think things aren’t as bad as Big Media wants us to think they are and like Sarah Palin.  

Today the juice came back on and I had a lot of catching up to do. I had hundreds of e mails and messages on Facebook and My Space. I hadn’t written a word for four days and since I hadn’t been watching or reading the news didn’t know what to write about or exactly what had been going on. I went in search of a blog topic. Barack had hosted a $28,500 a plate dinner in LA to show how out of touch John McCain is with the common man, too easy. Our embassy in Yemen was attacked, to tragic. Then I saw it! It brought tears of joy to my eyes. One of Hillary Clinton’s best friends and big fundraisers had come out and endorsed McCain.

As the founder and chief conspirator of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy I was sad to see Hillary lose the nomination. Smacking the Clintons around was our raison d’être.  I was going to miss all the conniving and underhanded dealing, all of the graft and dalliances of Billy Boy.  I was wondering how the Clintons were going to handle trying to seem like they were supporting Obama and yet wishing he was going to lose so Hillary could run in 2012. I thought the VRWC was going to go the way of communism relegated to the ash heap of history. Then the heavy handed machinations of the Clintons appeared! One of their best friends and major fundraisers came out and endorsed McCain. Ms. Lynn Forester De Rothchild was on Fox News pumping up the Republican ticket. She didn’t really sound too enthusiastic to me. She didn’t really seem too sure what McCain’s policies were. I was waiting for her to say, “Sarah who?”  Then it hit me, she was sent out to endorse McCain by the Clintons. I believe that we will see more and more Cintonistas come out as the election gets closer. All the while Hillary will give her tepid stump speech for Obama and claim that she is 100 percent behind Barack. Change? Not the Clintons, they care about one thing, the Clintons.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Poor Charlie

 

I will be losing some right wing wacko points for saying this but I feel sorry for Charlie Gibson. This guy scores the first sit down with Governor Palin and has to feel it is something of a coup but in fact it was a no win situation for him.

No matter what he did he was coming out a loser. If he would have come out and slapped Palin in the face, called her a lying whore and started running around the studio with an Obama/Biden sign there are people on the left who would have bemoaned his softball approach. He could have come out and washed her feet, fed her grapes and asked her what her favorite color is and some of my friend would have screamed about the liberal mainstream media.  So what’s a newsman to do?  Exactly what Gibson did, conduct a no nonsense, no gotcha question straight up interview that left all sides unhappy.

Meanwhile the Democrat lawyers are up north digging up more of Alaska that Exxon would in ANWAR looking for some dirt on the Governor.  What they are finding is pretty much nothing and even such liberal stalwarts like Mark Penn are crying foul. But here is the thing that really as the lawyers and the media befuddled; none of her friends seem to want to dish the dirt on Governor Palin. It’s one of those small town values that the jaded folks from the big cities just don’t get. They are used to living in communities where folks sell out their mothers for ten minutes on Oprah and a ride in a limo. They just don’t get that not everyone is willing to speak evil of a friend because CNN or ABC asks you to.

So they continue to side up with a heavy drinking ex-cop who may have tazed his own kid and a few angry democrats who see a brief spot on the evening news as their fifteen or a little revenge for that pet bill the Governor vetoed. So while the President has rating in the low 30’s and Congress in the low teens the media just doesn’t get why they are regarded right below pedophiles on the career respect scale.

 

 

 

 

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Slap a Little Pig on That Lipstick Comment

There are two rules for making jokes. The first is that a joke isn’t funny until laughed at by a second person. Second is that a joke unintended is a joke none the less. Barack Obama is finding out today that the second rule can bite you in the gluteus maximus really hard. I think the fact there was a derogatory lipstick reference in both his and Biden’s public appearances yesterday is no coincidence. My own opinion is that both were intended as direct slaps at soon to be Vice President Sarah Palin. I say “soon to be” because that may end up being the Mike Dukakis in a tank moment of this election. I could be totally wrong about the intent of the reference but I have a hard time believing guys as smart as David Axelrod and Barack Obama didn’t see how it might be taken that way.

More important that Barack’s intent with the line is the way the audience in the hall and in the Midwestern battleground states took the joke. I admit he line was very funny in an edgy night club comic sort of way but Barack isn’t competing on Last Comic Standing. What every voter in those states heard was a guy who wants to be President of the United States calling a woman a pig. What he needs to do now is slap on a little lipstick and start kissing some behind. If he tries to defend this remark in any way what he can kiss is the goodbye to the election.

Barack’s line was funnier that anything Russell Brand had to say on Sunday at the MTV VMA awards.  Do you know the difference between Russell Brand and a pit bull? The pit bull has had some original thoughts.  Alleged comedian Russell Brand is the kind of guy who spends more time on his hairdo that anything else. On Sunday night the host of the MTV video awards show launched a lowlife and lowbrow attack on Sarah Palin and her family. This imported leftist is the kind of guy who thinks he is edgy when he takes on tough targets like Christianity and unsophisticated seventeen years old girls. It’s easy to come to the freest country in the world and spout your juvenile and puerile tripe. Show me some real backbone and go to Pakistan and criticize the Taliban or to Iran and ask the folks there to elect a leftist. 

Russell Brand isn’t the real bad guy here. He’s just a drug addled Marxist who would still be on the government dole back in the UK if not for some outstanding luck. The real culprit here is MTV its parent companies Viacom and CBS. I am all about free speech but I think that media companies should be held to account for the garbage they dump into the air just like other any other industry. So, my right wing nut job friends what are we to do? I think we should take a page from the playbook of the extreme left and start contacting the advertisers on all Viacom shows. Where we can hit then the hardest is at Nickelodeon, a kid’s network. The same company that pumps Russell Brand into your home is the same that turns around and sells you Dora and Sponge Bob. So drop an e-mail to one or two of their sponsors and let’s see if Viacom comes around.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: The King of Pain, Hire a Stage Manager for God’s Sake and other random thoughts.

I’ve been away from the noise for a few days so I am catching up with the happenings of the last few days by watching TiVo, reading the Sunday New York Times and phoning up a few of my good ‘ol boy buddies. So after consulting with my advisers and two very large cups of coffee here are a few of what were, at the conventions called “red meat” observations.  

I watched a little TeVo-ed news from the weekend. I watched as much CNN as I could stand. Anderson Cooper was so apoplectic about the new political star Sarah Palin I was expecting him to stand up and shout out his love for Barack at any moment. He was having so much trouble keeping his veneer of impartiality up I almost felt sorry for him. I can’t wait for election night! When the returns start coming in and the defeat of Obama/Joe is looming I think he’s gonna go Howard Beale.

You really gotta respect Barack Obama. He’s got cajones the size of cantaloupes. Only a man with monumental chutzpah could come out here to Flyoverland, Terra Haute, IN to be exact, and tell us uninformed rubes that he was the one getting beat up last week. Sarah and Rudi make him the brunt of a few punch lines at the GOP hoedown and suddenly he’s the victim of abuse.  Maybe if there had been major magazines stories about his questionable marriage, reports on his minor children’s behavior, blogs about incest in his family, the parentage of his children and God knows what else I could work up a tear for him.  He’s crying because two politicians made fun of his lack of accomplishment, past work history and inflated ego. Where is your humanity right wing nut jobs?

The New York Times on the other hand has already let go even the pretense of fairness. Exhibit one; allow me to present the twelve page “Week in Review” section of the Times. Here we have twelve pages of ink which seems to be a paid advertisement for the Democrats with five negative articles on either McCain or Palin, four political cartoons three bashing Palin and one bashing Bush, five jokes from late night comics four bashing Palin and one bashing Bush and one giant front page article bashing Republicans in general for having the nerve to point out that the major media outlets lean left. Those heartless right wing nut jobs!

Finally, could the John McCain campaign please hire someone who knows something about staging, camera angles and color. After the hideous green background in New Orleans awhile back you’d think that someone on the bus might call a friend with a theater or television background. There he was on the last night of the GOP soiree with another big green screen behind him! Then, after what I’m sure was a backstage panic when they saw it on TV, they went to blue, much better.  I thought the idea of pushing the podium out into the crowd was to get shots of him speaking with lots for cheering faces in the background. Yet there he was for most of the speech face on to the camera with a flat blue DMV background.